


Finding Yourself Again

by RydenThisShip



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Band Fic, Cheating, Fluff and Angst, Honeymoon, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Reconciliation, Rehabilitation, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 06:03:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 66,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RydenThisShip/pseuds/RydenThisShip
Summary: Sometimes, you don't know what you have until it's gone.  A story about finding and losing love and figuring out who you really are in the process.





	1. Chapter 1

  "Ryan? Ry? I'm home!", Brendon called out as he walked into his Manhattan apartment. He hung his coat and laid his keys on the table as he made his way through his home, looking to see if his boyfriend was around. After a couple of minutes of checking the few various rooms, he saw he was indeed alone, and plopped down on the couch with a sigh. It's not that he actually expected Ryan to be there; he had just hoped he would be. He was home early from work, his last student having cancelled out sick, and was just hoping for some stolen moments with Ryan. 

  Brendon used to know Ryan's schedule, back when Ryan actually had a schedule. They had been together for just over 2 years, and had lived together for just over 1. About 6 months prior, Ryan had met and befriended a guy named Alex at a concert Brendon hadn't been able to go to. Very quickly, it seemed, Ryan's habits and behavior started going down hill. He changed from a loving, stable partner to this weird party animal that Brendon didn't recognize at all. Ryan started going out with Alex to bars and clubs most nights of the week, and always came home fucked up somehow - drunk, high, or often, both. It was really upsetting because Ryan had never been one to get messed up like that before, and Brendon was never invited along on their outings. This behavior had taken its toll on Ryan's life in a way that Brendon would have never expected: Ryan started missing work habitually, and eventually lost his job as a section editor at a large newspaper. They had both been living off of Brendon's income from teaching music lessons ever since, and Ryan didn't seem bothered to try and find another job. So he was using Brendon's finances to fund his newfound party lifestyle.

  The part that upset Brendon the most was that he was pretty sure Ryan was cheating on him. He never had any solid proof, but shortly after Ryan started constantly hanging out with Alex, he became very distant from Brendon. They used to walk out to dinner or coffee, holding hands or sharing sweet kisses. But Ryan didn't do any of that anymore. It almost seemed like he didn't want to see Brendon at all anymore, much less touch him. Also, he often smelled faintly of strange cologne when he came home, and Brendon knew he wasn't imagining it. They rarely had sex anymore, and when they did, it certainly wouldn't be classified as making love. Ryan had become selfish and all about his wants and needs, worried most about getting himself off, and did the bare minimum to make it a pleasurable experience for Brendon. Brendon started insisting that they use condoms and even though Ryan was pissy about it at first, he agreed to it because it allowed him to get off when he was horny. 

  Suffice it to say, Brendon was miserable. He loved Ryan so much, and didn't want their relationship to end, but he knew something was going to have to give because they couldn't just keep going like this. He didn't want to give up because he just kept hoping his love and understanding would bring Ryan back to his senses. Being an extremely loving person by nature, Brendon just didn't know what else to do. Ryan and Brendon's mutual friends, Spencer and Jon, were disgusted with Ryan and wanted to give him a major talking to, but Brendon insisted on them not interfering. He was just sure the second they got involved and said something, Ryan would cut his losses and leave, and he just couldn't bear that thought. Even Brendon's boss Gabe wanted to say something, but still, Brendon said no.

Brendon decided to lay down on the couch and read while he waited for Ryan to return. He hoped Ryan would be clear-headed enough that he could convince him to head out for some late dinner with him. The book wasn't so much because he was interested in it, but more to help him distract himself from the sad thoughts that constantly plagued him these days.

——

The next thing he knew, a loud bang jolted Brendon awake. He must have fallen asleep reading, which wasn't really surprising given how much his mental state kept him awake at night these days. His heart pounding, he was getting ready to hop up and investigate when he heard some very different noises. 

The sound floating through the room was a strange smacking sound, which he quickly realized was intense kissing, followed up by moaning. Turns out Ryan and Alex had burst through the door, all over each other. He slowly raised up just enough to peek over the back of the couch, and felt pain radiate through his chest as he watched the other two men heavily making out and groping each other. It was obvious they hadn't detected his presence yet. Regardless of how much it hurt, Brendon slowly lay back down so he could hear how this played out. His suspicions had been confirmed, so he suddenly felt this determination to know more about what was going on. Although he was sick to his stomach, and his heart was aching, the first flickers of rage were flowing through him. 

  "Dude, aren't you worried Urie will catch us?", Alex panted as Ryan sucked on his neck. Ryan drew back and gave Alex a disbelieving look. "Are you kidding me? He's got to work until the store closes giving lessons - he won't be home for another hour and a half at least! Besides, he's so naive, there's no way he suspects anything. I want you to fuck me, baby - Bren's the last thing I'm thinking about right now!" 

  Right at that moment, Brendon's fury rose so high that he felt something snap inside his mind. Not only was Ryan letting Alex fuck him (something he would never let Brendon do), he was planning to do it somewhere in their home. And he regarded Brendon as such a sucker, he was brazen enough to use Brendon's own money to finance his cheating escapades and think he would just endlessly put up with it. 

  Although he felt tears burning his eyes, and he wanted so much to just jump up and scream at the two men, a sense of angry calmness washed over him. Brendon decided to lie back and pretend to still be asleep. That way, when the two cheaters headed past the sofa, they'd be sure to see him there, but would think he was still sleeping. 

Sure enough, it was only a minute or two before they kicked the door closed and started heading toward the bedroom. The anger burned through Brendon and it took everything he had to stay in place, but he did it. In those short seconds, he began to form a plan to deal with Ryan's cheating and lying bullshit once and for all.

  "Come on, baby...let's go get more comfortable," Ryan said as he took Alex's hand to lead them down the hall to the bedroom. As he stepped past the couch, he did a double-take and froze as he saw Brendon lying there, apparently asleep. He froze and held Alex back, pointing to the couch with wide eyes. Alex mirrored his expression and whispered, "Oh shit!", before looking up at Ryan for what to do. Ryan pointed frantically to the door and waved Alex off, whispering, "Go, go! We'll have to pick this up later!!" Alex skittered out the door as quickly and quietly as he possibly could. 

  Ryan moved as silently as he could into the bathroom and shut the door as gently as possible. He had a bit of a problem he had to take care of, or Brendon would notice and there would be questions. When he heard the door to the bathroom close, Brendon's eyes popped open, and he took a few deep breaths to steady himself. He was going to have to put on an award-winning performance to pull this off.

  Brendon had crossed the line from pure anger to deciding to teach Ryan a lesson. Brendon had made up his mind to leave Ryan, and boy did he want Ryan to learn from this experience. He wasn't going out like the sucker Ryan so clearly thought he was. It was time for him to take his life back and move forward, and Ryan wasn't going to be part of that equation. His plan to take his life back gave him purpose, and allowed him to keep himself together. 

  When Brendon heard the toilet flush and the sink water running, he quickly closed his eyes again. Ryan came out of the bathroom and slowly crept back to the front door. Brendon wondered what he was doing, until Ryan opened the door and closed it again hard, effectively slamming it. "Bren? Bren! I'm home!" Oh, so that was the way Ryan wanted to play it off...

  Brendon sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, hey, Ry. I guess I fell asleep. I came home early because I'm not feeling well", Brendon lied. He couldn't be bothered to feel bad about the deception. 

  "Oh, I'm sorry, baby." Brendon could tell it was faux sympathy. "I just got back from a show with Alex. This new local band was at the club down the street." Clearly, Ryan wasn't all that concerned with Brendon feeling sick. 

  "Oh, that's nice." Brendon didn't really want to chance saying much more than that. He was so pissed that his head really was throbbing. "I'm guessing you ate already?"

  "Yeah, we grabbed a pizza on the way back. I'm actually really tired, so I was just thinking of calling it a night." Ryan certainly didn't seem in any hurry to spend any time with Brendon. He was probably worried about giving himself away, Brendon thought.

  "Ok. I think I'm just gonna run to the corner drug store and pick up some medicine for my stomach. You go ahead to bed, and I'll catch up when I'm settled." Brendon really was going out, but not to the store. It's not like Ryan would notice the difference anyway. 

  "Ok, babe - feel better!" Ryan then practically ran into the bedroom and shut the door.

  Brendon rolled his eyes and got up off the couch. He got his shoes and coat on, then grabbed his keys, wallet and phone. As he headed down the stairwell and out to the street, he dialed up Jon's number.

  "Hello?" Jon answered.

  "Hey Jon, it's B. You busy right now?"

  "Not really, no. Just watching TV with Cass. What's up?"

  "I really need to come over and talk to you both," Brendon told him, voice wavering slightly.

  Jon caught immediately that something wasn't right. "What's going on, B?? Are you ok??"

  "No, Jon. I'm pretty fucking far from ok, but I will be. I've decided to leave Ryan, and I need your help," Brendon ground out through gritted teeth. 

  Jon was quiet for a long moment. "Wow...ok. I'll be honest, Bren. I won't try to talk you out of it, and neither will Cassie."

  "I don't want you to talk me out of it. I want you to help me get my plan together and then pull it off. He's made a fool of me for the last time, and I'm going to teach him that you don't treat people this way and expect to get away with it." Brendon was done with Ryan's shit.

  "Ok, B. I can't say I think that's a bad idea. He's been a total asshole, and I can only begin to imagine what he's done now if you're having this kind of a reaction." Jon had the understatement of the year.

  Brendon laughed bitterly. "It's definitely a new low, and I'm fucking done. I'll be there in 10."


	2. Chapter 2

  Ryan stumbled into his apartment, high as a kite. He and Alex had spent the afternoon, while he knew Brendon was out working, getting stoned and fucking. It was now around 5 pm on a Tuesday, a little over a month after the make-out episode with Alex in his and Brendon's apartment. 

  "B? You here?" Ryan called out for Brendon, but got no answer. Ryan had a hazy, passing thought that he and Brendon rarely seemed to be home at the same times these days, but it went as quickly as it had come. Ryan wasn't bothered by it anyway; it wasn't like he cared to spend time with Brendon anymore, anyway. He had a comfortable place to live, food to eat, and even money at his disposal to party with, so he didn't actually care what else Brendon got up to. 

  Ryan had no sooner kicked off his shoes and gotten a beer from the fridge, when the lights flickered and went out. He thought maybe the light bulb had went out, but then noticed all the digital clocks were off too. He went to the window and noticed the apartment across the courtyard had power. Now he was annoyed; Brendon must have forgotten to pay the electric bill. As hypocritical as it was (not that Ryan had that much insight at the moment), he was aggravated at Brendon being so irresponsible.

  Shortly after that, there was a really aggressive knock at the door. Ryan was immediately puzzled: no one ever visited them who didn't call first. He walked over and opened the door as far as the chain lock would allow, but stayed behind it. "Who is it?" he called out. 

  "It's Bob! Open the damn door!" The fucking landlord. He hated Ryan, and Ryan hated him right back. Ryan scoffed to himself as he remembered how much the old man adored Brendon. But then again, he thought bitterly, everyone just loved Brendon. 

  Ryan opened the door and scowled as Bob pushed his way in. "What the fuck do you want, Bob? Didn't Brendon get you the rent? He hasn't been around much lately but I'll leave him a note and I know he'll get you a check tomorrow."

  Bob laughed right in Ryan's face. "You're a funny motherfucker, Ross. I assume you'll be out by 5 tomorrow afternoon?"

  Ryan gaped at Bob with a furrowed brow and was quiet for a minute. "Come again?" he said. Ryan was clearly confused by whatever Bob was on about. 

  "Don't play like you don't know what I'm talking about, dumbass. I've been looking forward to this day since I got to know your worthless ass. You know you have to be gone by tomorrow at 5!"

  Now Ryan was pissed. "What the fuck are you talking about, asshole?? Brendon still lives here and I am staying with him! Afraid you don't get rid of me that easily!"

  Bob just stared at Ryan quietly for a minute, then burst into hysterical laughter. Ryan was pretty sure Bob had finally lost it. "Oh my God, you really don't know, do you!?" Bob was gasping for breath between laughs. "Holy shit, this totally makes my entire day even better! Uh, Brendon broke the lease a month ago, and he moved the last of his shit out on Sunday afternoon! He's been long gone for 2 days! Your last 24 hrs in this apartment started 15 minutes ago!" Bob wiped tears from his eyes as he began coming down from his laughter. 

  Ryan stared wide-eyed at Bob. "You are always so full of shit! Brendon is not capable of something like that; that is just not something he would do at all! And you can't just throw me out of here: there are eviction laws!" Plus, Ryan couldn't believe Brendon could have moved all his shit out of the apartment without him having noticed at all.

  Bob delivered Ryan a shit-eating grin. "Well, first of all, I had a lease agreement with Brendon, not you, so your eviction law argument is pointless. But I had a feeling you might say something like that. So here is the broken lease with his signature, dated a month ago. Also, you don't ever check the mail, do you asshole? I sent you 3 registered letters to your address informing you of the eviction, just to make completely sure it happened. Brendon seemed pretty eager to move on, and I felt like he'd suffered more than his share of your bullshit, so I told him I'd be more than happy to strike the final blow. So on that note, you have until 5 pm tomorrow to be out, or I'll be here with the cops to forcibly remove you and at that point, whatever you've left in this apartment becomes my property."

  Ryan snatched the paper voiding the lease, and the copies of the registered letters and read over them with furrowed brows. As much as he wanted to believe Bob was just being an ass, he knew they were legal and this wasn't a joke. Explained why the electricity was off as well. On a whim, he ran to the sink and turned on the tap, and nothing came out. He then subsequently realized that there would be no more than enough heat in the apartment required to keep the pipes from freezing. Oh fuck...it was mid-Winter in New York City and he was a day away from being homeless.

  Bob turned to walk out of the apartment. "I mean it, Ross. Don't think I won't take full pleasure in tossing you out on your ass. Get your shit together and get the fuck out before 5 tomorrow or I'll have your ass thrown in jail for trespass."

  "Fucking fine!", Ryan bit. "I'll be out! Just get the fuck out of here so I can get my plans together!"

  Bob shot Ryan the finger as he walked out and Ryan slammed the door after him. He was floored. He couldn't believe Brendon had done that. He ran to find his phone and called up Brendon's number. The phone rang until it went to voicemail. Ryan tried 2 more times immediately but got the same result. He threw his phone on the couch and growled in frustration. 

  Ryan paced the living room and racked his brain for a plan. He had sobered up ridiculously quickly from his previous high. Gabe! Brendon would still be working, no matter where he was living. Ryan grabbed his phone back and called the music store.  

"Gabe's Love Notes, this is Gabe, how can I help you?

  "Gabe! It's Ryan. Can I talk to Bren, please?"

  Ryan got several seconds of stony silence. "Oh Ross, it's you. No you cannot speak to Brendon."

  Ryan suppressed an urge to scream. "What? Why the fuck not!?"

  Gabe chuckled dryly. "Because he's not fucking here, that's why!"

  "Well, what time is he due in tomorrow? I'll come down there and see him."

  Gabe scoffed. "He's not due in tomorrow, George. He doesn't work here anymore." Gabe threw calling him George in because he knew it would piss Ryan off. He knew full well that Ryan hated his given first name.

  Ryan was panicking now. "What the fuck do you mean??" 

  "I mean he quit, left his job. All because of you, motherfucker."

  Ryan was stunned. "Me!? What the fuck do I have to do with him quitting!? I didn't tell him to quit!"

  "He quit because he's moving, to get the fuck away from you. You're a selfish fuck, and he finally realized it, so he left. I lost my best employee and a good friend because of you."

  Ryan was beginning to get really nervous now. He couldn't figure out why Gabe would lose a friend just because Brendon moved out of the apartment. Surely Gabe could still see and talk to Brendon? "Well, if you talk to him, will you tell him to call me? Please, Gabe?"

  "No fucking way, Ross. If he wants to talk to you I suppose he'll answer your call or call you back. Might take him a while, with the drive and everything."

  Now Ryan was seriously confused. "Drive? Since when does Brendon have a car?"

  Gabe laughed, this time sounding genuinely amused. "Not a car, a moving truck. He's not gonna answer his phone while he's driving that."

  "But he left the apartment for good over 2 days ago. He wouldn't still be driving that." Ryan didn't know what sort of drugs Gabe was on.

  "Uh, Ryan? He would if he was leaving New York and going somewhere far away!"

  Ryan's heart lurched and he felt sick. "What? What the fuck!? Where did he go!?"

  "I know you won't believe this, Ryan", Gabe said, "but I actually don't know. He wouldn't tell any of us where he was going. He doesn't want there being any chance of you finding out. He's serious about kicking you the fuck out of his life."

  "Bullshit!", Ryan yelled. "You're just trying to make me feel bad. There's no way he'd leave New York and leave his mother behind here! You are so full of it."

  "Whatever, Ryan. If you don't believe me, call Jon. He'll tell you what he knows." Gabe had no interest in talking to Ryan any longer than he had to. 

  "Fine...Fine, I will!", Ryan shouted. Before he could hang up, Gabe replied: "Oh, and Ryan? Don't ever call here again." Then Gabe slammed down the phone. Ryan just stood there, staring at his phone.

——

  "Hullo?"

  "Jon! It's Ryan!"

  "Oh...Hello, Ryan.", Jon answered in a very reserved tone. Ryan was in too much of a panic to notice. 

  "Jon, what is going on with Brendon? I find out from the landlord today that he broke the lease and moved out 2 days ago, as well as all the utilities having been cut off. Then, after B wouldn't answer his phone, I find out he quit his job with Gabe, and Gabe said he's moving outside New York! All this without telling me!! What the fuck, Jon?" Ryan was very nearly having a fit by this point. 

  Jon laughed out loud. "Wow, Ryan. You've got some nerve being upset with Bren for not talking to you or sharing information with you!"

  Now Ryan was annoyed. "Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jon?"

  "Nevermind, Ryan," Jon scoffed. "I suppose it means you'll just have to talk to your 'quote-unquote boyfriend' about it."

  Ryan wanted to get to the bottom of this so he let the "quote-unquote" comment pass. "He won't answer my calls, Jon. Can you talk to him?"

  Typical Ryan these days: wanted Jon to do his work for him. "I'm not passing on any messages for you Ryan. You'll have to communicate with him yourself. But if I talk to him, I will tell him to call you."

  Ryan was relieved. "Ok, thank you Jon. I really appreciate that."

  "Whatever, Ryan. I think there's quite a bit lately that you haven't appreciated at all. If it weren't for Brendon, I would have let you hear all about that a long fucking time ago, and so would Spencer." The next thing Ryan heard was the beeping of the disconnected phone line. He was beginning to wonder why he was 2 for 2 of being hung up on by people he had always considered friends.

——

 

  About an hour later, after Ryan had tried 5 more times to call Brendon unsuccessfully and decided to try to read instead, his phone rang. He immediately recognized Brendon's ringtone. He snatched up the phone and answered it as quickly as he could.

  "Brendon! What the fuck is going on here!?"

  Brendon paused a second before answering. "I'd watch how you speak to me, Ryan, if you want any answers." Brendon spoke quietly and calmly but his tone was a warning.

  Ryan took a deep breath and tried again. "Ok, I'm sorry about that, B. But can you please tell me what is happening here?"

  What Brendon said next was nothing Ryan expected: "Ryan, do you know when the last time you talked to me was?" Ryan was taken aback by the question. "What, B? What does that hav—"

  "I SAID", Brendon bit, "do you know when the last time you talked to me was? And I don't mean the last time we had a heart-to-heart. I literally mean the last time we spoke, you saw me, talked to me on the phone, or even sent me a text?"

  Ryan thought for a second but was quickly annoyed. "I don't know, Brendon! I don't keep track of shit like that!"

  Brendon burst into a bitter cackle. "Clearly, because you've made no effort toward making it happen. For your information, it's been 33 days."

  Ryan was aghast. "There is no way!", Ryan yelled.  

  Brendon scoffed. "It absolutely was. I've been purposely not around when I knew you would be. I wanted to see if you'd notice and initiate contact with me, and you never did. Which was exactly what I expected. As long as you had money and your needs met, you couldn't have cared less about being around me. In fact, I can tell you exactly what day it was that we last spoke to each other. Remember the day you came into the apartment making out with Alex and you found me asleep on the couch? Yeah, not so much. I saw you guys so I just decided to pretend I was asleep to see how it played out. At least you confirmed my suspicions that you'd been cheating, so it was good that I finally knew. But I guess once you started heading for the bedroom and saw me, well, you weren't prepared to have him fuck you with me right there in the next room." Brendon's tone of voice sounded like the most bitter venom possible. 

  Ryan felt the blood drain from his face; he was well and truly busted. "Uh, B...um, I..."

  "Just save it, Ryan", Brendon spat. "I don't need to hear anymore of your lies and bullshit. I guess I should probably thank you for being so brazen. Who knows how long I would have let it go on without seeing it right in front of my face. You'd already been taking me completely for granted and treating me like shit for months by that point, and everyone wanted to say something to you or for me to leave, but I wasn't hearing it. That big eyeful of reality, not to mention hearing what a naive sucker I am and how you wanted Alex to fuck you, finally broke me out of my stupidity. So thanks, I guess." 

  It was quiet for a moment while the reality of the situation sunk in. Then it dawned on Ryan: he had nothing. No home, no job, no car, and no friends who would help him aside from Alex and he didn't want to beg from him if he could help it. He had to try to fix this, fast. 

    "Brendon, I'm so sorry. I know I was wrong and I fucked up. It was terrible judgement one time when I was drunk. I swear it won't happen again!" 

  Brendon wasn't buying it though, and he laughed, long and hard. "Nice try, Ross. Even if I believed you, which I so totally don't, it's over and done with. I assume you know all about the apartment by now?"

  Ryan swallowed hard. "Yeah, yeah I do."

  "And that I've left town?"

  Ryan took a deep breath. "Yes, I know that too. Where are you going, Bren?"

  "None of your fucking business, Ryan. In fact, after we hang up this phone, nothing I do will be your business ever again. Listen carefully, because I'm gonna give you some information you need. Once we hang up, I'm blocking your number to my phone. Not that it will matter, because as soon as I get where I'm going, I'm changing my phone number. I've blocked you on all social media, and I've opened a new email you don't have and I'm killing off my old email account. And before you get clever and think you can get this info from Jon or Spencer, think again: I'm not giving it to them."

  Ryan gasped, "What? You're not contacting them anymore either?"

  "No," Brendon said, "I still am. But they don't know where I'm moving and won't have my phone number. They won't know how to reach me other than email. That way, there's no chance of you getting my contact information from them and they aren't put into the position of having to hide it from you. And even though it made her cry, I am doing the same with my mom, so don't get the clever idea of trying to guilt it out of her. Won't work anyway. You're Public Enemy #1 with her for causing me to leave town, not to mention using me and cheating on me. I will schedule phone calls to them from a blocked number. I guess if they have some kind of emergency they'll have to email me and I'll get in touch when I can. But you are out of my life Ryan, and I'm not giving you a way to get back in. Oh, and in case you've not worked it out already? After today, you have no more cell phone service, and you're down to $20 in your bank account. I guess you'll have to see if you can sucker Alex into taking care of you from now on. I know none of our friends will. And just in case it still needs to be said: we're through. Never call me your boyfriend again."

  Ryan sat back, stunned. He couldn't believe this was Brendon talking. He'd never heard such firm talk or bitter tone coming from Brendon. He realized suddenly that he'd thought he could do whatever he wanted to and Brendon would always put up with it. 

  "So, Ryan...? If you've got nothing else to say about it, I'm going to go get on with having a life again."

  Ryan was panicking again. "No Brendon, please don't go!"

  Brendon sighed heavily. "Ryan, I'm already gone. I hope you learn from this, and better yourself. You were a great person when we got together, and I don't know what happened to you, but you're not a good person anymore. And I won't be dragged down to your level. Goodbye, Ryan."

  Before Ryan could say anything else, he heard the call disconnect. Brendon was gone, and Ryan knew he meant it. He was stunned: he never thought he'd lose Brendon like this. Actually, he never thought he'd lose him at all. To be honest, thinking things through hadn't been Ryan's strong point for a long time now. 

  Ryan fell more than sat back on the couch. He could feel the prickle of tears finally filling his eyes. He wondered what exactly he was crying about. He had to assume, given the way he'd acted recently, that it was because he had nothing left but Alex. Well...speaking of Alex, he supposed he should call and make arrangements to stay with him.

——

  "Uhhh...no, Ryan", Alex simply said.

  "WHAT!? What the fuck do you mean 'no', Alex?" Ryan was gobsmacked.

  "Just what I said, Ryan: no! I don't sleep well with someone else in my bed. Dude, you know this. That's why you could never stay over before!"

  "Well", Ryan said, "can I just crash on the couch for a bit while I get my situation sorted out? I'll be as quick as possible! Plus, then I'll be close by for plans and...other things." Ryan tried to make his voice as seductive as possible, hoping to charm Alex into doing what he wanted.

  "Nope, sorry Ryan; that won't work either. Ryland hates people crashing on our couch for more than a night and this sounds like more than that. You and Urie fighting or something?"

  Ryan's face burned in embarrassment at having to explain this to Alex. "No, he left me. Knows about us. Killed the apartment lease, quit his job and left NYC. I don't know where he's gone and he's cut off all contact with me, as well as my funds and place to live."

  Alex burst out laughing. "That's fucking hilarious! I never would have thought Urie had it in him!" 

  "How in the actual fuck is that hilarious, dude? I have no job and no place to live, and you won't let me stay with you. Why are you being such a dick to me?! I thought we had something!"

  "What, did you think we were in fucking love or some shit, Ryan? If you wanted that shit, you should have stuck with Urie! I thought I made it perfectly clear I was out for a good time. You're hot, can handle your drugs, have good taste in music and are a great fuck. That was where my interests were." Alex, despite Ryan not being able to see, shook his head.

  "So I basically mean nothing to you?", Ryan questioned, on the verge of tears.

  "I wouldn't say nothing. You've been a good time. But so far tonight, I've gotta say, you've been a giant fucking drag. I didn't sign up for this shit, Ryan." 

  "Well, fine Alex. That's just fine. Consider yourself unsubscribed from all the rest too. I don't need someone around to just use me and not give a fuck about me." Ryan couldn't believe his luck today.

  Alex laughed out loud: "You mean you don't want someone treating you like you treated Brendon?"

The words hit Ryan like a blow to the chest. Even though he'd never admit it to him, Ryan knew Alex had hit the nail right on the head with his observation. "FUCK YOU!", Ryan screamed to the phone and hung up. He sat down, put his head in his hands, and began to sob for the first time since this debacle began. 

  After about an hour of bawling to himself, Ryan knew he had to get himself together and get a plan before his phone usage ran out at midnight. He decided to call Jon. Despite everything, he was pretty sure Jon would still consider him a friend, even if he was really angry with him. 

  He lifted his phone and listened as it rang. Finally, Jon picked up. Ryan heard his sigh first. "What do you want Ryan? I told Brendon to call you."

  Ryan took a shuddering breath. "He...he did call me, Jon. I know everything now, and know that he and you and probably the rest of the world know what I did, too. I won't try to make excuses. I know I was an asshole."

  "Well, at least you know that much", Jon said. "What's your plan now? Going to stay with Alex tomorrow, I take it?"

  Ryan's embarrassed face was on fire for the second time that evening. "Um, no...he wouldn't let me. Said I couldn't even crash on the couch."

  "What??" Jon's tone indicated faux surprise. "You mean to tell me Alex is a selfish asshole who's not around for you when trouble shows itself? Well, color me shocked!"

  Ryan sighed in frustration. "I get it Jon. I fucked up extremely bad, and have terrible judgement. Tell us something we both don't already know."

  "Well, what are you gonna do then? Call your dad?", Jon asked.

  "Are you fucking kidding me? He'd just laugh and say this is what I get for being a faggot! No..I was hoping I could stay with you for a little while. I'll get a job and pay you some rent. It would just be until I had enough for a deposit on a studio apartment." Ryan was praying Jon didn't laugh at him. 

  But Jon made a disagreeing hum. "I dunno, Ry. It's not the having you stay part. I just don't know if Cassie will go for that. She's my wife and it's half her place too. And I don't know that you would want to deal with her wrath right now. You know how much she loves Bren and like everyone else local, she is devastated at not being able to see him anymore. She is so pissed at you it's not even funny."

  Ryan swallowed against his desperation."I get it Jon, and she and everyone else has every right to think i'm the world's biggest asshole right now. But I am literally going to be homeless tomorrow night, and it's winter in New York City. I'm begging just for temporary shelter."

Jon was quiet for a few moments, and Ryan hoped he was considering. "Ok, Ryan, here's what I'll do. I'll discuss this with Cass tonight and meet you in the morning. You know the coffee shop just around the corner from my place? Meet me there at 7:30 tomorrow morning."

Ryan breathed out his relief. "Ok, Jon, thank you! Can you call me at 7 and make sure I'm up? That'll use less power in my phone than my alarm and I don't have any electricity right now. You'll have to Skype me over the WiFi though because I won't have cell service any longer."

"Yeah, sure. I can do that. Make sure to wear layers and wrap up in as many blankets as you can to keep warm tonight. I don't want your skinny ass getting hypothermia, Ry."

Ryan was somewhat relieved. Jon was speaking to him in a caring tone, so he felt hopeful at being able to stay with the Walkers for at least a little while. "Ok, Jon, I'll make sure I do that. And Jon? Thank you for at least considering helping me."

"Sure Ryan. I'd like to see you back to your old self again. I'll talk to you in the morning."

After they hung up, Ryan considered Jon's last statement: his old self. Ryan just wasn't sure he even knew who that was anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

  Ryan was already awake when Jon called the next morning. He had to call Ryan over Skype since Ryan could only use the building WiFi because he had no cell service any longer. Ryan was never good at waking up to the alarm, and he would have likely drained his phone battery to dead if he was depending on only that to wake him up. 

  Really, Ryan didn't sleep much at all anyhow. His thoughts kept racing between topics: his impending homelessness, Alex's flat refusal to help him, and most of all, the way Brendon had washed his hands of him. He was angry with Brendon, but knew he had no right to be. He had straight up used Brendon; how would he have any justification to be angry that Brendon had decided not to take it any longer? As soon as it was clear to him that Alex was using him, Ryan kicked him to the curb as well. So even though he was mad, he also got where Brendon was coming from. 

  Ryan beat Jon to the coffee shop by about 10 minutes. He relished the warmth of the restaurant, since the apartment had indeed gotten pretty chilly overnight. Trying to get ahead, and to keep warm by moving around, Ryan did his best the previous evening to start packing up some of his stuff, and deciding to leave some other things behind. Part of what he left behind was stuff of Brendon's that he had decided not to take along when he himself had moved. That part was kind of painful...realizing that those items were the only tangible things left of Brendon in his life. 

  Jon slid into the booth with Ryan, and smiled at him. "Hey Ry! I see you got coffee. Did you order anything to eat?" 

  Ryan looked down embarrassedly. "No...I only have like $20 to my name right now. Thought I'd wait and have some lunch while I'm packing and job hunting today."

  Jon frowned slightly. "Well, Ry, let me get you at least something small for breakfast so you have energy enough to take those things on today. I can also help you out - I don't have any photo sessions today." Jon had a really flexible schedule as a freelance and studio photographer. 

  "Ok, Jon. Thank you for all of that. I do appreciate any help you're offering. On that note, what decision did you and Cassie come to last night?" Ryan was sweating bullets. He hoped he actually had somewhere to take the small amount of stuff he was going to keep.

  Jon was paused a few moments, and Ryan's nervousness grew. "Well...Cassie agreed to letting you stay temporarily. BUT...there are conditions."

  Ryan was quick to agree. "Whatever you guys want, Jon, I can live with it!"  
   
  "Ryan, don't be so quick to agree to them before you know what they are. Just listen first and see if you can live with it." Jon was skeptical that Ryan would be ok with all the conditions. The boys paused their conversation to give the waitress their order when she returned.

  After she left, Ryan said, "Ok, Jon, lay it on me. I'm sure whatever it is, it's completely reasonable."

  Jon took a deep breath. "Well, first of all, no guys brought back to our place. That's not a gay thing, you know that. It's a 'Cass-is-super-protective-of-Bren' thing and she's gonna be pissed seeing you with any other guy in the near future."

  Ryan said, "Ok, that's cool by me. I've had enough relationship drama to last me a long while."

  Jon smirked. "That brings me to my next point. We want you to agree not to see Alex Greenwald anymore, at all. He's not good for you, and his arrival on the scene is what blew everything apart."

  Ryan snorted. "You don't have to worry about that. I don't care if I never see that prick ever again. I told him to fuck off in not so many words on the phone yesterday."

  "Well, thank God", Jon said. "That makes that one easy. It's the next one I think you'll actually have a problem with....we want you to go to rehab."

  Ryan's eyes practically bulged out of his head. "REHAB!? Why in the fuck would I go to rehab!? I'm not an addict!" Several of the customers and a few of the wait staff turned and glared at Ryan over his outburst. 

  Jon scowled. "Please keep your voice down, Ry. Look at this like we are. Something is wrong or upset inside of you, and at least part of that involved some heavy drug and alcohol use. Add that to the fact that you to took up an affair with a guy who gave zero fucks about you, and blew up the loving relationship you had with a guy who was the best thing that ever happened to you. I've known you a long time, Ryan, so I'm qualified to say that! At the very least you're self destructive, and you used substance abuse as a part of that destruction. You have to know: this point is non-negotiable. If you want to stay with us, you go to rehab. If it's more important to you that you stay out of rehab, then I will help you find a shelter today. But that's the deal." 

  Ryan stared down into his cup of coffee and was quiet for a long time. He really didn't want to go to rehab, but would he do it to have a roof over his head? And did Jon actually have a point about his being self-destructive? 

"Ok," Ryan finally spoke. "I am willing to go, but how the hell do I pay for it? You know I have no money or insurance! And I can't start a job and then take off to rehab."

  "Well, Cassie and I have a plan for that too," Jon said. "We know somewhere to get you into rehab that is really good, on a scholarship even. Then once you get out, you get a job and live with us, rent-free, for 6 months in the spare room. You save every penny you can during that time. Then for the 6 months after that, you can pay us some rent as a way to get used to doing that again. Then once you've been out of rehab and had a job for a year, you can get your own place. By then, if you're ready to date again, you'll have your own privacy and be in a much healthier place mentally to do it."

  Ryan thought through Jon's plan quietly for a couple of minutes, as the waitress returned with their food. Finally, Ryan spoke. "I gotta say, Jon: that all really makes sense to me. I'll do it."

  Jon positively beamed at Ryan. "Oh my God, Ry. You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. I really think this is your shot to get yourself back in a good place. Can you at least admit you've been in an awful way for the past 6-7 months?"

  Ryan nodded his head and sighed hard. "I think that much is obvious. I did Brendon really dirty, and I never saw myself treating anyone that way, let alone the person I know I once loved more than anything. I also think that whole situation hasn't fully hit me yet. I know I am going to miss him a lot. I just haven't yet."

  Jon nodded to Ryan sadly. "I know you will too, Ry. And I don't want to make you feel bad, but I think that is gonna hurt worse than you think. Brendon is a rare and special person. We're all gonna miss him and you will most of all. All you can do is try to get to the place where you're happy for him and wish him well, because it's what he deserves."

"I know you're right, Jon. I'm just irrationally angry with him right now. I know it isn't right and doesn't make sense." Ryan shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

  "Well, as long as you know that, it's good that you're processing those feelings. Tell you what: let's finish eating and then run to the house and get my car. We'll take it to the apartment so we can load up the things you're keeping to take to my place, okay?" Jon smiled at Ryan again.

  Ryan gave Jon a grateful nod. "That sounds perfect, Jon. And thank you again for helping me. In all the ways you're helping me. I suppose it's time I take a cue from Brendon and get my life back on track too."

  Jon smiled and nodded at Ryan as they both dove into their breakfasts. 

—-

  Ryan and Jon were finishing up with the packing and loading stuff into the car to take to Jon's house. Between Jon's photography income and Cassie's salary as a director of a nonprofit organization, they were able to lead a modest but comfortable lifestyle, even in an expensive place like Manhattan. They had a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a charming family neighborhood that was just a 10 minute walk from the apartment. The only reason the boys had the car was because they were hauling Ryan's stuff over. 

  After they put the last packed box into Jon's trunk, they ran up to the apartment to make one last sweep through to make sure that Ryan hadn't left anything behind that was important or that he just really wanted to keep. Jon took the bathroom and kitchen, and Ryan went through the living room and finally the bedroom. The apartment was furnished when they moved in, so all the furniture was staying behind. 

Ryan ran through the closet, looked under the bed, and then finally checked all the drawers. The last drawer he got to was on what had been Brendon's bedside table. When he opened it, he almost closed it with the conclusion nothing was in there, like all the rest of the drawers. But something glinted and caught his eye.

Ryan reached his hand in and pulled out a black guitar pick. On one side, it had a sun emblem. On the other, it had a crescent moon emblem, with a small silver "BBU" etched in it. Ryan took in a sharp breath.

Jon heard Ryan's gasp and came running in. "Ry, you ok??", Jon said with concern clear in his voice. 

Ryan's lip trembled and a tear spilled down his cheek. "It's...it's Bren's lucky pick. I can't believe he left this behind." Ryan's tears were flowing more and more steadily. 

"Oh, Ry. It's so small - it would be so easy to overlook!" Jon was trying to soothe Ryan. 

But Ryan shook his head, knowing Jon didn't get the significance. "No, Jon. You don't understand. Bren loves this pick...it's one of his most prized possessions. He wouldn't leave it through sheer forgetfulness. No, he had to be in such a hurry, such a bad place mentally, trying to get away from me, in order to leave this behind. I'm sure he's realized and is broken up over it. All this does is show me just how badly I really hurt him, that he had to get away that rapidly." That's when the dam broke and Ryan was wracked with sobs.

Jon sat down and hugged Ryan into a tight embrace. "I know it hurts now, Ry, but we're starting to work on healing it."

Ryan shook his head and wailed around his sobs, "What did I do, Jon? Why did I fucking do that?? I ruined it for a lowlife piece of shit who never gave a fuck about me? I destroyed the best thing I ever had!!" 

Jon's heart hurt for Ryan, mainly because he couldn't deny it or argue with what Ryan had said. Ryan had summed up the situation perfectly. He just wished his friend didn't have to go through so much pain to learn his lesson.

  "I hear you, Ry. And it's good that you're getting your feelings out. You need to keep doing that so you never repeat a mistake like this again. Cassie and I will be here for you while you heal, and learn to do better. This is part of why we insisted on the rehab - you'll get counseling while you're there to help you figure out why this happened." 

  Ryan's crying was finally starting to slow. He nodded his head while he hiccuped and shuddered a few times. "I can't ever put myself in this position again, Jon. It hurts too much, knowing what I did to B." 

  "Honestly, Ry? I think going through this pain now will be what keeps you from repeating that mistake ever again." Jon petted Ryan's hair sympathetically. 

  Ryan took a few deep breaths to get himself settled and wiped his eyes. "Ok, I gotta find someplace special to keep this pick safe until I'm ready to let you send it to Bren. It's the only thing left in here that I want. Then I'm gonna go clean up my face, and we can go turn the keys over to that jackass Bob so he can get on with throwing himself a victory party since I'm gone."

Jon burst out laughing and patted Ryan on the back. "Ok, brother. That sounds like a plan."


	4. Chapter 4

  Brendon pulled his moving truck into the driveway, and shifted into park. Finally, finally, he was here. He'd been driving for 4 solid days, crossing the entire country to bring him to the West Coast. He probably could have pushed a bit harder and made it in 3 days and some change, but it was a physically demanding trip on top of his already exhausted emotional state and frayed nerves. 

  Although he'd exhibited tremendous inner strength and self-respect in leaving Ryan, that didn't mean his heart wasn't battered and hurting. He was still stinging from Ryan's betrayal, his broken dreams about their relationship, and leaving his family behind in New York. But even though he was hurting, Brendon knew this move was the right thing for him to do. 

  He popped open the truck door and took the 3 large steps down to the ground. He stretched and popped his cramped back, and took a deep inhale of warm and sweet Southern California air. Despite the reasons prompting his relocation, he was genuinely glad to be there.

 

  He walked up the steps of the porch and rang the doorbell of the house. It was only a few moments before he heard footsteps approaching. The door swung open, and he was greeted with a blinding smile.

  "Oh my God, Bren! I'm so glad you're finally here!"

  "Hey Spencer!" Brendon said. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you." Spencer opened his arms and enveloped Brendon in a tight, brotherly hug. "I really missed you, Spence."

  "Man, I missed you too. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there with you when you needed me", Spencer said sadly.

  "Dude, don't worry about that. You being here for me now and taking me in is the best thing that could have happened to me at the moment. And you were still there for emotional support the whole time, even if you couldn't be there in person!" Brendon genuinely meant his gratitude for Spencer's help and generosity.

  "B, you're like my brother. You shouldn't expect anything less. Hey! Let's stop jawing here on the porch. Let's get you inside to rest for a bit and get a bite to eat. Plus, I know Linda will want to see you!" Spencer's eyes lit up every time he mentioned Linda's name. 

  Brendon stepped through the door with Spencer and took his first look around at Spencer and Linda's home. It was a cozy, charming bungalow, and they had certainly made it a comfortable and homey place. Brendon felt at home immediately. 

  "Bren! Oh my God - come here and give me a hug!" Linda made a beeline for Brendon, and hugged him up, rocking him back and forth. Brendon couldn't help but giggle over his happiness to see her. 

  "Aww, Linda, you look fantastic! Spence too! Seems like California really agrees with you guys!" Brendon enthused. He was so happy for his friends that things were working so well for them after their cross-country move from New York 9 months ago. He hoped he would find a similar fortune as he made SoCal his home as well. 

  "Yeah Bren, this really was a good move for us. We're hoping for the same outcome for you," Spencer said, echoing Brendon's thoughts. "I just got done grilling us some burgers, and have some beers on ice. Let's go sit in the backyard and eat before we get into unpacking your stuff."

  Brendon groaned in agreement. "Oh man, that sounds amazing. Thank you so much."

  The trio headed through the living room and kitchen into the backyard to enjoy their dinner together. 

 

——

  "Man, Spence! When did you get so good at grilling out? That's easily one of the best burgers I've ever had!" Brendon was really impressed with Spencer's skills with grilling out.

  "Well, when you live somewhere that you can grill out nearly everyday of the year if you want, you get enough practice to get good at it!", Spencer said with a wide grin. He was glad he was able to do anything that provided Brendon with a speck of happiness right now. 

  Linda excused herself to leave, saying she had plans with some girlfriends of hers. She leaned down to peck Spencer's lips goodbye and gave Brendon a little wave, leaving the boys in the backyard around the fire pit to nurse their beers. 

  Spencer decided to wade into the real conversation carefully. "So, now that you're here, have any plans yet? We want you to know that we won't push you to do anything. In fact, I know Linda and I both think you should take a day or two just getting settled: get used to your room and new bed, get everything unpacked and organized, and physically rest up from that bitch of a drive out here. I wish we'd actually had more time to do that when we first got here."

  "Well...yeah. I generally agree with you," Brendon said. "I think I'll take 2 days to do what you said, but no more than that. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll get too far into my head and start wallowing in despair and self-pity. And I really do not want to go there. I've found in the last 4 or 5 weeks that keeping moving, staying busy within reason, is my best strategy. It's not that I'm trying to avoid it or live in denial; I just don't want to dwell on it constantly." Brendon fidgeted with his beer and stared into his lap sadly. 

  "Honestly Bren, that sounds completely reasonable. What is your plan about work? There's no shortage of places you could get on giving music lessons in LA. I definitely have some connections I can introduce you to." Spencer had made the move to LA in the first place to pursue his drumming career and was making a great name for himself as a session musician. 

  "Yeah, I really love giving lessons so I think I'm going to keep that up. It helps that I can give voice lessons as well as guitar, drums and piano. The more you can teach, the more valuable you are." Brendon really loved his students and sharing the joy of music with them, and back in New York, they had loved him right back. He just had a spirit and a soul that was so easy to love. 

  Both boys were quiet for a couple of minutes, just watching the fire, before Spencer felt like it was ok to ask some more probing questions. "So Bren, tell me: how are you really? And don't bullshit me here. I want to know how you're really doing and where you're at with all this. I know leaving like you did could not have been easy on so many levels. But I want you to know we, Linda, Jon and I, are just so proud of you for taking charge of your own situation. It's clear that Ryan didn't deserve you." Spencer scowled when he mentioned Ryan's name, like it left a bad taste in his mouth. 

  Brendon being Brendon, even though Ryan had broken his heart and he was still furious with him, still spoke up slightly for Ryan. "Hey now, Spence - Ryan is your oldest friend. I don't expect you to be angry at him on my behalf. You don't have to hate on him to care for me!"

  Spencer smiled softly and shook his head at Brendon. "Seriously, B: you might be the best person I know, to not immediately trash him after what he did. It does make me really angry the way he treated you, but I'm not mad at him just on your behalf. I am angry also because this is not him. He has never once in all the time I've known him, behaved like this. He's been hurt, scared and moody, and lashed out at others when he was hurting. But he never used people." Spencer's face was red from how worked up he was getting over how pissed he was at Ryan.

  "Yeah, I know," Brendon mumbled softly. "He's like a completely different person than he used to be. By the end, it felt like I never really knew him at all. The way he used me, and the way he talked about me, Spence, when he thought I wasn't around to hear. I just had to let it go." One slow tear made its way slowly down Brendon's face.

  "Damn it, Bren. I'm just so sorry. No one deserves what happened to you, but you least of all. You need to know you are a good person, and so many people love you. You will find someone who's worthy of your time and attention." Spencer, much like Jon before him, just felt his heart ache for his friend. It was all just so unfair.

  "Thanks, Spence. That is really sweet. But I won't be ready to think about even dating casually for forever. I just have no idea when I'll be in a place to want that again. I'm just ready to focus on me and my music, to make me happy again." The thought of dating anyone made Brendon absolutely terrified right now.

  "Oh, absolutely B. Actually, I'm glad you brought music back up, because I had something I wanted to ask you about. You know how we used to casually talk about starting a band? I was wondering...is that something you'd be interested in for real?" Spencer watched Brendon hopefully as Brendon looked at him silently, with wide eyes.

  "Wow, um, Spence...are you serious? Like a band that books gigs and plays for audiences?" 

  "Yeah, B, exactly that! I know a couple of really high-quality, professional musicians with similar music tastes to us, and they are totally up for it. One plays lead guitar, and the other plays bass," Spencer said. "All we would need is you and your golden voice, as well as your abilities on other instruments."

  Brendon was still gaping at Spencer. "You mean you want me to be the frontman? The lead singer??" Brendon was shocked. He loved to sing and knew people thought he was good but he never thought of himself as the frontman of a band before.

  "That's exactly what I mean, Bren. The other guys can sing but their voices are suited for backing vocals. You can do lead vocals and rhythm guitar, or keys, or who even knows what else, since you pick up instruments like a snap of the fingers! You'd be perfect for this, and this might be just the useful distraction you need right now. I can use my connections to get us listened to so we can book gigs. Who knows how far we could go?" Spencer was smiling brightly. It was clear the idea excited him.

  Brendon thought quietly for a few moments. He had to admit: it sounded like exactly the kind of thing he needed right now. It would probably never go further than local gigs, but that didn't really matter. He would have fun no matter what, and it was a new way for him to share his love of music with others. 

  Brendon flashed his own bright smile back at Spencer, the first genuinely wide grin he'd had in weeks. "Yeah, Spence! I'm game. I'll still have to have a primary job teaching though, you know, to pay the bills."

  "Oh yeah, B. This is definitely the side gig for now. But I am so happy you want in! I'll give Mike and Dallon a call tomorrow and make some arrangements to get started! And Bren," Spencer said as his face grew serious, "I really am glad you're here and not just for the band."

  Brendon smiled and patted Spencer on the shoulder. "Yeah, me too Spence...me too."

—-

  The boys sat in the back yard for another half hour or so, Brendon cracking up over stories of some of the crazy people that Spencer had to work with in his session musician career. Brendon was instantly glad he'd accepted Spencer's invite to move to LA and live in his spare room, at least while he got established. He hadn't felt as good as he did tonight, in many months. 

  Right as the boys agreed they should get up off their lazy asses and get to work bringing in Brendon's boxes, Spencer's phone rang. He pulled it out and looked at the display, and furrowed his brow. 

 

  Spencer was looking directly at Brendon as he answered. "Hey, Jon! What's up!" Brendon's eyes grew wide, but then confused as he watched Spencer's expression change while he listened to the other half of the conversation. Brendon couldn't figure out why his face got such a dark, angry look on it - Jon and Spencer were extremely close. 

  Spencer was quiet for a long time before he responded, completely deadpan, "oh, hi Ryan. What a surprise to hear from you." It didn't sound like Spencer regarded it as a pleasant surprise, though. Brendon felt the blood drain from his face. It's like he just couldn't fucking get away from Ryan Ross, despite taking measures to keep Ryan from knowing how to reach him and driving across the motherfucking country. 

  Spencer spoke again, in the same cold tone. "Well, actually Ryan, now isn't the best time for me to talk. I actually have company." Brendon shook his head wildly and waved his hands back and forth to indicate he didn't want Spencer to end the call because of him. Spencer then said, aggravatedly, "Just hold on a minute, Ross." Brendon mouthed "mute" to Spencer and Spencer got the message and muted the phone. Still, Brendon whispered, "I'm just gonna go ahead and start on carrying stuff in and unpacking. Go ahead and have your call with him - you won't be hurting me!" Brendon gestured with his thumb toward to front of the house to indicate where he was heading, and left the backyard.

  Spencer watched Brendon go for a moment before unmuting and resuming the call. He couldn't help thinking once again what a great person Brendon was, for not being petty and insisting he still talk to Ryan. Spencer just wished he could still say such good things about Ryan, since he was still Spencer's oldest friend. 

——-

  Spencer took a deep breath before he got back on the line with Ryan, and said a quick prayer that no matter what Ryan said, he wouldn't lose his shit on him. It was probably going to be easier said than done. 

  "Okay Ryan, I'm back. My company needed to be getting on to other things so I was just seeing them off. Now what can I do for you?" Spencer knew he was speaking really formally with Ryan compared to what they usually did, but he was so mad at him still that he had to keep some level of detachment in order to stay calm.

  Seems that Ryan noticed Spencer's unusual demeanor immediately. Ryan definitely felt uncomfortable knowing that wedge was there between him and Spencer, but also knew there wasn't much he could do about it yet. He knew Spencer had to know what had happened and he was sure he was pissed. 

  "Um, hi Spence. I just wanted to talk to you, since it's been a while and stuff. I feel like there's some stuff I ought to catch you up on." Fuck, Ryan was so nervous. He hated feeling nervous with his oldest friend like this, but he knew he was going to feel Spencer's wrath. He also knew he had to face it. 

  Spencer let out a bitter laugh and spat, "Yeah, I feel like you should catch me up on stuff too, from your perspective at least. Pretty sure I already know all about it, though." Spencer was not going to make this easy on Ryan - no way. 

  Ryan sighed anxiously. "Well, that tells me right there that you know Brendon and I split up." 

  Spencer scoffed loudly. "Well, I guess that's one way of putting it. Some might say he left you. Still others might say he left you because you were a lying, cheating bastard who used him. I'd probably be inclined to go with the last group." Ryan had been expecting a response of that nature. When Spencer felt someone he loved had been wronged, he was pure savage. 

  "Ok, I suppose that's fair, and that I deserved that. I know I did him really dirty, and that he didn't deserve that at all. Now that I have some better perspective on what I did, I'd love to apologize to him, just because I owe him that, but he kicked me the hell out of his life." Ryan was working really hard not to be or even sound defensive. He knew he'd never get anywhere with Spencer like that. 

  "And I'm glad he did, Ross!" Spencer yelled. "He should have dumped your ass long before he did. You have no idea how many times he held both me and Jon, not to mention Gabe, back from ripping you a new asshole! He is one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met, and you toss all that aside for a low-life, wannabe hipster who led you down the path of partying like a fraternity boy, and in the process let yourself lose your amazing job that you worked your ass off to get. I honestly have tried to put myself in your shoes, Ryan, and figure out what you were thinking or what the motivation for your behavior was, and I am completely clueless. Why did you do that, huh?"  
    
  Ryan swallowed hard and answered, barely above a whisper, "I honestly don't know Spencer. I can't figure it out myself." 

  "Well, that is just a shit answer, Ross. Tell me this much - did you ever actually love Brendon in the first place?", Spencer gritted out.  

  "Yes! I swear I did! I know the answer to that one", Ryan said urgently. That was actually one of the things that upset Ryan the most. He knew that Brendon probably thought that Ryan never loved him, but Ryan did. Ryan just could not place what it was about Alex coming into his life that so drastically changed how he related to Brendon. 

  "Well, you had a funny way of showing it, going out slutting around with the first piece of shit who shows you some attention and throws drugs at you. I heard you called Brendon naive to that asshole; seems to me like you were the one who was the most naive in the end. He played you good." Spencer wasn't holding a single thing back. He had months of ranting pent up that he had wanted to unleash on Ryan and he was letting it all go now that Brendon wasn't holding him back. 

  Ryan choked back a sob and took a deep breath. "Spencer, please," he said with a wavering voice. "I know I was wrong. I know I was an asshole and that I fucked up in the biggest way possible. But I want to change and fix whatever it is that caused me to basically throw Bren away like he meant nothing to me. I know there's gotta be an underlying issue for me to just unravel like that, so I am getting help. I called to tell you that I'm going away for a while." Ryan sniffled and worked hard at holding back tears. 

  Spencer was a little taken aback by Ryan's admission and by the fact that he was getting help. "What do you mean, you're going away for a while, Ry? Where are you going?"

"I'm going to rehab, Spence. I was really heavy into drugs and alcohol while I was partying with Alex, and it's obvious I also have emotional baggage to work out, so I can get help with both of those issues in rehab. Jon and Cassie had made it a condition of my being allowed to stay with them, but after we talked it through and worked out a plan, it all made a lot of sense to me. I think they are right that this is my best shot to get all my shit straightened out, and I don't want to be that guy that hurt Bren like that, ever again. I don't even know that guy and I am ashamed that I ever got to that state in the first place." Ryan was panting by the time he finished talking. He spoke with such sincerity and feeling that it even took a physical toll on him. 

  Spencer was floored: he had never heard Ryan talk that openly or frankly about anything he did wrong. Spencer saw no defensiveness in him at all; in fact, Ryan seemed almost humble. Spencer had to admit he was pleased and impressed. "Ry, I think that's the very best thing you could possibly do and I'm glad you're so willing to do it. It doesn't matter that it wasn't originally your idea because you are the one willing to go and put in the effort to fix whatever it is that's wrong. I love you, and you have my support in this. I am so proud of you."

  Now Ryan finally couldn't help it - he was crying quietly. But he knew it was safe with Spencer so he didn't try to hide it. "Thank you, Spence. Your support on this means everything to me. I am going to make sure I never hurt anyone like I hurt Brendon again. Have...have you talked to him recently? I don't want to know what he said or anything. I just want to know that he's safe and doing ok."

  Spencer bit his lip before answering. "Not super recently, no. Last time I talked to him, he was tired from driving, but emotionally he was doing about as good as could be expected. He's sad and hurt, of course, but he's not falling apart. He's determined to make a fresh start for himself." Spencer felt like he'd answered Ryan's question without giving anything away that he shouldn't about Brendon's status. 

  "Good," Ryan said. "I hope he goes forward and builds a wonderful life for himself, and that he finds someone so much better than me to love and be loved by in return. I just want him to be happy."

  "That's pretty selfless, Ry", Spencer admitted. "I think you're making a good head start on your new mindset. Can I ask, when are you going to rehab, and how long will you be there?"

  "Well, that's why I called tonight. I check in tomorrow morning. I will likely be there for 90 days. Could be more, could be less, but that's the original plan." Ryan took a steadying breath to hide his nerves about entering rehab the following morning. "Will you keep in touch with me? I can have periodic phone calls and write emails or actual letters. I would really look forward to hearing from you." Ryan sounded small and timid, like he wasn't sure he was allowed to ask for that kind of thing from Spencer right now.

  "Of course, Ry", Spencer soothed. " I want to keep up with how you're doing and offer any support I can."

  "Ok, thank you Spence. Listen, I better go. I need to make sure I have everything packed that I need and get to bed because we leave early in the morning. We're headed upstate and it's gonna be a long drive. Hey Spence? I love you."

  Spencer smiled even though Ryan couldn't see. "I love you too, brother. I'm looking forward to getting the real Ryan back again. Sleep well, friend."

  Ryan hung up the phone and thought once again about the notion of the "real Ryan". He now felt more certain that his true self was still somewhere inside him, and he was really looking forward to finding it and bringing it out.


	5. Chapter 5

  Ryan sighed as he sat down on the bed of his newly assigned room, and took a look around. It was a pretty basic room, much like a college dorm room would be: single bed, dresser, desk, closet, a bedside table and a small but functional attached bathroom. It wasn't luxurious, but he felt like he could make due. 

  "Well...Not too bad, is it?", asked Jon. "Gets the job done, anyway."

  "Yeah, it'll be ok. At least I was able to score a single room," said Ryan. Ryan was beyond thrilled at his luck that there was a single room available when they checked. He promised he wouldn't avoid the other patients and would be good about participating in his group sessions and at least some periodic activities. The counselors explained that it was an integral part of his recovery experience and he reassured them he understood. It was simply that at night, he had enough trouble sleeping, and someone else's strange habits would only add to his insomnia.

  "Ok, Ry. Well, I'm glad I was able to help you settle in at least a little. I gotta take off if I want to make it back to the city without getting stuck in hellacious rush hour traffic." Jon rose from the bed and moved slightly toward the door, before turning and opening his arms to Ryan for a hug. Ryan, despite not being an overly touchy-feely guy, gladly accepted this time. 

  "Thank you for everything, Jon. I wouldn't be moving on towards healing myself if it weren't for you and Cass. Tell her I say thanks again to her as well." He patted Jon's back slightly before releasing him. 

  "I will, Ry. She's really proud of you, you know. We all are - me, her, Spence and Linda. We know this going to lead to good things for you", Jon encouraged. 

  "Yeah, me too. I only wish Bren would have gotten to see it. I know he would have been so happy and proud. I really miss him, you know." Ryan hung his head as he thought again about how awful he'd been to Brendon. 

  "I know, Ry", Jon said softly. "You have to do this for you, but you can do it a tiny bit to honor him too if you like."

  Ryan smiled broadly. "I like that, Jon. I'll use doing right by him as motivation for when it gets tough. Even though I won't see him anymore, I can still feel like I made an effort to make things right."

  Jon stepped back and smiled at Ryan. "That's the spirit, Ry. Give 'em hell! Cass and I will be up to visit in a few weeks. Love you, man."

  "Love you too, Jon. Drive safely!" Ryan followed Jon to the door and closed it behind him. Ryan had some free time for about 3 hours before they came to get him started with classes and therapy sessions. 

  "Well," he thought to himself, "I suppose I'll take a nap before I unpack. Might as well get used to my new bed." He kicked off his shoes and got under the covers. He closed his eyes, and thought about how he was not going to waste this opportunity to resolve whatever his issues were, as he drifted off to sleep.

—-

   It had been an interesting afternoon, to say the least. It was clear to Ryan that the way rehab worked was going to take some getting used to. He was so used to being able to come and go as he pleased, so having set meal times and times he was required to be with the group for therapy, classes and activities felt frustrating to him. He was trying to be patient, however, because he knew nobody who was there was used to it when they first came. 

  Presently, he was sitting in a chair waiting outside the office of the therapist he'd been assigned for individual therapy. He couldn't decide if he was more or less nervous about individual therapy. On one hand, he was really glad that this was one time he wasn't expected to share his thoughts and feelings with a big group of people. On the other hand, he knew that since it was so private, this is where they'd really do the deep digging and hard work on his personal issues. It was a little nerve-wracking to think about. One thing that did please him though, was he heard he'd gotten lucky and got the therapist who was widely considered the favorite. All the patients loved her. He figured there had to be a good reason for it. 

  The opening of the door startled him out of his thoughts. "Ryan Ross?" A petite blond young woman stepped through the door and landed her gaze on him. She sent him a soft smile as he rose from the chair and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, walking into her office. The both entered, her shutting the door behind them, and she told him to have a seat. 

  As she crossed behind her desk to sit back down, she spoke softly. "Hi, Ryan. My name is Greta. Technically, it's Dr. Salpeter, but I don't like being so formal. It's nice to meet you."

  "It's nice to meet you too...Greta," Ryan muttered. He felt really awkward; he'd never done anything like this before. 

  "Ryan, today I'm just gonna spend some time getting to know you and your specific situation. If there's anything specific you ever want to talk about, you can always tell me. But we're not setting out to dive into anything heavy today. I just want you to feel comfortable with me. So today especially, I'm pretty much just going follow your lead." Greta's whole tone of voice and demeanor seemed aimed at putting her patients at ease.

  And oddly enough, Ryan did feel pretty comfortable with Greta, all things considered. She had a vibe about her that made her completely non-threatening and easy to trust. Her soft smile, gentle voice, and kind eyes were a very comforting presence. 

  "Okay, Greta," Ryan said, "tell me what you want to know."

  "Well, why don't you start with telling me basic getting-to-know-you info, and we can work up from there?" 

"Okay...well, I'm 25. I'm from New York City, and I've lived there all my life. Right now, I'm unemployed. I lost my job about 4 months ago. Also, I'm recently single, which is a direct result of the reasons I'm here. I made life miserable for my boyfriend in a whole lot of ways, and he finally left about a week or so ago. I don't really have much for family; my mom left when I was really little, and I rarely associate with my father because he's really homophobic and has no problem telling me about it. My main support system are my friends Jon and Spencer and Jon's wife Cassie. It's a little awkward because they are just as close with my ex, but they've been there for me. Is that good?"

  Greta smiled bigger than before. "Not only is that good, it's great! You told me a lot just then. Lets me know some about who you are and where you're coming from and lets me ask some questions myself!" Ryan felt happy that he had pleased Greta by being forthcoming enough. "Ryan, can I ask why you lost your job, and what it was you did?" 

  Ryan's face reddened, because he was still so embarrassed about being fired. "Um, I lost it because I had attendance issues. I was going out partying with this guy I met at a concert, getting high and drunk every night, and then I'd be in no shape to show up for work. They just got sick of putting up with it. And I was a section editor for the New York Times. It's extra frustrating now because I had worked really hard in my career to get that job. It was an excellent job and I really enjoyed it, but I just pissed it away."

  "So you said you were out partying with a guy you met...I take it this was not your boyfriend?"

  Now Ryan was embarrassed yet again, but he knew all this stuff had to get out in the open if it had any chance of fixing whatever was wrong. "Yeah, we never invited him. That's partly because he was busy with work in the beginning, but then I let myself be drawn into an affair with this guy, so we didn't invite him at that point because I was cheating and lying to him. He definitely suspected, because we stopped having sex very often, and when we did, he insisted we use condoms even though we hadn't in a long time because we'd been together for a long time by that point and we'd always been monogamous up until then.."

  "Okay...did you enter into that affair because you were tired of your boyfriend?"

Ryan dropped his eyes and stared at his lap,"No, honestly, I wasn't. I didn't start having any negative feelings toward Bren - his name is Brendon - until I got heavier into partying and gave in to cheating. I guess it was at the point when he started questioning the changes in my behavior that I started getting aggravated with him. I was annoyed because by that point all I cared about was partying and fucking around, and he was kind of a buzzkill. That's not how I feel now, mind you, but it was then. I honestly don't know why I got started getting fucked up and cheating in the first place. That's definitely one of the things I want to work with you to figure out."

  Greta smiles softly at him again. "I'd be more than happy to help you figure out your motivations about that. Can I ask...do you miss him?"

  Ryan looked Greta right in the eye. "I miss him every day. I try not to think about whether I still love him or not, because I'm too confused about everything to even deal with that right now. But he was my best friend and the best person I've ever met. He didn't deserve how I treated him at all, and I can't even apologize to him." Ryan's voice was wavering, and tears were spilling over his cheeks.

  Greta looked confused. "Why can't you apologize to him? Did something happen to him? Did he pass away?"

  Ryan chuckled dryly through his tears. "No, thank God. But he kicked me the hell out of his life. He left me, moved out and left New York and made sure I didn't know where he moved to. He changed phone numbers and won't even give our friends the number because he wants there to be no chance I can find out how to reach him. He'll only email them and schedule times for him to call them from a blocked number. And for that he even created a new email I don't have. He never wants to see or talk to me ever again." 

  "Oh my," Greta said. "Do you know why he's gone through such extreme measures to block you out?"

  "Oh yeah, and it's totally my fault. It's because he got home from work early one night and i assumed he was still at work. My...affair and I busted in our apartment, making out. I said essentially that he was naive sucker and that I was giving no thought about him, and he heard it all. He had been asleep on the couch, so he just lay there and pretended to still be asleep so I could take the rope and hang myself with my own behavior, because it was his chance to know exactly what was going on. When I saw him lying there, I sent the other guy home and then went to the door and acted like I just got back. He played along with it. That was actually the last day I saw him; and that was 5 weeks ago. I was so wrapped up in getting high and fucking around with this other guy that I didn't even notice he was staying gone when I was home. I didn't notice that we hadn't seen each other, spoken or texted for 33 days. He broke the lease to the apartment and laid all his plans to move away all while waiting to see it I noticed he wasn't around and we hadn't talked. Well, I didn't. The next time I talked to him was right after our landlord informed me I had 24 hours to get out. He had already been completely moved out for 2 days at that point, and I didn't notice at all because he made sure I had food, a place to live and even money. He was long gone by the time I talked to him, and that's when I found out everything he knew. He really taught me a lesson but I totally deserved it. And the best part was after all that, my affair wouldn't even let me crash on his couch even though I was a day from being homeless. He let me know that he basically only wanted to party with me and fuck, that he wasn't in it to actually be involved in a relationship with me. So I ended up having to move to my friend Jon's and that's when the idea came to come here." Once he finished speaking, Ryan couldn't believe he'd already basically told Greta the whole story! 

  "Ryan, I am very sorry that things have been difficult for you. While it is true that you had some behavior that set some consequences in motion for you that could have been avoided, that doesn't mean you don't deserve empathy for having had a rough time. I am not here to judge you or call you a bad person. I am here to help you figure out what has caused you to seek out more than one self-destructive behavior and solve those root issues. You've been very forthcoming so far, so I see no reason why we won't be able to do that as long as you continue to trust me, and be honest with both me and yourself. How does that sound?"

  Now Ryan smiled at Greta. "Honestly, that sounds amazing. I just want to figure out my issues and I also never want to hurt anyone like that again."

  "I believe you Ryan", Greta said. "'My initial impression is that you're a good person who's just had some troubles. I think you're going to be ok:"

  "Thank you, Greta. You've helped me feel really hopeful for the first time in a long while." Ryan ginned at Greta and felt surprisingly lighter after getting all that off his chest. 

  "You're so welcome, Ryan. That's all our time for today, and is a good place to stop anyhow. Do you know how to get to where you need to go next?"

"I do. I have a little bit of free time now, so I'm going to head back to my room. Thanks again!" Ryan turned and headed out the office door back toward his room. He felt grateful that the person who was going to be sorting out his problems with him was so kind and empathetic. He felt even more clearly that he was in the beginning stages of getting his life, and true self, back.


	6. Chapter 6

  Brendon was finishing up with his last student of the day, a piano student. Her name was Allie, and she was around 10 years old. He was really fond of her: she had natural musical ability, worked hard, loved playing, but most of all, she was so funny! She was always making him laugh at their lessons. She was just a joy to teach. 

  This day was an early finish for Brendon, as it was a Friday, and was one of the nights their band did gigs. He was amazed at how quickly their band had taken off; he had been in LA for about 7 weeks now, and they'd already been doing a few gigs a week for over a month. Granted, Spencer's connections had helped them get their feet in the door, but it wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't been any good. They'd gone from playing one venue to a handful of clubs, and their audience seemed to increase with each gig. 

  When it came time to name their band, Brendon had been clueless. They wanted something unique but not completely weird. Finally, after two hours of going around with everyone and getting nowhere, Spencer mentioned a song lyric that mentioned the phrase "panic at the disco". Everyone had liked it. It was certainly memorable but didn't really bring anything negative to mind. To make it even more memorable in print, they added an "!" after the word Panic, and it was a done deal. 

  "Allie, you've done great work today! You tell your mama that if you keep working so hard and doing so well, you'll get to start playing some Mozart in no time!" Brendon grinned widely at her as her eyes grew huge. 

  "For real, Mr. Brendon?? I'm glad it's him and not that Beeeth-oven Guy...his name is too hard!" Brendon burst out laughing. 

  "Well, I'm glad that you're glad. Don't forget your practice book! Remember: 30 minutes every day!",  Brendon reminded her. 

  "I will!", Allie said as she made a "cross my heart" motion. "I promise!" 

  "Ok, then, see you next week!"

  Allie scurried out of the room with Brendon close behind her, and he gave her mother a friendly wave as they left. When he turned to the left, he saw Spencer there grinning, waiting to pick him up. 

  "Cute kid! Good student?" Spencer asked.

  "Yep, she's awesome. And she's a riot too. She constantly has me laughing! One of my fringe benefits of teaching," Brendon winked at Spencer. 

  Spencer chuckled. "Fair enough. We gotta head out if we're gonna grab anything to eat before we sound check and get dressed!"

  Brendon said, "Lead the way - you know I can't wait!"

  Spencer said, "I know! You've gotta be one of the most natural frontmen I've ever seen. Who knew you had that kind of character in your sweet, adorable little self, hmm?" Spencer reached out and pinched Brendon's cheek.

  "Cut it out!", Brendon cried as he swatted Spencer's hand away. Still, he couldn't help laughing at Spencer's special brand of crazy. 

  "So B, I wanna tell you something, but you can't get your hopes all up in case it doesn't happen, ok?"

  Brendon furrowed his brows and looked at Spencer in confusion. "Okaaaay....go ahead."

  "I heard a rumor that an A&R guy from a relatively big record label might be at our show tonight. But a rumor is all it is. I obviously can't get any confirmation on that. That's why I don't want you to get your hopes up about it."

  Brendon laughed. "Geez, Spence, you had me worried for a second. That's cool. The way I look at the band is that I'm always gonna do my best in it no matter what, and what will be will be. If we never were more successful than we are right now, it would still be so fun to me!"w

  "Wow, awesome Bren! That's actually a super-good attitude and certainly keeps you from being disappointed in a town like LA!" Spencer was relieved at how laid back Brendon was about the whole thing.

  "Well, Spence...it's no secret I've been through some shit recently. Being out here with you guys and having the band and a totally clean slate has just been so overwhelmingly positive for me that I can't find it in me to get bent out of shape over whether we get famous this weekend or not." Brendon wasn't being cynical or even pragmatic, here; he just had a different perspective on what was important in life than a lot of other people his age, due to what he'd went through. 

  "That's a fair point, B. We'll just go out and give them the fabulous show we always give, just because we're us and we're awesome, eh?" Spencer flipped his sunglasses down over his eyes and gave Brendon a faux-smug smirk.

  "Shut up, you dork!", Brendon laughed and he shoved Spencer's shoulder, and they made their way into the car to head to grab some food. 

 

—-

"Wow, you all have been amazing tonight!", Brendon shouted into the microphone. "Thank you all for coming out. We are Panic! At The Disco, and we hope to see you out again!" The four boys came together at the center of the stage, took a bow, and headed backstage. Spencer threw his arm around Brendon's shoulders as they walked and treated him to a brilliant smile.

  "Damn, Bren. That's the best show so far - you were on fire!" Brendon ducked his head bashfully while a grin crept up on his lips.

  Dallon nodded his head in agreement. "Spence is right Bren. I've never seen you that dialed in on a performance!" Mike was grinning too. The electricity and adrenaline was palpable in the group.

  "Thanks, guys. I feel the same about you. It just feels like everything clicks better and better each time we go out there! I couldn't do any of what I do without you guys, though." Brendon knew it was a group effort. 

  "Let's just agree to this: we all rock," Spencer said, trying to maintain a serious look. Brendon rolled his eyes and laughed. "Let's go get out of these sweaty clothes and then go have a drink before we head out."

  "Sounds good to me," Mike said. They all headed to the small dressing room they were sharing. Once inside, they took turns inside the minuscule bathroom cleaning up the best they could, then changing clothes. 

  When they were just about ready to head out to the bar for a drink, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," Spencer offered. The others went on with finishing up their preparations.

  The next thing Brendon heard was Spencer's stuttering voice. "Uh, Wow...um, hi. You are who I think you are, right?" 

  Brendon looked up in time to see a shorter, dark haired, tan man enter the dressing room, cackling at Spencer's lack of smoothness. "Well, I don't know. Who do you think I am?" Brendon's eyes grew wide as he realized who it was.

  Spencer, continuing to be oh-so-smooth, said, "I think you're Pete motherfucking Wentz!" Pete grinned even bigger, if possible. "Well, then you are correct. I am indeeed Pete motherfucking Wentz!"

  All four Panic boys immediately turned toward their unexpected visitor and just gaped at him wordlessly for a moment. Then Brendon's brain kicked back into gear and he knew someone needed to do some talking. 

  "Wow, Mr. Wentz, it's so nice to meet you! I'm Brendon Urie, lead singer. You've already met Spencer Smith, our drummer, and this is Mike Naran, lead guitarist and Dallon Weekes is on bass." Brendon felt like this was the most surreal moment of his life, meeting the leader of Fall Out Boy and head of Decaydance Records. 

  "First of all," Pete said, "just call me Pete. Mr. Wentz is my dad. And second, it's my pleasure to meet you. You guys kicked major ass out there tonight. You definitely lived up to the buzz I've been hearing about you. I especially enjoyed that Nicotine song - great writing!"

  "Oh wow, thanks so much. We've really tried to work constantly on creating our own songs. We don't want to be doing a ton of covers," Brendon explained. 

  "That is good thinking. Listen guys, I'm gonna cut to the chase. I came back to see you because I'm interested in signing you. The audiences love you. You've generated the most buzz I've seen in the LA music scene in a long time, and you're all insanely good musicians. Are you all interested in taking this to the next level?"

  The boys had went through this discussion already, back when they first started rehearsing. They knew that them ever getting a shot at a record deal was a huge long shot, but all agreed they wanted to go for it if the chance ever came up. 

  Spencer spoke up now, as he was the best person at dealing with the business end of things. "Yes, Pete, we do. We've all already discussed this as a group and went over the work and commitment involved, and we're all on board with it. And those of us with significant others already got their buy-in also." Spencer wanted Pete to know that they knew being a nationally known band wasn't all rose petals and champagne. 

  "Very good," Pete said. "Then you are already so much more prepared to do this than any other group I've ever looked at signing. I'm going to give you my card with my office address and my cell number. I want you all to come by my office on Monday morning at 10 so we can hash this deal out. Can we do that?"

  "We can absolutely do that," Brendon agreed. The three others nodded their heads to show they were in. "We'll all be there!"

  "Great!", Pete grinned. "I'll be looking forward to it. I think you boys should get mentally prepared for some great future success. I'll see you Monday."

  "See you then," Spencer confirmed as Pete turned and left their dressing room.

  All four boys looked at each other for a long, quiet moment, and then as if it all sunk in at once, began whooping and hollering, jumping up and down and hugging each other.

  "Holy fucking shit! I can't believe that just happened!" Brendon yelled as he clutched onto Spencer and hugged him another time.

  "Oh my God," Dallon said, still in shock. "Breezy is going to freak when I give her the news!"

  "Linda too," Spencer agreed. "I can't believe it's really happening for us!"

  "Boys, this calls for a drink! It's definitely time we celebrate!" Mike smiled wildly at the rest of the group.

  "Yep," Brendon said, "let's go throw our bags into the car, and drink to Pete Wentz!" 

The boys picked their stuff up and headed out of the room to drop it in the car, still buzzing with chatter over their immense good fortune, and prepared to go enjoy their evening.

 

—-

  "Well, gentlemen...how do you feel about this deal. This will guarantee 2 albums with an immediate option to pick up a 3 if you are doing well. Once we're recorded the first album, we'll want to gear up to tour as soon as possible. Can we call this an agreement?" Pete was definitely different at the business table, but not unpleasantly so. 

  All four boys looked at each other and nodded their heads, so Spencer spoke up. "Yes, I believe we have a deal."

  "Ok, then. I need all four of your signatures on the last page, and you are signed to Decaydance Records."

  One by one, the boys took the pen and the contract and signed their names, demonstrating their commitment to the new lives they were about to begin. When Dallon, as the last to go, finished signing his name, Pete stood and came to each member individually. He first shook their hands, then gave them a brief but tight hug. When he'd finished with everyone, he said, "Welcome to the Decaydance family. I'm so glad you guys have joined us."

There were bright smiles all around as Pete told them to stop and leave all their contact info with his assistant and that they would be in touch in the next couple of days about arrangements. 

  The boys left the office and split up for their respective rides home, Mike riding with Dallon and Brendon with Spencer. Everyone parted with a friendly goodbye, and settled into their cars. 

  Spencer turned on the radio, and the boys were quiet, still absorbing everything, as Spencer merged onto the freeway. Brendon was leaning with his head against the car window, watching the passing scenery. Spencer would steal glances at him periodically, curious about where his mind was at. 

  "Hey, B...you ok?" Spencer asked softly as he turned the radio down.

  Brendon turned to him jerkily, as if startled. He gave Spencer a small smile. "Yeah, I really am. I was just...thinking..."

  Spencer raised his eyebrow."About what? Whatever it is, it doesn't seem happy. I thought you'd be over the moon right now!"

  Brendon chuckled a little. "I really am, Spence. I'm thrilled. It's just...sometimes, when I least expect it...I start thinking about Ryan."

  Spencer bit his lip. "Oh, I'm sorry, B. I didn't mean to pry..."

  "No, no!", Brendon said, "You're ok. I was just thinking back to when things were good with us, and we'd play guitar and sing together. It's one of my favorite memories of us, and I'm still able to have some good ones every once in a while. I just can't help wondering what he'd make of all this."

  Moments like these were really hard for Spencer. He knew exactly what Ryan would make of this: he'd be so happy and proud for Brendon. Since Spencer still kept in touch with Ryan, he knew were he was emotionally, especially in regard to Brendon. He knew Ryan's remorse was immense, and he just wanted Brendon to have a good and happy life. But he didn't want to tell Brendon that exactly, because even if he had good memories of Ryan, Brendon still didn't want him as part of his life, and Spencer respected that. 

  "Well, Bren...I'd like to think he'd be proud or at least happy for you." That was the best Spencer could do with the tightrope he needed to walk.  

  "Thanks, Spence", Brendon smiles. "I would like to think that too. I know you still talk to him. I don't want to know anything about your conversations, but how will you handle this band news with him? I'd really rather that none of us told him I was part of this if you choose to tell him about your involvement."

  "Well for now, I'm not telling anyone outside of family," Spencer stressed. "It's too new. I'll share with a wider range of people once we're well established."

  "Ok, same here. I just don't want him thinking this is an invitation to try to reach me," Brendon mumbles as he stared at his lap.

  "I get it, B. Assuming we're successful, he'll know eventually but it should be easy enough to insulate you if we get to that point," Spencer said. 

  "Ok, sounds good," Brendon agreed. "Now enough of my being a buzzkill! Let's get in touch with Linda and plan a celebratory dinner out!"

  "Yes! Now you're talking!" Spencer chuckled as he made his way through the city streets as they neared their home.

  Brendon smiled as they returned to their silence. He was just so thankful for their good luck with getting this deal. And he hoped that wherever Ryan was and whatever he was doing, that he was well; that he had found himself again, and left that stranger he last saw behind.


	7. Chapter 7

  Ryan sat on his bed, cradling his acoustic guitar and strumming absently. Playing was so much a part of who Ryan was, that he could be lost in thought and still play beautiful sounding chords. He had missed this vital part of himself while he was out living a life that seemed to belong to some stranger he didn't know. 

  Today, Ryan's guitar definitely had him deep into his own head. As he formed chords and softly played, he remembered back to all the times he and Brendon would get out their guitars and do this together, not knowing that Brendon had recently remembered the same. He thought about Brendon every day; he missed him so much. When he was partying and cheating, he was so clouded in his thinking that he couldn't see just how much Brendon's presence meant in his life. He was intertwined into every facet of Ryan's world. So now that he was no longer there, Ryan felt a gaping hole in his existence. 

  The one thing Ryan just couldn't let himself think about was whether he still loved Brendon or not. It was easy for him to think of him fondly, and feel badly about how he treated him, but love was something his mind just could not deal with right now. He told himself it was because he was so mixed up and confused in his thinking about everything in his life, that he just couldn't make sense of the subject. In reality, there was one buried truth Ryan just couldn't face: he had lost the love of his life as a direct result of his actions. 

  Ryan snapped back to reality as he heard a reminder alert sound on his phone: it was time for him to go to his meeting with Greta. As someone who had complied with all the rules and tasks asked of him in rehab, he was allowed to have his phone after a couple of weeks. Ryan silenced the phone, sighed, and laid his guitar across his bed. He turned and looked briefly at the guitar strap that had been a gift from Brendon, shook his head slightly, and headed out the door to Greta's office. 

—-

  Ryan saw that Greta's door was open, so he walked up and knocked lightly on the doorframe. Greta looked up from her paperwork, and grinned brightly at Ryan. 

  "Ryan! So good to see you! Come on in."

  Ryan slipped into the room and sat in the comfortable armchair he favored when having his sessions with Greta. Things were much more casual and comfortable with them since their first meeting, Ryan having been there for several weeks now.

  "So, Ryan, tell me how you're feeling today?" This was the question Greta always opened up with. 

  "Well, a little off, to be honest. Been stuck in my thoughts a lot today. Was just playing my guitar before I came, and it reminds me of Brendon so much. It's something we did together a lot before everything fell apart."

  Greta nodded to indicate she'd been listening. "I see," she said. "Well, I think it's time we move into some new ground today. You know that I have taken your lead as much as possible with the topics we have covered. But today, I'm going to give you a gentle nudge to talk about some things I think you've been avoiding."

  Ryan was quiet for a moment. "So...what topic is it you have in mind?"

  Greta held eye contact with Ryan. "Ryan, we need to talk things out about Brendon."

  "Why? I mean, we know I screwed him over. I was awful to him; and now he's gone. I've accepted that. What is there to talk about?" Ryan was really tense now. He tried to at least tell himself that he had accepted Brendon being gone for good. 

  "Ok, first of all Ryan, I want you to stop and assess how you're feeling right now. As soon as I brought this up to talk about, you got very agitated and tense. Does that right there not tell you there are issues here we need to resolve?" 

  Ryan's shoulders slumped; he knew Greta was right. "I am just so afraid to talk about this," Ryan practically whispered.

  "What is it you're afraid of, Ryan?" Greta's voice was so kind and gentle.

  "I'm scared of how much this is gonna hurt," Ryan sniffled.

"Ryan, listen: it probably will be painful. But in the weeks we've been working together, we've covered other painful things. You find that pain, process it, and then you can move on. You don't want to be stuck, Ryan. I don't want that for you either." Greta's eyes expressed her sincerity, and Ryan did trust Greta immensely. 

  Ryan took a deep breath. "Okay, let's do it."

  Greta said, "Well, I think some of the things we've already figured out relate to what happened in your relationship with Brendon. Go back to when we figured out that you often feel bad or unworthy because of your father's relentless criticism. Do you think your feelings of inadequacy relate to how you looked at your relationship with Brendon?"

  Ryan thought for a minute. He remembered feeling so lucky when he and Brendon first met and got together. He couldn't believe that someone so kind, beautiful and talented could have any interest in him. But over time, that turned to him feeling like there was no way he could ever deserve Brendon, that he could just never measure up or be worthy enough of Brendon's love. He had a constant fear in the back of his mind that Brendon would figure out that he was too good for Ryan, and leave him, despite Brendon never giving any indication of that. 

  "Well, I definitely felt lucky at first that someone so good would want me. But then I just got scared that he'd figure out that he was so much better than me and decide to leave."

  "Okay," Greta said, "and did you feel the same way about Alex?"

  Ryan snorted, "Hell no. He was always down on my level, maybe even worse! He was always easy, nothing extraordinary. I never had to work at anything with him."

  Greta held Ryan's eyes for a moment. "Ryan, we've spent all our time together talking about your tendencies to do self-destructive things. Do you think perhaps that follows here? Can I suggest that maybe you were so afraid, subconsciously, of your relationship with Brendon ending that you blew it up yourself so you could have control over it? Maybe trying not to get blindsided by it?" Greta asked all of this very gently.

  Ryan's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. As soon as he registered what Greta said, he knew it was absolutely true. "Holy shit, yes. That is exactly what I did."

  Greta leaned forward to emphasize her next point. "Ryan, all those old messages you have in your head of not being good or worthy, are totally false. You deserve love and a healthy relationship as much as anyone else. Obviously, Brendon saw the worthiness in you, and treated you with love. Would he have lied to you about that?" Greta asked. Ryan shook his head fervently. "I didn't think so either. Ryan, you always deserved Brendon's love, and still do. You just have to start to believe it."

  Ryan slumped back in his chair. He was stunned. He always knew he had fucked up, but never knew why or to what degree. This was so much more, so much worse than regular cheating: this was blowing up his wonderful relationship to force an outcome that maybe, probably would never have come.

  The first tear made its way down Ryan's cheek. "Wow...I seriously screwed up. He might not have ever left. We'd probably be together right now if I could have just accepted being worthy of love...of his love."

  Greta's eyes were so empathetic. She knew Ryan was already hurting, and her next question wasn't going to hurt any less. "Ryan...how do you feel about Brendon right now? I know you miss him, but really - what are your feelings for him at this moment. Don't overthink it."

  Ryan barely took a breath before he whispered, "I love him. I still love him. I never stopped." Now the tears came faster down his face and his lip trembled. 

  Greta moved closer and put a sympathetic hand on Ryan's knee. "Ryan, it's good that you're aware of all that now. I can tell you are hurting, and that is completely normal. I am here to listen and help however I can."

  "But I destroyed it!", Ryan cried. "B left, totally because of what I did!" 

  Greta bit her lip. "Ryan, you know I'll always be honest with you. Yes, from what you told me, your actions directly resulted in Brendon leaving. But it's important for you to recognize that so if in the future you're ever faced with another situation where you feel inadequate and tempted to make moves you would later regret, you can recognize those feelings and cool off before acting."

  Ryan tucked his knees up to his chest, buried his face in them, and sobbed. He knew he had destroyed their relationship but he hadn't known why. Now that he did, he was absolutely beside himself. How long were his father's criticisms and cruel words going to destroy his life? He had to change that path so it never happened again. 

Greta sat quietly as Ryan cried; she just allowed him to be. After a few minutes, his crying slowed and he sniffled, "Greta? Was I right about myself? Am I unworthy of Brendon or anyone else's love?" 

  "Of course not," Greta soothed. "Ryan, those are incorrect words from a man who didn't know how to relate to you or love you properly. His opinions don't define you - only you do. Do you want to stop feeling unworthy?" she asked.

  "Oh my God, yes!", Ryan cried out. "I never want to screw myself over again like that! I want to have good things and feel worthy of them, and keep them."

  Greta smiled at him softly, "Then I'm going to help you learn to change your thinking so you learn to know that you are worthy of love and all good things, and most importantly, to love yourself."

  Ryan nodded as he wiped his face with a tissue. Then a thought occurred to him and he bit his lip. "But...Bren. It's too late there, isn't it?" He looked at her with sad eyes.

  "Well, Ryan, I can't predict the future. But I will tell you that Brendon has set some very clear boundaries with you. I think if you love him and want him to be happy, you've gotta respect them." Greta hated having to tell that to Ryan - she could tell how much he loved and missed Brendon.

  Ryan looked at his lap and nodded sadly. "I know you're right," he said, "even if it's not what I want to hear. I do want him to be happy. If that's without me, then that's how it will have to be. I just wish I could tell him I'm sorry and that I understand what happened now, and that I did...well, I do but you know what I mean, love him." Ryan fidgeted with his hands for a few moments. Then he looked up suddenly. "Greta, What about this? I would like to write an apology letter to Brendon. I would make it clear that I just want to apologize because I know I was wrong and let him know it was nothing he did. Tell him I hope he's happy and doing well, and that I hope he finds someone who'll make him happy and treat him well. I can't send it to him of course, but I could give it to Jon or Spencer and tell them if they think there is a right time to pass it on they can, and if there never is, that's ok too. I think at the very least, it would be therapeutic for me.

  Greta smiled brightly at him. "Ryan, that's an excellent idea. Then you are saying what you need to say to him, while respecting his boundaries."

  Ryan gave her a weak smile back. "Good. I've needed some way to make that apology for a long time now. When we're finished here, I'm going to use my free time to work on it."

  "Well, now that you mention it," Greta said, "our time is up now."

  "Ok then!", Ryan chuckled lightly, then sniffled again. "Greta...would it be ok if...if I asked to hug you?" 

  Greta gave him her soft sweet smile and nodded. "Of course, Ryan. I am here for you." Ryan stepped forward and leaned down to give her a firm, friendly hug. She patted his back and said softly, "I'm proud of you, Ryan. I know that wasn't easy."

  Ryan straightened and stepped back. "No, it wasn't and it really hurts. But I know it needed to happen, and in an odd way, I'm so relieved to have figured out what happened."

  "Good, I'm glad for you. Good luck writing your apology. I'm sure it will help just as much if not more than you think it will."

  Ryan nodded, gave a small wave, and turned to walk out toward his room.

—-

  When Ryan sat at his desk, he took paper and pen out to begin writing his letter to Brendon. He was nervous about saying what he needed to correctly.

  "Just take a deep breath," he told himself. "You know what you need to say, what message you need to get across. Just be honest with him like he's always deserved. Then you can say you finally did the right thing."

  Ryan nodded to himself, took another deep breath, and began to write.


	8. Chapter 8

  The four Panic boys were sitting around Spencer and Brendon's kitchen table, staff paper and laptops at the ready. It was another late night of songwriting, getting together songs they were all happy with for their upcoming debut album.

  It had been really hard work, no question, but they were all totally invested in it. They would have disagreements, but nothing that ever got out of control. They were all in the same boat, in it together, and they were mature enough to realize losing it on a bandmate wasn't going to make the process any faster. 

  "Ok," Brendon sighed, "we have six songs ready to take to Pete. How many should we bring him, since we know there'll likely be about 10 on the album?"

  "I think we ought to take him 12, since he may not like a couple, or just might think some don't fit," Spencer said. 

  "I think that sounds reasonable," said Dallon. "So that puts us at halfway."

  "So, guys...I have this song...I've sorta written on my own. I wasn't trying to leave you guys out or anything. It's just that it's really personal, and it kinda came out of nowhere at me..." Brendon said bashfully.

  "That's ok, Bren. It's not like you were trying to put one over on us," said Mike.

  "Yeah, it's fine, B!" Spencer always had Brendon's back.  

  "Ok, well, I'll show you the first verse and chorus and you can be honest as to what you think about it. If you don't like it, or think it doesn't fit, I'll hold it back, and there's no hard feelings." Since it was a really personal song, Brendon was super nervous about this. 

  The other three murmured agreement, and Brendon pulled it up on his laptop: 

  When the world gets too  
  Heavy put it on my back,   
  I'll be your levy.  
  You are taking me apart  
  Like bad glue on a get-well card.

  It was always you  
  Falling for me,  
  Now there's always time  
  Calling for me.  
  I'm the light  
  Blinking at the end of the road,  
  Blink back to let me know. 

  Spencer turned to Brendon with wide eyes. "Wow, B - I gotta say, I love it. What are you calling it?"

  Brendon smiled slightly, "Always."

  "I vote yes on that," Dallon agreed. "Same," Mike said simply.

  Brendon let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Ok, great - I'm glad you guys like it." He really was relieved. The song meant a lot to him. 

  "Yeah, and now you're totally our hero," Dallon teased, "because you put us up to seven songs instead of six!" 

  Brendon laughed and gave Dallon a teasing shove. "I think this would be a good time to call it a night since we all have work tomorrow."

  "Good idea," Mike nodeed. "I'm beat. Dal, can you run me home?" Dallon nodded and the two got up and collected their stuff.

  Just then, Spencer's phone rang. He looked quickly and saw it was Ryan calling. He was really happy to hear from Ryan since it had been a couple of weeks by that point. "Hey guys, I have to go take this. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

  Mike and Dallon nodded their agreement, and Brendon started clearing off the table as Spencer headed out to the backyard to take his call in private.

  "Hey Ry!", Spencer greeted once he had answered. "I'm so glad to hear from you!"

  "Hey Spence. It's good to hear your voice too." Right away, Spencer noticed Ryan's voice sounded off, stuffy or gravelly, like he'd been crying. 

  "Are you ok, Ry? Did something happen?" Spencer was worried because Ryan didn't cry often. 

  "Oh yeah, I actually am fine. I just had a big day of making some discoveries and working through some stuff. You know, basically the whole reason I'm here," Ryan chuckled wryly. 

  "Ok," Spencer hesitated, "but that's good, right?"

  "Oh yeah, it absolutely is good, but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you find something you'd rather not be true." Ryan felt like that was an understatement if he'd ever said one. 

  Spencer proceeded cautiously. "Ok, well, do you want to share it with me or did you just want to talk about something else to sort of take your mind off of it?" 

  "No, I want to share it with you. But I'm gonna warn you up front that it's gonna make you mad. Not at me, but mad anyway. Just because...I know you."

  Spencer bit his lip at Ryan's warning. "Alright then... go ahead."

  "Well," Ryan started, "my therapist finally nudged me into talking about Bren today and working to find out why I blew everything up. Turns out, I was so afraid of him leaving because he'd finally realized that he was too good for me, that I subconsciously took matters into my own hands and sabotaged things, because I couldn't believe I was good enough to be worthy of love." Ryan cringed because he knew what was coming.

  "That's your dad's bullshit talking again!", Spencer spat angrily.

  "I know, Spence. That's the other piece of it. But I'm tired of letting that rule my life. I want to believe I'm as good as anyone else, so that's gonna be the center of what we work on for the rest of my time here in rehab. I'll probably have to keep going to therapy once I get out, but I already know the problem now, and want to change it, so I'm so much further ahead in the ballgame. And the drugs and the booze were me self-medicating, trying to forget how cruddy I was feeling about myself. I'll be honest - I haven't wanted any of that shit in weeks."

  "Well, Ry, while I'm sorry that's what happened with you, I am glad you're finally gonna kick your dad's stupid bullshit the hell out of your head!" Spencer was so relieved to hear Ryan was working on fixing that problem.

  "I am too, Spence. I'm not gonna let that ruin one more good thing in my life, ever again. But there's more," Ryan paused. 

  "Ok, great - tell me!" Spencer was thrilled Ryan was making so much progress.

  "Let me tell you this whole thing before you interrupt me, ok? I wrote an apology to Brendon. I would love nothing more than for it to get passed on to him at a good time, but if that time never comes, that's ok too. I just needed to apologize and explain myself to him, so I could say that it wasn't that I never loved him or that he did something wrong. I love him so much, Spence. I know now that I still do, but I know there's nothing I can do to turn back what happened, and I want to respect his wish of never talking to me again. I have no agenda with the apology. I'm not trying to get him back. I just want him to know that I hope he is happy and healthy and that he will find someone to love him the way he deserves." 

  Spencer was blown away. The maturity of what Ryan had just told him was amazing. It was clear Ryan had come a long way, and wasn't doing this for selfish purposes. 

  "But I don't get it Ry - you can't send it to him. There's no address for him." Spencer felt bad lying about that but he had to keep Brendon's confidence. 

  "Well...that's where I'm hoping you'd help me. I was hoping I could email it to you. I even want you to read it. Then, if you think it's appropriate, and there's a time you think would be right to email it to Bren, you would. If you think it's not ok or that there's never a right time, then don't pass it on. And don't tell me either way. As soon as I send it to you, I'm considering it over and done with."

  Spencer was surprised yet again. This was a whole new Ryan. Not even just back to his old self from the jackass he'd been when he and Brendon had broken up. He'd grown even beyond that to become an even better person. It was clear that his love for Brendon was pure and genuine. 

  "Yes, Ry. I will take the message. And I won't talk to you about it after."

  Ryan breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Oh, thanks so much Spence. That just takes a huge weight off my shoulders"

  "Hey, I said we'd be here to support you, didn't I? I can't begin to tell you how proud of you I am. You've not only gotten your old self back, you've grown beyond that. This is really selfless, Ry."

  Ryan could feel himself blushing. "Well, it's the apology he deserves, even if I can't deliver it myself. Even if he never sees it, at least I can know I issued it."

  "And that's good Ry. Listen...I don't mean to cut you off, but I have to be in the studio early tomorrow. I gotta get to bed." Spencer wished he could talk to Ryan longer.

  "That's fine, Spence. Thanks for always being there for me."

  "And I always will, Ry. Sleep well. Love you, man."

  "I love you too, Spence. Good night."

  Ryan ended the call and laid down his phone. He climbed into bed under the covers. He took a breath and settled in. He felt a peace inside that he hadn't felt in a long while, maybe even never before, and drifted off to sleep.

——  
  

  Spencer was just finishing up his session in the studio and getting ready to head home for the day when he heard the tell-tale ping from his phone indicating he had email.

  He gathered up his gear and headed out to his car to get settled in for the hour or so commute that LA traffic was getting ready to hand him. Before he started up the car and headed out, he decided to go ahead and check those messages before he forgot. 

  He scrolled through the list of emails, seeing some business he'd have to take care of later and a few advertisements mixed in, when one message in particular caught his eye: Ryan's.

  He open the message and began to read.

  Spencer,

    Thanks again for agreeing to receive this message. I will never be able to repay the love and support you, Linda, Jon and Cassie have shown me while I've been sorting my shit out. 

  Unless you decide to share this with Bren, if you could keep this between us, I'd be grateful.

  Love, 

  Ry

  Spencer saw that there was a Word document attached to the email, and he knew it was the apology for Brendon. Fuck, Spencer was so nervous to read this. Despite Ryan specifically asking him to look it over, he couldn't help feeling like he was intruding on something private. Deciding it was best if he got it over with, he opened the attachment and began to read.

 

  Dear Brendon,

    I know I am the last person you would be expecting to hear from. Believe me when I say that I know you no longer want to talk to me or see me. I have every intention of honoring that wish for you. You deserve to have your wishes respected, especially after everything I put you through. I am only writing for one reason: to tell you I am sorry.

  I am so sorry that I lied and cheated and treated you as anything less than precious. You didn't deserve one bit of that. You deserved my undivided love, attention and honesty, and it will forever be my greatest regret that I didn't give that to you in the end. I failed you and you deserved better. Actually, you deserve nothing but the best. 

   I wanted you to know that after you left, I ended up going to rehab. I don't tell you that so you'll feel sorry for me; not at all. I'm letting you know because one of the last things you said to me was that you hoped I would better myself, and I wanted you to know I am working to do just that. 

   There are a couple of other points I wanted to let you know, that I discovered while I've been here. First of all, I don't want you to ever think that I never loved you. I absolutely did. I still do, as hard as that might be to believe, but it's not relevant anymore. I just wanted to be clear that it wasn't past tense status. I also found out what caused me to behave so horribly...

   You know I struggled with how I felt about myself from my history with my dad. I figured out that I constantly felt like I was never good enough for you. Not because of anything you did, but just because of my internal feelings of inadequacy. Well, my therapist helped me discover that I subconsciously blew it all to hell because of my fears that you'd figure out you were too good for me and leave. Sounds crazy, huh? Well, we've spent a lot of time talking about my self-destructive tendencies that come from those feelings of inadequacy. And the drugs and the booze were self-medication to try to fill the hole those feeling left in me. 

   I told you all that not to make an excuse. I did what I did, and what's done is done. But now I see that pattern and we're working to fix it. I just felt you deserved to know why what happened, happened. 

   I want you to know that it is my greatest hope that you are finding happiness in your life. You deserve all good things, Bren. You are the best person I have ever known. I hope that someday, you will find someone to love and make you as happy as you will undoubtedly make them. I know before I lost my mind and threw it all away, you made me the happiest I had ever been. I hope that happens for you. You completely deserve this. 

   If you've read this far, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to apologize to you. I know I can never make it 100% right, but this is the best effort I can make given the circumstances. 

  Take care of yourself.

   Love,

    Ry

 

  Spencer let his hands and phone drop to his lap. It was then he realized tears were rolling down his cheeks. That was the most selfless thing Ryan could have ever done. He had no doubt in his mind that he would be watching and waiting for a moment where he could share that with Brendon, and hopefully Brendon would be receptive to it.

  He dried his eyes, and before he took off for home, sent Linda a text that simply said, "I love you, and I'm grateful for you every day." He didn't want to take what they had for granted, ever.


	9. Chapter 9

  Ryan walked down the Manhattan sidewalk, headed back to his apartment. It was a late March and even though Spring had officially arrived, the wind was still brisk and cold. He pulled down his hat and tightened his scarf, wishing he'd worn his heavier coat.

  Life was going really well for Ryan these days. He'd been out of rehab a little over a year, and my how things had changed in his life. As soon as he moved into Jon and Cassie's spare room for an extended stay, he got to work finding himself a job. He was able to land himself a position with a public library in good walking distance. Ryan was happy - it allowed him to work with books and the written word, while not being a high-stress job. 

  Ryan continued to go to therapy after he left rehab as well. With Greta's recommendation, he found a local therapist in the city that he trusted. Bill would never be Greta, but Ryan was happy with their work together. He couldn't believe how much stronger and healthier he felt mentally and physically versus 14 months ago. In order to protect his strengthening mental health, Ryan decided it would be best to completely cut ties with his father. It was a decision he hadn't regretted. 

  Things were going so well for Ryan that about a month ago, he received a promotion to circulation manager of the children's department. The raise in pay had finally made it so Ryan was able to afford a comfortable studio apartment near to both his work and Jon and Cassie's house. It was weird at first, living alone again, but it was so nice to have total control over his own space. To keep from getting lonely, he went over and hung out with Jon and Cassie a couple of nights a week. He had also started doing writing again, just to give himself a creative outlet. 

One thing that hadn't changed for Ryan, however, is that he was still single. He couldn't foresee that changing anytime soon, if ever. He got asked out a few times, but he just couldn't bring himself to go out on even a casual date, because he didn't want to lead anyone on. He still loved Brendon, and he knew that wasn't going to change. 

  When Ryan was about 5 minutes from home, someone rushing down the sidewalk and not paying attention knocked into him and caused him to drop his bag. As he bent to pick it up, he heard the other man say, "oh sorry, dude, my bad." When Ryan registered the voice, he practically froze in place. He looked up slowly.

  The other man looked up and caught sight of Ryan's face. A giant, smug smirk settled on his lips. "Well, well, well! If it isn't Ryan Ross? Didn't think I'd be seeing you around these parts!" Fucking Alex. 

  Ryan stared unimpressed at him and spoke, monotone and deadpan, "Oh, hello Alex. How wonderful to see you."

  Alex chuckled, "It is, isn't it? Say, you look pretty good, Ross! I take it you didn't end up homeless?"

  Ryan couldn't believe the balls on this guy. Did he always act this obnoxiously? Probably, and Ryan was too fucked up to notice. 

  "No, I didn't. I was able to work something out."

  "Well, I wasn't worried," Alex said. Yeah, I bet you weren't, Ryan thought bitterly. "Urie ever get over his little fit and come back?"

  "No, he moved on with his life, and good for him. And it wasn't a little fit - I treated him awfully and he deserves to be happy." Ryan did not want to hear Alex talking shit about Brendon. 

  "Of course he does," Alex said flippantly. "Listen, I was just headed to this club to check out a hot new band, and see what I could score for the night. You wanna come along, baby?"

  Ryan nearly came unglued right then. He could not believe Alex would have the nerve to ask him to hang out and get high. If he let him talk long enough, Alex would probably ask for a fuck too. Never again.

  "First of all," Ryan seethed, "I'm not your baby. You gave up the right to ever call me that when you refused to help me. Secondly, no, I don't want to go to a club and use with you. I quit the drugs and the booze because it wasn't doing my life any good. And third, I'll be moving along now because if I don't, the urge to punch you in the fucking face is gonna get too strong to resist." 

  Without waiting for a reply, Ryan turned on his heel and continued heading toward his apartment. He could hear Alex yelling, "Oh come on! Lighten up!", as he walked away. Not a chance. Ryan hoped he'd be lucky enough to never see Alex ever again. He was just proud that he'd been able to control himself enough to not hit the bastard. 

  Ryan climbed the stairs to his 3rd floor walkup when he reached his building. He headed in and dropped his stuff on the kitchen table, plopping down on his loveseat. He decided to come down from that ridiculous encounter by watching some TV. 

  As he flipped through the channels, he paused on MTV briefly as some music news flashed by. He heard the correspondent mentioning something about a new band called Panic! At The Disco gearing up to go on their first national headlining tour. He felt like he'd heard about them a few times recently. He thought maybe he'd ask Spencer what he knew about them the next time they talked, since Spencer was in the music business. The station went to commercial, so Ryan kept channel surfing. 

  He finally found some interesting show about the Amazon Rainforest on National Geographic, so he lay down to watch. However, he was so comfortable and peaceful, it didn't take long for sleep to overcome him.

 

——

 

  "Ok, boys," Pete said, "we've finally got all the arrangements made for the national tour. We'll start here on the West Coast at the beginning of May, and we're finishing out around mid-June in New York City with 2 shows there. We're playing Radio City Music Hall!" Pete was clearly pleased with the band's tour plans. Actually, Pete was just pleased with the band all around. They were all great guys, and maintained their professionalism while still having fun. 

  "Oh, sweet, Spence! We can arrange a visit with Jon and Cassie!" Brendon was clearly excited by the prospect of seeing his dear friends. 

  "Yeah, that'll be awesome!" Spencer also thought to himself, yeah and there's someone else I need to visit while I'm in town as well. 

"Now guys, I need to prepare you for something," Pete advised. "We will do a lot of press ahead of this tour. Your smaller regional tours and radio play has gotten you some good notoriety, but once we do the PR for this and the tour actually begins, it's going to explode. Your names and faces will be everywhere. We'll be bringing Zack on the road with us to manage security and help buffer you from the crowds."

  "I think we can handle it," Dallon assured. "We'll see them at meet and greets and be friendly at other times, but I know we won't get caught up with it."

  "I agree," Mike said. "I think we're all big enough boys to handle it," he teased. 

Pete chuckled. "Ok, ok...I just wanted to make you all aware. You guys get some rest, ok? We start interviews in two days."

  The four boys left the office and began to head out for home. Brendon and Spencer sat themselves inside the car. Spencer, though, kept looking at Brendon. He seemed to go pale as soon as Pete gave his warning. "Bren, what's wrong? You look worried."

  Brendon turned to him with a solemn expression. "I was just thinking about what Pete said..."

  "Bren, we'll be fine. Zack is great at keeping us safe." Spencer didn't understand why he was so worried.

  "No, Spence...I just..never thought this far ahead...about Ryan. He'll be able to see me out there, know where I am. I'm a little afraid he might try to come to a show and talk to me and that is the last thing I want."

  Spencer sighed and bit his lip. He knew Ryan was no longer the asshole that Brendon last remembered, and that Ryan would respect Brendon's wishes and stay away. On the other hand, though, Spencer thought Ryan deserved the chance to redeem himself. He knew it was finally time to share the letter with Brendon.

  "Bren, are we gonna talk about him? Because I have some stuff I can tell you that will ease your worries, or I can keep it to myself and continue to honor your wishes of keeping him out of your life completely. It's totally up to you." Spencer didn't want to force into talking about Ryan in Brendon.

  Brendon looked at Spencer with wide, curious eyes. "What kind of stuff can you tell me? I trust you, Spencer."

  Spencer took a deep breath then launched into it. "Well...for starters, Ryan isn't at all that dick you remember from when you broke up anymore. In fact, he is kinder, more balanced, and more at home in his own skin than he has ever been. He went and got help...I mean, a lot of help. He went to rehab, Bren, about week after you left. And when he got out, he kept going to therapy, and still does."

  Brendon's eyebrows rose high and his mouth gaped open. "Oh my God, that's amazing! And he's doing well, then?"

  This was exactly the kind of reaction Spencer had been hoping for from Brendon. "He's doing so well, Bren. When he got out, he got a job at a library and stayed with Jon and Cassie until he could get on his feet. It wasn't them hiding that from you; they just knew you didn't want to talk about him. He's done so well there that he got promoted recently and was able move out into a studio of his own. And he's stopped believing all those shitty things his dad told him about himself."

  Brendon smiled softly. "That is so great, Spence. You know, I've never wished bad on him. In fact, I'm really excited that he's doing so well. He just hurt me so badly that I had to get him out of my life. I guess it's been long enough now that it doesn't hurt as much to talk about him. I mean, I can't complain about how my life is going now!"

  Spencer paused before he asked the next, loaded question. "Bren...do you miss him?"

  Brendon sighed and looked at his lap, but then looked up at Spencer and nodded. "Yeah, all the time. Him hurting me didn't stop me instantly from loving him. I'll always care about him, and probably always love him, at least on some level."

  Spencer smiled at Brendon. "That sounds just like you, B. Well...since you've been ok with this conversation, I have something else about Ryan to share with you, something big."

  Brendon appeared hesitant, but said, "Ok, what is it?

  "Bren, he wrote you a letter. You need to know, he wrote it just over a year ago, when he was in rehab. It's an apology. He sent it to me and asked me to check it to make sure it was ok and he wasn't out of line. Let me tell you Bren, it's more than ok. He asked me to hold it back to give to you at a time I thought was appropriate because he didn't want to intrude on your life anymore, and I feel like now is the time. He even said if there was never a good time to give it to you, that it was ok. But be clear: this isn't him finding out about the band and trying to get you back. This was him issuing the apology he felt he owed to you and was done before we even recorded the album. Hell, he still doesn't even know I'm in the band, that I know of."

  Brendon's eyes were wide and surprised again. "Wow...a whole year old??"

  "Yeah, it is. I wish I could have given it to you earlier, but it never seemed like the right time until now," Spencer said.

  "I understand," Brendon assured. "Where is letter now?" 

  "I only have it electronically in my email. I can forward it to you so you can read it in private if you like?" Spencer hoped Brendon accepted.

  Brendon was quiet a few moments. "Yes...I think I'd like that. If he felt like apologizing to me, I think it's best that I see what he had to say." 

  "I think so too, Bren. I don't think you'll regret it."

  Brendon smiled slightly. "Ok, let's get home.  
You can forward it to me once we are there."

  Spencer beamed at Brendon. "Will do, my friend. I bet Linda will have some dinner ready. She knew what time to expect us." They buckled into their seatbelts, and headed off for the house. 

—-

  When Spencer and Brendon arrived home,  
Linda had indeed made some dinner: a pasta and chicken dish that smelled amazing, and tasted even better. The three sat and lingered over their meal, laughing together and just enjoying each other's company.

  Once Brendon and Spencer finished cleaning up (since Linda cooked), Spencer approached Brendon. "I'm going to forward you that message from Ryan now. Read it when you think you are ready. If you want to talk about it, I'm always here."

  Brendon watched as Spencer walked into the living room and settled on the couch with Linda to watch a movie. He couldn't possibly imagine what could be in this letter, that he'd need to talk afterward? He felt pretty puzzled over that. 

  Brendon decided to give the couple some alone time, so he headed into his room and got comfortable with his laptop. He went on his social media accounts and checked to see if anything interesting was going on there; there really wasn't. As he was closing up Instagram, he heard the ping that meant he had new email. Ok, here I go... he thought. 

  He pulled up the email Spencer had sent him. He could see the body of the message and the short note Ryan had written to Spencer. Spencer hadn't been kidding: the date stamp on the email was February of the previous year. Being late March now, it was around 13 months ago.

  He kept scrolling until he found the attached Word document and pulled it up. He took a deep breath to steady himself before he began reading. He couldn't believe he'd reached a point where he was willingly allowing communication from Ryan again. He never thought he'd actually be in a place emotionally where he could handle it. 

  He began to read. As he did, his brows lifted, leaving him wide-eyed, and his hand rose to cover his mouth. This was from Ryan? Ryan had been a much kinder person when they met than he was when they ended, but never as sweet as this! He couldn't get over the self-awareness and humbleness this letter exhibited. He felt his chest ache with bittersweetness as he realized the level of love and selflessness it took to write this letter.

  Once he finished it, he couldn't help rereading it two more times, instantly. He felt warm fondness in his heart, and realized his eyes were brimming with tears. It was like reading that letter was a healing experience for Brendon.

  Brendon gently set his laptop aside. He grabbed a tissue to wipe the tears from his eyes. He opened his bedroom door and slowly walked down the hall to the entrance to the living room, and just stood there.

  Spencer and Linda both looked up and took him in. Instantly, Spencer could tell Brendon had read the letter. He turned to Linda and quietly said, "I need to go, babe." Linda nodded fervently in agreement. 

  Spencer rose and headed to the back door, indicating to Brendon with a tilt of his head to come to the back yard. Wordlessly, Brendon followed him out to the fire pit and settled in a chair while Spencer got a fire started.

  Once Spencer had the fire going, he sat down in the chair next to Brendon and looked up at him. "You ok, Bren?"

  Brendon slowly met his gaze, and just as slowly nodded his head. "Yeah, I am...I'm just...stunned." He couldn't come up with another word for it.

  "What has you stunned exactly?", Spencer asked. "That he apologized?"

  "No, that part I can believe. That's behavior consistent with how he would have acted when we were happy together. Just...it's how selfless and sweet that was. I know that's from Ryan, I can just tell by how it's written, but...I still just can't believe it's him." Brendon was struggling to describe what he meant. 

  "I think I get what you mean," Spencer said. "He's grown so much personally, Bren. I am so proud of him. He's gotten his life together so much, and is mentally and physically the healthiest he's ever been since I've known him. He even got strong enough to cut his dad out of his life. Said he knew all keeping that relationship was doing was draining him and dragging him down." 

  "Oh, thank God!" Brendon exclaimed. "I had begged him to do that more than once. I could see the toll George took on him. I'm so glad he finally realized it too."

  "I know. It's just that, and the letter, and just everything he's done in the past 13-14 months. Once you left like that, it hit home for him that he was fucking up his life," Spencer explained.

  "Well, I have to admit...I assumed he'd just go shack up with Alex," Brendon scowled. 

  "Uh, no. That fell apart pretty spectacularly the same day you last spoke to him. Alex showed his true colors immediately and wouldn't let Ryan stay with him. Basically said he only wanted a party buddy to fuck and get high with. And Ryan basically told him to go fuck himself."

  "Huh," Brendon snorted. "Big shocker that Alex turned out to be a selfish prick. You know I'm not gonna feel sorry for Ryan with that."

  "No, and I know he wouldn't want you to. He ended up staying with Jon and Cassie before and after he went to rehab. The rehab was their idea at first, but once he talked it over with Jon, he agreed it was the best thing for him. I think the whole transformation just kicked off with him being completely humbled the day he realized you left. And he couldn't let himself think about whether he still loved you or not for the longest time, even in rehab, until his therapist drew it out of him, saying he had to deal with it. Once he finally started dealing with it, he realized all those things in the letter including that he still loved you. But now he just wants you to be happy, even if it's not with him."

  "Yeah, I could tell that from the letter," Brendon agreed."That's the part that blew me away...how selfless he is now. He would have never been like that before. Spence, I have to tell you...I forgive him."

  Spencer was blown away; he had not expected that. "Oh my God, really Bren? You don't owe him that, you know? He didn't send you that because he expected that from you. He sent you that because he felt strongly that he owed at least that apology was to you."

  Brendon shook his head. "No, I know I don't owe that to him, but it's what I feel. First, I mean, it helps me let go of all my bad feelings over it. But also, he has done every single thing I can think of that he could do to try to make it right that didn't violate my wishes of not seeing or talking to him again. Although...I gotta say...I actually do want to communicate with him now. Maybe...maybe not by phone or in person, but maybe writing him an email?"

  Spencer grinned over at Brendon. "B, he'd be thrilled with anything you give him. Are you gonna let him know where you are? And about the band?"

  "Yeah, I'm ok with all that now. I may not let him know everything right away, I'm not sure, but I feel like he's trustworthy enough now to handle it. And believe me: I never thought I'd trust him in any way again." Brendon sent Spencer his own grin back.

  "Well, I'll tell you - I'm thrilled. Maybe selfishly because it's so much easier for me not having to constantly remember what I can and can't say to him!" Spencer chuckled.

  Brendon laughed right back. "Yeah, I'm sorry that's how it had to be. I just couldn't..."

  "No, no, B. Don't feel bad about that. I didn't mind. It'll just be easier from now on. Once you send your message, you should let Jon know he doesn't have to keep secrets anymore either."

  "Ok, will do. I'm gonna head in now, though. I'm wiped out. I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed." Brendon said.

  "Yeah, I can understand why you would be. I'm gonna go finish my movie with my honey." Spencer winked and grinned.

  "Ok, you nerd!" Brendon laughed as they headed in.

  As Brendon headed in to get his pajamas and start his shower, he felt a warm feeling in his heart. This was the most hope and peace he had felt in over a year and a half.


	10. Chapter 10

Ryan woke up all on his own the next morning, sunlight filtering in through the curtains. It was a Saturday, and Ryan was really looking forward to the day. He had plans to go to lunch with Jon, then they would meet up with Cassie at the park with their dog, Brooklyn. As New Yorkers, they had thought it was a pretty funny name. Ryan loved Brooklyn: she was a yellow lab, and loved having her ears and belly scratched. Ryan was happy to supply her, as he just loved dogs in general. 

He looked at the time and saw it was around 10, and he wasn't meeting Jon for lunch until around 1. He decided to just putter around the apartment and relax until he had to take a shower and get ready. He needed to do laundry, a little cleaning and pick up a few groceries, but he could take care of all that on Sunday before returning to work on Monday. He really relished his newly calm life and predictable schedule. It was so comforting after the volatility his life had before he went to rehab. 

He turned on the TV and flipped until he found some old cartoons. He still enjoyed those once in a while so he left them on while he made some toast and coffee. He sat down at his kitchen table, and plugged in his laptop. He surfed around on the Internet aimlessly while he at his light breakfast, looking at random interesting videos and memes here and there, and right before he was going to get off his computer, he thought he better check his email. He was scrolling through his list of a few messages, seeing nothing special, until a strange sender's address caught his eye: bbumusic@/jmail.net. The "bbu" part caused him to jolt upright; he knew immediately that those were Brendon's initials. But it definitely wasn't an email address he recognized. He really hoped someone wasn't playing a cruel joke on him.

He began to read the body of the message. Pretty quickly, he could tell this message was no trick.

Hello Ryan,

I know you aren't expecting to hear from me, but this is Bren. To be honest, until last night, I was expecting to never contact you again. But something amazing happened to me yesterday: Spencer shared your apology letter with me. I can't believe he had it for over a year, but he really did wait until the time was right to share it with me. I'm not sure I could have handled having it much sooner. Or that I would have been willing to read it before now.

Your apology meant so much to me. THANK YOU for issuing it. That was really healing for me to read. That was the most selfless thing I've ever known you to do. I also want you to know I am so happy you are doing so much better, and so incredibly proud you got help for yourself. Spencer told me how much you've healed and grown and I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, both for you and me personally. 

I have to say, the fact that you've respected my wishes and haven't tried to reach out to me in any other way, along with the meaningful letter, has restored some of my trust in you. I feel like it's safe now to share some personal info with you. I am out in LA, and currently am living with Spencer. I am sorry to put you both in the position where he couldn't share that with you, but I just couldn't risk it after everything, and it seems like from your letter you will understand. Just don't be mad at him. He was trying to be a good friend to both of us at the same time. 

Also, he hasn't shared something else with you, per my request: we are both in a band, and we're had some pretty decent success. We got signed by Pete Wentz - yes, of Fall Out Boy! We made an album and have done a couple of West Coast tours. We're getting ready to go on our first big national tour. So you will likely hear about us soon if you follow music news. Our band is called Panic! At The Disco. I had him not share that with you sooner for the same reasons as all the other stuff. I didn't know yet that I was going to be able to trust you but it's clear now that I can. 

There's one last thing I want you to know that has come from your letter to me: I forgive you. I won't be able to forget what happened for a long time, but I don't hold it against you any longer. You found the problem and worked to fix it. What kind of a person would I be if I continued to hold something against you that came from a problem you couldn't help? Once you knew you had the problem, you worked on it. That's all anyone can do, Ryan, and you are so strong for doing that. I just have to say again how proud I am of you. 

I should sign off this message - we have press all day today for the upcoming tour. Maybe we can send each other messages periodically? I'd be up for that level of communication now. I would at least like for us to be friends again.

Take care of yourself, and give Jon and Cassie my best. 

Love,

Bren

Ryan couldn't believe it. He never thought he'd ever hear from Brendon ever again. He'd put the apology letter out of his head the best he could, in case the day never came for Spencer to give it to him. He couldn't believe it had finally happened or that Brendon had had such a reaction to it. Not only that: he got in touch with Ryan less than 24 hours later! Boy, Spencer had really judged the timing on that well. 

Ryan was so happy and overwhelmed all at once. He had a huge smile on his face, and happy tears in his eyes. Here he was, 14 months later, potentially getting to be friends again with the love of his life, when he thought up until now that he'd never have any sort of contact ever again. 

And then it dawned on him: Panic! At The Disco. Holy shit, they were talking about them on MTV just last night. Ryan quickly pulled up his web browser and did a quick internet search for them. The number of results were staggering. He first went to a couple of message boards to see what the buzz was around them. He drew 2 main conclusions from those entries. First, people were raving about the music, and especially Brendon's voice. That part didn't surprise him: he'd always thought Brendon's voice was amazing. The second thing? Girls and guys alike thought Brendon was hot. Ryan wasn't a bit surprised by that either. Brendon had always been gorgeous. He was just one of the lucky ones to know that Brendon was just as gorgeous inside as he was out. 

Then he went to the band's official website and pulled it up. Wow...the way they had Brendon styled in those professional photos made him look his absolute best. He was smouldering right there on his computer screen. Ryan felt that familiar run of butterflies in his belly at seeing Brendon after so long, even just in picture. The man he loved, had really made it. God, he was so happy for him. No one deserved it more. And then besides Spencer, there were the two other guys he didn't recognize, Dallon the bassist and Mike the lead guitarist, that they must have met out in LA. 

He saw the name of their album that was in stores now, Vices & Virtues. He decided to go on iTunes and download It once he was done looking at their site. Then he went and pulled up the page about their tour. Of course they were coming to New York, but holy shit, they were playing Radio City! They must have already had a good level of success if they were able to book that venue for two shows! He saw that they'd be in New York in mid-June. 

Well, he knew he was nowhere near thinking about going to a show yet: no way was he gonna violate Brendon's trust and just show up to a show without his permission. He wouldn't even do it sitting way back in the crowd where Bren wouldn't know he was there. He just would never willingly or knowingly violate his trust again. If they were getting along particularly well, maybe closer to the date he'd ask Brendon if he minded Ryan being in the audience. And if Brendon said no, he absolutely would not go. 

He went to iTunes and plugged in his phone so he'd have plenty of power to download the album, and set the download running. He saw it was time to get ready, so he headed off to the shower before he had to go meet Jon. He had a spring in his step, a lightness in his heart and a smile on his face he hadn't seen the likes of in at least a couple of years.

—-

Jon walked into the deli where he and Ryan were meeting for lunch. Though Cassie didn't get it, Ryan and Jon were crazy about big, amazing deli sandwiches. And living in New York, they had their pick of some of the best available.

He spotted Ryan already sitting in a booth waiting for him. His eyebrows rose in surprise because Ryan never beat Jon to wherever they were meeting. Then Jon caught sight of Ryan's face - he was grinning from ear to ear. He also looked so excited that Jon thought he might vibrate right out of his seat. Jon's curiosity was instantly piqued.

"Well, happy Saturday to you too, Ry!" Jon laughed. "You look to be in such a good mood I can only conclude you won the lottery!" 

Ryan grinned even harder. "Nope...better."

Jon chuckled again. "Damn, this must be good then! Well shit, dude, don't keep me in suspense...what's going on?"

Ryan said quietly, "You will never believe who I heard from."

Jon sat for a minute trying to think. It obviously wasn't Ryan's dad because he wouldn't be happy about that. Jon was totally drawing a blank. "Dude, I have no idea - tell me!"

Ryan pauses a moment. "I heard from Brendon"

Jon's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Are you fucking serious? When? How? Tell me all about it!"

"Well, last year when I was in rehab, I wrote him a pretty extensive apology letter. I explained about getting help and discovering why I did the things I did. Long story short, I REALLY apologized and told him I just wanted him to be healthy and happy and hoped he'd find someone to treat him like he deserves. I emailed it to Spence to have him read it and make sure it was ok, that I wasn't having any wrong attitude there. I told him to hold it until he thought the time was right to give it to Bren, and if there never was a time, then that was ok too. I did this last February, like last year while I was still at rehab. Spencer apparently could read the situation perfectly. He forwarded Brendon the letter last night, and this morning I got the nicest email from Brendon. He told me about the band, Jon, which I assume you know about. But best of all? Brendon said he forgives me. Can you even believe that? I never dreamt that could ever happen."

Jon ran his hand through his hair. He was just blown away, and his expression showed it. "Oh my God, Ry. I am so happy for you!"

"I know, me too. He said he'd like to keep in touch over email, which is just fine by me and that hopefully we could be at least friends. I'll pull it up on my phone and let you see everything before the day is over. But he said they're getting ready to tour. They'll be in NYC in June so I'm sure they'll want to see you! I'll for sure work it out to see Spencer."

"Are you gonna try to go to their show?" Jon asked.

"Not unless Brendon says he wants me there. He may still not be comfortable seeing me and I intend to continue to respect his wishes and I won't break his trust."

"Wow, Ry, I am proud of you for that. I know that must be hard," Jon sympathised.

"Yeah it is, but not as hard as not having him in my life at all. I will take anything he is willing to offer at this point, because he owes me nothing. Say, have you listened to their album?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, I have, and it is impressive. Bren sounds amazing."

"Well, I downloaded it this morning while I was in the shower. I'm gonna spend some time with it this evening. Jon, this is just the best thing to happen since Bren left." Ryan was so clearly thrilled, that Jon couldn't help being thrilled for him. 

"Well, I'm obviously super happy for you Ryan. You've really turned it around and it's wonderful that Bren's recognising that. Hey, dude, but I'm starving! We need to eat so we're not late to meet Cass!"

"Ok, man. You know you don't have to tell me twice to eat!" Ryan laughed.

—-

Ryan had been home from the park for about an hour, and had managed to bring home some  
Chinese takeout with him for dinner. As he got ready to sit down with his food, he remembered he wanted to listen to the Panic album, so he put his iPhone in its speaker dock and began to listen. 

As he listened through the songs, he couldn't help the pride that welled in him at how amazing Brendon sounded. Ryan knew for a long time that music is what Brendon was just born to do, and this was the perfect representation of that. He found he was enjoying all the songs, but when he landed on the song "Always", the song Ryan didn't know Brendon had written alone and was very personal for him, he really felt that one resonate with him. For whatever reason, when he heard that song, he just felt a connection with Brendon. 

As the song ended, Ryan felt a tear spill over. He wasn't sad, really; his heart just felt really full at hearing that song. Now that he had reconnected with Brendon again even just a little, he definitely could feel just how much he missed him all over again. It was then that Ryan realized he had never written Brendon back! 

Once Ryan was finished eating, he got his laptop out, and settled down on the couch to write to Brendon. He was nervous about what to say, like when he wrote his apology letter, but told himself again to just be honest and sincere and the words would come. So he began to write...

Dear Bren,

Thank you for writing me. I was so thrilled to hear from you. I know you are busy these days, so the fact that you took some of your free time to write me meant the world to me. 

I am glad you finally got to read my apology. I meant and still mean every word. And I can't tell you what it meant for you to say you'd forgiven me. I never thought that would ever happen, and certainly would have never expected that. You certainly didn't owe me that. But I will accept it and cherish it nonetheless. I will also do everything in my power to make sure you're never sorry you gave me that forgiveness. I will keep and uphold every bit of trust you ever see fit to put in me. 

I cannot begin to say how excited I am for you and Spencer for the band! You guys are so talented and hard-working, and totally deserve it. I bet meeting and getting to know Pete Wentz has been cool! What are the other two guys like? If you and Spencer have been able to work with them to have this level of success, I bet they are great and talented guys. 

I really hope your tour goes well and you love the experience. I know it will be busy and fast and tiring but if anyone can handle that, you can. I've never met anyone with as much energy as you have. It just really seems like you were born for this. 

And just to put your mind at ease: I would never be mad at Spencer or Jon for keeping information in confidence for you. I completely understand why things were that way. I am happy that you landed somewhere you already had a support system, though. I'm sure they were a great help when you got out there.

I will let you go since I know how busy you are right now, but I really wanted to get back to you and say how much I enjoyed and appreciated your note. Write back when/if you have time. Take care of you. 

Love, 

Ry

Ryan was happy that he could have back and forth communication with Brendon. It was just such a happy day for him. Ryan would never take a single message from Brendon for granted. 

Ryan his send on his email. He laughed out loud at himself because he knew that from now on, he'd be watching his email like a hawk. Oh well, he thought. Any messages from Brendon would be among his greatest treasures.

That reminded Ryan of something. He walked over to a little keepsake box on his dresser. He reached in and pulled out Brendon's lucky pick. He had forgotten he still had it. Someday, he thought, maybe I'll have a chance to give this back in person. 

Ryan knew that was getting way ahead of himself here. But he had so much hope in his heart now. He knew if it depended on anything he did, one day, that wish would come true.


	11. Chapter 11

  Time passed quickly, as it always seems to do when you're a grown-up with adult responsibilities. Days turned to weeks, and it was now late May. Ryan loved seeing the green grass and trees, witnessing the sunlight grow longer each day, and even more that it was getting warm enough to open his windows and let fresh air sweep through his apartment. 

  But what Ryan really loved these days was his communication with Brendon. Gone were the more formal exchanges they'd had when they first started writing again. It was casual, comfortable and warm, like it had been back when they were together and happy. Ryan appreciated his messages with Brendon more than anything else in his life right now. It got to the point where they were emailing each other basically on a daily basis. Brendon would talk about the tour and where they currently were, and Ryan would tell Brendon anything interesting that happened at work, or the things he did with Jon and Cassie. It was the happiest Ryan had been in at least two years. 

  One day, out of the blue, he got a call from Spencer. He looked down at his phone, and was surprised to be hearing from Spencer mid-morning on a Sunday. He was sure Spencer would still be asleep, since their schedule with shows often kept them up really late. He pressed accept on his phone, and said, "Hey Spence! Good to hear from you! I didn't think you'd be up yet!" 

  Spencer chuckled, "Hey Ry. Well, we actually turned in at a reasonable hour last night, since we had bus call and had to hit the road. We're in Chicago today and tomorrow for two shows, and we came from Detroit so it wasn't a ridiculous drive."

  Ryan nodded, then felt silly since Spencer couldn't see it. "Well, that's good. So what's new?"

  "Well, same old, same old with us. Tour is kinda like that. Go to one city, sound check, perform, rinse, repeat. Throw the occasional hotel night in there to break it up. No...I really called because...I wanna talk about Bren."

  Ryan was surprised, but was ok with it. "Ok, we can do that. Is he alright?"

  "Oh he's fine, don't worry!" Spencer said. "I just...I'm guessing you guys have been talking a lot over email?"

  Ryan wondered what that had to do with anything. "Uh yeah. It was like a couple of times a week at first, but I guess now we're talking like every day. Why...is that bad?"

  Spencer chuckled, "Oh no, I didn't mean anything like that. It's just...well...he is talking about you constantly. 'Ryan this' and 'Ryan that' and 'Ryan said'. It's actually adorable. Dallon and Mike are joking about killing him in his sleep the next time he says your name."

  Ryan felt his heart flutter and the blush rush deeply to his face. "Wow...um...that's nice!" Ryan's voice was a little squeaky. He didn't know what to say to Spencer and the information got his hopes up even though he didn't want it to.

  "Ry, I just...as an observer, I think he's still in love with you. Not just loves you like a friend, but is like head over heels in love with you." Spencer knew Ryan wanted that more than anything, and he himself was so sure of it, that he wanted to give Ryan hope. 

  But Ryan was hesitant. "Yeah but...did he say that to you Spence?" He was just too afraid to let himself go there.

  "No," Spencer admitted, "he hasn't. He completely acts like it, but he hasn't. Just like you, I think he's afraid."

  "Well, I mean as much as I'd like him to trust me, I can understand why he would be," Ryan said. "I did a number on him, dude. I was a total fucking asshole."

  Spencer was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, you were Ry, but...when are you gonna forgive yourself  for that?"

  Ryan wasn't expecting that question. "What do you mean, Spence?"

  "It's just, you're a different person now Ry. I know and you know and even Brendon knows that you would never purposely do anything to hurt him ever again. You have to forgive yourself and leave that past behind if you and Bren are ever gonna move on to whatever you all are going to be."

  Ryan thought carefully for a moment about what Spencer was saying. "You know Spence, I never looked at it that way. I'd love nothing more than to let the past go, move ahead with Bren, and honestly what I want more than anything is to have him back. But I can't be the one to push that. He would have to let me know he wanted it."

  "Oh, I have a feeling he will, Ry. And you letting that past fade away so he can will help that happen."

  Ryan saw his point. "Ok, dude. I'll do my best with that."

  "Good," Spencer said. "Now, remember, regardless of what's going on with anyone else, we have to meet up when we get to NYC." 

"Of course. You think I'd let you come through town without seeing me?", Ryan teased.

  "Of course not," Spencer laughed. "Who else in New York is gonna give me hell about every little thing?"

  "And don't you forget it!" Ryan said. "Take care, man. I can't wait to see you."

  "You too, Ry. Later."

  After he hung up, Ryan thought a lot about what Spencer had said, and decided he was right. Ryan was going to let going of blaming himself. Anything that would help progress things between him and Brendon was exactly what he wanted to do. 

—-

  It was about 3:30 Monday morning, and Ryan's phone rang. He was deep asleep, having to go to work on Monday, but the phone finally managed to stir him. He threw his glasses on and looked at his phone the best he could. He didn't have the contact in his phone, or recognize the number, but the phone said the number was out of Los Angeles. 

  "Hello?" Ryan answered groggily.

  "Ry-Ryan?" The voice on the other end was sniffling and crying.

  It only took Ryan's brain about a second to wake up. "Brendon? Bren, is that you!?"

  "Y-yeah, it i-is," Brendon stuttered and then started crying harder. 

  "Bren, what's wrong? Are you ok?" Ryan was really worried. This was the first time he had talked to Brendon in a year and a half. If Brendon was calling him in the middle of the night crying, something must be really wrong. 

  "W-well, I am ok. I'm j-just scared...shook up."

  Ryan felt a little sick to his stomach. But he wanted to calm Brendon down, to soothe him. So he spoke as calmingly as he could. "Well, I'm glad you're ok, Bren. Wanna tell me what happened?"

  "It was awful, Ry!", Brendon cried. "There was this guy at the show tonight, front row, and he just kept...leering at me. Not like that never happens, but he just gave me the creepiest vibe. Then he started yelling really inappropriate shit to me between songs. I wasn't acknowledging it, so he kept getting more aggressive, until eventually the show was over. So then we headed backstage and I was relieved to not have to deal with him anymore. Well, he managed to get backstage, all the way back to the dressing rooms. Turns out, one of the security people at the venue was his buddy and they let him slip back. We had 2 to a dressing room tonight instead of 4 and I was sharing with Spencer. He had first shower, and I was gross from the show so I just got down to my boxers, waiting for my turn. He found our dressing room and just came right in, and started trying to...well, basically proposition me." Brendon took a big shuddering sniffle as he tried to catch his breath

  Ryan felt ugly, hot rage filling him. He did not like where this story was headed. "It's ok, B; I'm here. Can you finish?"

  "Uh-huh. Well, of course I told him that I wasn't interested and that he needed to leave. Then he called me a tease, said I was too sexy up on that stage for my own good. And he...he tried to force himself on me, Ryan!" Now Brendon broke down absolutely sobbing.

  That was how Ryan had been afraid that story was going to go. It made him angry and sick to think of someone treating anyone that way, but especially Brendon. "But you said you're ok, right Bren? You got away somehow?"

  "I got lucky, is what, Ryan. Just a few seconds later, Spencer came out from his shower. He punched him in the face, hard, two or three times. By then both of us were shouting, and Zack, Dallon and Mike came running. I don't even want to know what Zack did to the guy. But I felt so helpless, Ryan. I couldn't even shout because he had his hand clamped over my mouth and he was so much bigger than me."

  It was clear that Brendon was totally freaked out, despite the worst not coming to pass. Ryan's heart hurt over Brendon's sheer terror and the fact that he was so far away and couldn't be there to help.

  "Listen, B: I know that was scary. Anyone in their right mind would have been freaked out by being in that situation. Just remember that you are safe, and it didn't actually happen. I know it was a close call, too close, but now you all know, and Zack can work with Pete to close up holes in the security procedures so nothing like that ever happens again. I hope they fire that dumb son of a bitch from the venue too!"

  Brendon chuckled through his tears, which Ryan took as a win. "Yeah, I think the point at which Pete was going to threaten to sue them over it will ensure that happens. And the cops came and got the guy, I do know that."

  Ryan said, "Good. It sounds like Pete and Zack are on top of handling this as good as can be done. And that Spencer Smith is always a handy guy to have around, is he not?

  Now Brendon's laughter sounded more genuine and the crying had stopped. "He sure is. But the reason I called...I was just so shook up. I...I needed to hear your voice, Ry. You always used to calm me down when I was upset, and it seems you still do. That and...I miss you."

  Ryan had to work at keeping his head together, because never had he been so glad to hear words in his whole life. "Oh Bren...honey, I miss you so much. It is so nice hearing your voice."

  "So you don't mind that I called without any warning?"

  "Of course not!", Ryan assured. "I am here for you at all times, whether it's email, text, phone call, whatever. You should never hesitate to get in touch with me!"

  Ryan could hear the smile in Brendon's voice as he said bashfully, "Ok, thank you Ry."

"Don't mention it, B. You doing better?"

"Much - thank you. Spencer tried to settle me, and he helped a little, but no one has ever been as good at it as you."

  Ryan felt warmth spread all throughout him. He hated the cause, but was glad Brendon knew he could lean on him whenever he needed to.

  "Listen, Ry, I'm gonna try to sleep now. I finally feel so exhausted instead of shaky and nervous. This number is my cell number. Put it in your phone. I plan to text and call you more now than email, ok?"

  "Ok, B. That sounds good. Sleep well, but call again if you need to, ok?" Ryan was completely serious.

  "Ok, Ry. Thank you again. Good night."

  After Ryan sat his phone down, he still just couldn't believe Brendon had needed him. He still completely hated the reason that prompted it, but was so glad that Brendon felt comfortable enough to come to him for help.

  I'm here, B, Ryan thought to himself, for anything you ever need. Ryan lay down and drifted back to sleep with his love for Brendon warming him all the way through


	12. Chapter 12

Tour seemed to continue to fly for Brendon, Spencer and everyone else involved with the band. They were down to only a week left, which meant in four more days, they'd be rolling into NYC. Brendon was excited but nervous, an unknown anxiety filling his belly.

After Brendon's scary near-assault experience, he and Ryan started texting and talking on the phone daily. Brendon couldn't get over the comfort and familiarity that talking to Ryan again brought. Ryan's voice was always soothing and relaxing to him, and things just made more sense in his life when he got to share them with Ryan. Ryan just felt like home. He quickly grew to feel like he needed to talk to Ryan every day. and true to his word, it didn't matter what time it was or where Ryan was at: communication from Brendon was always welcome. 

Spencer being Spencer, observed all this over the weeks quietly from the sidelines. He knew Brendon was in love with Ryan again (had he ever really not been in the first place?) but hadn't come to the point where his brain and heart had connected on it yet. Ryan on the other hand, Spencer knew, couldn't be more clear on what he was feeling, but he was being patient with Brendon, trying to give him whatever time and space he needed to figure it out.

Except as always, time isn't infinite, and they were growing ever closer to arriving in New York. Even though he wasn't saying it, Spencer could sense that Ryan felt anxious and slightly hurt that Brendon hadn't talked to him about whether they'd actually see each other when the band arrived in town or not. He knew Ryan wanted that more than anything but that he'd never push the issue or impose himself on Brendon.

That's when Spencer decided to intervene, because time was going to run out, and frankly,  
Spencer couldn't bear to see the two apart any longer. They now were not only good together, they belonged together.

—-

That night after their show, they had a reasonably early bus call so they could head out from Boston to Philadelphia, their next to last stop on the tour. Spencer quietly tipped off Dallon and Mike that he wanted to have a private, personal chat with Brendon, so they stayed to the back lounge of the bus so Spencer could have privacy with Brendon in the front.

As Spencer anticipated, after they'd been rolling a few minutes and he'd gotten his things settled back around his bunk, Brendon wandered into the kitchen area to get a snack. He was typically ravenous after a show because of all the energy he expended on stage, so Spencer knew he'd be coming in to find food. 

"Hey Bren," Spencer called, "once you get your food, come sit with me. We should talk New York plans, because I need to call Jon about it tomorrow." Spencer was gonna start this casually and lead into his main point. He knew he'd get nowhere just asking him about Ryan straight up when it was this heavy of a conversation.

"Ok, coming!" Brendon called as he rounded up his turkey sandwich and Lightly Salted Lays - his favorites. "Alright, dude...what were you thinking?"

"Well, I was thinking that the day we get into town, we can meet them out for dinner that evening since we have free time that whole  
night, and then we can plan to do something with them after."

Brendon nodded. "Yeah, that's perfect."

"Then I thought that we'd have them to the show, of course. Backstage passes so they can be in the dressing room with us and side stage for the shows."

"That also sounds good," Brendon agreed.

Spencer then started easing in the direction he wanted the conversation to go, "Okay...so...were you gonna invite Ryan to come with us?"

Brendon blinked at Spencer innocently, but Spencer wasn't buying it. "Huh. I hadn't thought about it."

Spencer shot Brendon a disbelieving look and said simply, "Bullshit. You talk to him every single day. It's clear you think about him quite a lot, so I find it pretty impossible to believe you haven't thought about seeing him while we're in town."

Brendon returned Spencer's look with a slightly irked glare. "Spencer, what do you want me to say? We're just now talking again. We're friends, good friends even. I'm just afraid of screwing up the progress we've made."

"Why?" Spencer asked. "When you and Ryan were together, did you screw things up, or did they come naturally for you?"

Brendon stuttered, "Well...I mean...they came naturally, but—"

Spencer pressed on, "And since you guys have been talking again, have you had to force anything, or has it come naturally, been comfortable?"

"Well...it's been natural and comfortable, Spence, but—"

"Then why is this going to be any different? Brendon, you know that I was one of the first to be angry at Ryan for his past behavior and to even agree that you should leave. Do you really think I'd recklessly support you seeing him again now, after everything? Do you want to see him?"

Brendon stared at his lap and fidgeted with his hands, and after a moment of quiet, he answered, "You know I do."

Spencer felt like they were finally getting somewhere. "Do you miss him?"

"Yes," Brendon said simply. 

"Ok, Bren, then I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to just answer from your instincts, and not overthink it...do you love him?

"Yes," Brendon said instantly, shyly. It was barely above a whisper.

Then Spencer said gently, "Then don't hold it back. Trust yourself and trust him. He deserves it this time. He would never purposely hurt you again, and he's been clear from the beginning, since the apology letter, that he's still in love with you. It's clear from his behavior that he means it. You guys belong together, Bren."

"Yeah, Spence, I know you're right. But how can we ever make it work? He's lives in New York, and I live in LA. Not to mention the touring. How can we make that into a relationship that works?"

"Well...I actually have a plan for that too, that will work that all out, nice and neat," Spencer grinned.

Brendon laughed, "Dude, what are you? My life coach?"

"Well, someone needs to be. Maybe I should ask Pete for a raise?"

Brendon snorted and shoved Spencer's shoulder. "Whatever, loser. Now tell me about this plan..."

——

It was mid-morning, and Ryan was in his office at the library, sorting through the new arrivals he had ordered for his department's collection. Ryan had to laugh at the irony of a gay man who didn't want any kids being in charge of the children's department.

Ryan heard his phone ringing and instantly recognized his ringtone for Brendon. Brendon got his own ringtone because he was that important. Ryan felt that pleasant rush of butterflies in his stomach at just being able to talk to Brendon. This day was looking up already. 

"Hey, Bren! How's it going?"

Brendon smiled to himself at the sound of Ryan's voice. "Things are good, Ry. We just got into Philadelphia."

"Ah, next to last stop, huh? Are you getting tired?"

"A little," Brendon admitted. "Sleeping in bunks makes it hard to get completely rested. But we're in the home stretch. But we'll be in New York in a couple of days, and I wanted to talk to you about that."

Anticipation washed over Ryan. He'd been hoping Brendon would bring this up. He felt strongly that Brendon had to be the one to initiate any visit between them, because he had been the one to set the terms of contact before, to be so clear about not wanting to see him.

Ryan worked hard to keep his composure. "Ok, B...what did you have in mind?"

"Well, we get into town in 2 days. Spencer and I are planning to meet Jon and Cass for dinner, and I'd love for you to join us, and then we'll do something afterward."

Ryan was beyond thrilled - Brendon did want to see him! "That sounds great, Bren. I'm free that night."

"Ok, well, I'll text you all the specific details about when and where on that. Then the next two nights, we have shows...would you be my guest for the shows? Come be backstage with us, and then hang out afterward both nights?"

Oh man, this just kept getting better. "I would love to. I can't wait to see you play live," Ryan said softly.

Brendon could feel the blush rise to his face. The thought of Ryan being excited to see them play made him excited and bashful all at once. "Thanks, Ry. You know your opinion means a lot to me."

"Well, I can't imagine thinking you are anything less than perfect," Ryan said meaningfully. He meant more than just their band's performance, and Brendon knew it. 

Brendon felt suddenly flustered by the warm feelings pouring over him, and cleared his throat to speak. "Ok..well, good. Um, I gotta run. We're getting ready to head over to the venue. I can't wait to see you though."

"Me either, B. Have a great show tonight. Let me know how it goes."

Brendon felt like he couldn't stop smiling. "Ok, will do. Bye, Ry."

After he laid his phone back on his desk, Ryan uncharacteristically let out a little squeal and did a small happy dance right in the middle of his office. He was just so thrilled at getting to see Brendon again, and even more so that Brendon's wanted to see him.

He had a feeling life was getting ready to get a lot better, very soon. 

—-

Ryan was wrong: his life was currently struggling, but completely on a first-world problems level.

All Ryan could think about was meeting Brendon for dinner and going to the Panic shows in a few days. He currently had most of the contents of his closet strewn about his bed, trying to find perfect outfits for his upcoming time with Brendon. 

After a frustrating hour of trying to come up with something and failing, snatched up his phone and dialed up some moral support.

"Hello, Ry?" Jon said.

"Help me, Jon. I am losing it over here."

Jon furrowed his brow in confusion. "What's going on Ry? What's the problem?"

"Well, did you know Brendon wants to see me when they get to town? He invited me to dinner with you guys then backstage to see the shows."

Jon really didn't get where the problem was. "And this is bad, Ry? You'll have to forgive me: I'm missing where the problem is."

"Jon!", Ryan whined. "I have no idea what I am going to wear!"

John literally facepalmed and then groaned. "Holy shit, Ryan. You had me worried something was actually really wrong!"

Ryan was not impressed. "Something really is wrong. Did you not hear me?"

Jon was deadpan when he spoke.'"Ryan, I'm a straight man who wears flip flops 99.99% of the time. Hell, I'll probably wear them to this fancy dinner we're going to. Forgive me if I do not share in your fashion emergency."

Ryan scoffed. "Well, fine, but I'm still freaking out."

Jon shook his head to himself. "Ry, when you and B were together, did he ever criticise what you wore?"

Ryan thought back. "No, if anything, he often complimented it."

"There ya go," Jon said. "Do you really think he's gonna be upset over something you wear?"

"I guess not," Ryan admitted. "I just want everything to go perfectly."

"Ry, it will. The important part is you two reconnecting and spending time together. It's clear you both really want that." 

"Well, I'm certain I do. I hope he does," Ryan said shyly.

"Oh he does," Jon said. "He wouldn't have asked you to if not."

"Ok, ok, you're right. I'm just nervous is all,"  
Ryan admitted.

"Perfectly normal, Ry. It's going to be great."

  "I'm just really excited, Jon. I love him so much and I don't want to screw anything up or get my hopes up for more than he wants things to be." Ryan really didn't want to come off as trying to pressure Brendon for anything he didn't want."

  "Ryan, that's not your style anyway," Jon said. You've never been the kind of person to pressure anyone for anything. Hell, if anything, you put your own needs on the back burner more than you should in order to make sure other people don't feel like you're imposing. Just remember your love for him before you act on anything, and you'll be fine. It's worked great so far since you guys have been in contact again.

  For what felt like the 1000th time in his life, Ryan was immensely grateful to have Jon and Spencer for best friends. They always spoke good sense and managed to bring him out of a crisis, real or imagined. "You're right, Jon," Ryan chuckled. "I'm just letting my nerves get the best of me."

  "I know it, Ry. Like I said: your nervousness is completely normal. But it'll all be ok. I'm happy for you; for both of you. This meet-up is good, and long overdue."

  "Ok, Jon, thank you. I'll let you go and try to keep my fashion crisis under wraps."

  Jon snorted. "Ok dude. I'll see you at dinner in a couple days. Later, man."

  Ryan chuckled at himself as he hung up. He'd been overthinking things, as usual. He did decide though that he'd go shopping to get an extra-sharp outfit for the dinner. He knew the clothes he had would be fine for the show.

  Well, Bren, he thought, at least I'm determined to give you my best no matter what it is now. I really hope you notice. 

  Ryan couldn't wait for the next two days to pass: he was going to see the love of his life again. He was going to appreciate this opportunity, no matter what.


	13. Chapter 13

  In two separate locations in New York City, both Ryan and Brendon were overflowing with nerves at the same time. The day had finally come: Panic had arrived in the city, and tonight, Ryan and Brendon were going to see each other for the first time in nearly a year and a half. 

  It was a Thursday in late June. Tonight, all the friends were going to meet for dinner and hang out. Then Friday and Saturday nights, Panic would have their shows at Radio City Music Hall, and their tour would come to an end. There was so much excitement packed into these three days, both boys thought they would burst.

  Ryan had taken both Thursday and Friday off of work. He knew he was going to be useless, especially today, if he tried to go in. Brendon and tonight's plans were all he could think of. He just wanted everything to go perfectly, and was completely preoccupied with it. 

  Brendon, unbeknownst to Ryan, was feeling the same way. He was glad the first show wasn't tonight, because he was totally distracted by the thought that he was going to see Ryan tonight. Not to mention, the plan he and Spencer had come up with that would allow him and Ryan to be together. Brendon hoped Ryan wanted to be together again, and that he would think their plan was a good idea. Only time would tell, and the slow passing of that time was what was currently torturing him. 

  "Bren...Bren! EARTH TO BRENDON!" Spencer called. Brendon jolted out of his thoughts and looked toward Spencer. "Sorry, Spence..what was that?"

  Spencer laughed. "Oh nothing, I just was asking you to sign this form giving me your share of the album royalties, that's all."

  Brendon gave Spencer a fake glare. "Ha Ha, you're hilarious. You know I'm a little...scattered today. 

  Spencer nodded sympathetically. "I know, B, I know. You know it'll all be fine don't you? First of all, he cannot wait to see you. I can tell from when I talked to him. And he is going to love our idea. He just loves you, you know?"

  Brendon smiled softly. "I know. I can really feel it this time, in everything he says and does. Things were good with us before everything fell apart, but if you had ever asked me what my ideal was like, it would be exactly how he is now. I can't believe it took me so long to admit to myself that I'm in love with him." Brendon blushed from talking about his feelings so directly. 

  "Well, you were just being cautious. But now you know you don't have to be."

  "Right," Brendon agreed. "Hey, what time is it?"

  Spencer checked his watch. "It's 4:00."

  Brendon groaned. "Damn it. Why does 7 have to be so far away??"

  "Calm down: it'll be here before you know it. And you still have to get ready anyway."

  "Oh my God, you're right!" Brendon scurried into his bedroom of the hotel suite and threw the door shut. Spencer shook his head, chuckled to himself and sat down to watch some mindless TV. 

—-

  "Ryan...Ry!" Jon actually shouted at Ryan to get his to stop pacing and look at him.

  "Yeah?"

  "Do you want to get your deposit back when you move out?" Jon asked.

  "I...yeah...what?" Ryan was confused.

  "Then sit, because if you keep pacing, you're gonna wear a hole in the carpet!" Jon had come over to keep Ryan company at his apartment, and to attempt to help Ryan keep from losing his mind.

  Ryan barked out a sudden laugh. "Ok, ok. Point made. Just nervous."

  "I know, dude," Jon said, "but you don't need to be."

  "Jon, seriously? You know I want this to go just right!"

  "Yes, I know, but overthinking it is not gonna help that happen." There Jon went again, making too much sense. 

  Ryan deflated slightly. "I know you're right. I just hope he's excited too."

  "Oh, he is," Jon confirmed. "I could tell last time I talked to him. That, and Spencer said he's about to drive him crazy!" Jon chuckled. 

  Ryan had to laugh at that. "Why am I not surprised at that?" 

  "Ok, so it's 5 now. Cassie will be here st 6. The car will be here no later than 6:30, and the reservation is for 7. Maybe the best use of your time would be to go and start getting ready."

  Ryan nodded quickly. "Oh yeah. My hair will take some time!" He was clearly serious about this.

  "I have to take your word for it, Ry. I'm a typical straight man when it comes to clothes and hair: clueless, and follow my wife's advice."

  Ryan laughed again. "Well, it's probably best you do, Jon." Ryan ducked quickly into his room and managed to shut the door before Jon launched one of the throw pillows from the sofa at him.

—-

  "Wow, Ry!" Cassie said. "You look amazing!"

  Ryan blushed but flashed Cassie a pleased grin. He had pulled out all the stops for their dinner tonight. He had bought brand new dress slacks and a matching vest, both black with white pinstripes. He had on a medium blue button down shirt, and a tie to match the ensemble. His shoes were gleaming black wingtips, buffed out to an almost mirror shine. His hair had cooperated and looked practically perfect. He had left the lightest bit of designer scruff when he shaved and even managed the lightest touch of eyeliner. He was straight off the pages of GQ.

  "I just hope Brendon can pay attention long enough to actually speak to the rest of us this evening," Cassie teased.

"Hey," Jon teased her back, "I'm starting to get a complex over here!"

  Cassie pecked Jon's cheek. "Stop it. You know I only have eyes for you. Besides, Brendon would cat fight me if I made a move on Ryan!" Cassie winked.

  "You two are dorks, I swear." Ryan laughed. 

  Just then, the buzzer to Ryan's intercom sounded. "Yes?" Ryan answered.

  "Hi, is this Mr. Ross?", the voice asked.

  "Yes it is."

  "Yes, we're the car service Mr. Urie arranged for you. We are downstairss and ready for you and the Walkers."

  "Thank you," Ryan said. "We'll be right down!"

  Ryan turned and looked at Cassie and Jon, and huffed out a sigh. "Well, here goes nothing!"

  Jon smiled and patted Ryan on the back as they left his apartment and headed for the car, ready to enjoy the special evening. 

—-

  Ryan was excited when they pulled up to the beautiful Italian restaurant. Obviously because he was about to be with Brendon, but also because Italian was his favorite and it looked as though Brendon kept that in mind. He had always wanted to try this place, but he didn't date, and didn't want to come to a place this nice as Jon and Cassie's 3rd wheel.

  They entered and walked to the maitre'd. "Yes, sir, how may I help you?"

  "We're with the Urie party in the private dining room. Ryan Ross, and Jon and Cassie Walker." Ryan hoped he seemed more calm than he felt at the moment.

  "Ah, yes sir. The rest of your party is seated and waiting for your arrival. If you'll follow me?"

  Ryan let Jon and Cassie stride ahead of him. He couldn't lead the way with how his stomach was doing backflips right now. 

  After a few moments, they stepped into the private dining room. He caught Spencer's eye first, and got a signature blinding grin. Spencer strode forward and grasped Ryan in a strong brotherly hug. "Dude, I missed you," Spencer whispered.

  "Me too, Spence. Me too." Ryan was beyond glad to see Spencer again. He took a step back and looked up to see Cassie concluding her hug with Brendon.

  Then Brendon stepped back, looked up, and locked eyes with Ryan. They were both frozen for a moment, taking each other in. Brendon's eyes widened and then sparkled, a soft smile growing on his face. Ryan's breath hitched and his mouth dropped open as he took Brendon in. Brendon had changed his hairstyle, and Ryan liked it a lot. It was short in the back and on the sides, and longer on top, styled into a quiff. It made him look more mature..and sexy.

  Both boys began to step forward at the same time and opened their arms to each other. They enveloped one another in a sweet embrace and tucked around each other as much as possible, Brendon with his head in the crook of Ryan's neck. Ryan wound his arms around Brendon's torso tightly, and Brendon brought his arms firmly around Ryan's slender waist. They remained they for a long, long moment, breathing each other in and feeling their bodies relax, as their brains both registered home. 

  "Oh my God, Ry. I missed you so much," Brendon said, slightly choked up.

"Oh Bren, I missed you too. I am so happy to see you," Ryan assured.

  They would have gone on standing there for a very long time had not a sharp clearing of someone's throat broken them from their reverie. They parted slightly, and turned to see Spencer smirking at them.

  "I just thought you might want to join the rest of us..." Spencer teased. 

  Brendon stuck his tongue out at Spencer and Ryan laughed. "Ok, B, let's humor poor Spencer and sit with them a while."

  Brendon grinned at Ryan and nodded his head. 

  And oh how Spencer, Jon and Cassie were sneaky little things while Ryan and Brendon weren't looking. They sat on the side of the table with 3 chairs, and left the booth side of the table for the two obvious lovebirds. Ryan and Brendon slid into the booth seat together, sat closer than two people who were strictly friends would sit. They sat with their thighs pressed together and shoulders bumping. And the two were stealing glances at one another, a trend that would continue the entire meal. 

  "So are you guys glad for tour to be ending, or sad that it's almost over?", Jon asked.

  "Probably a little of both," Spencer said. "It's sad because it's our first big tour and it's something really great coming to an end, but we're tired too and ready for a break."

  "Yeah, I agree," Brendon said, "but I have some plans in mind over our break, and I'm really looking forward to them." He then looked over meaningfully at Ryan and smiled, and Ryan blushed and ducked his head while a pleased grin pulled at his lips.

  Just then, the waiter came to get their drink order. Jon, Cassie and Spencer ordered wine. Ryan asked for sparkling water. Brendon ordered the same. That surprised Ryan.

  "You laying off alcohol for your voice, B? I know you love merlot," Ryan questioned quietly. 

  Brendon put his hand gently on Ryan's knee and squeezed, smiling a soft smile at him with a look that was almost too intimate to be shared at the table. "No, Ry. It's just not important to me. Not as important as you."

  Ryan felt warmth flood his chest that Brendon was showing solidarity with him so that he wouldn't be the only one at the table not drinking. "Thank you, B. That means a lot to me." Ryan wanted nothing more in that moment than to embrace Brendon and capture his lips with his own. He held himself under control, but only just barely. 

  "Dude, I am starving," Jon said. "And this entire place smells amazing."

  "I heard it was awesome, and I know how much Ry loves Italian, so we had to come here!" Brendon exclaimed. 

  So I was right, Ryan thought to himself, pleased. He did pick this at least partially for me. 

  The waiter returned with their drinks and began to take their food order. "So Bren...you trying the lasagna?" Ryan asked.

  A small grin and flushed cheeks from Brendon greeted him. "Still know me too well, huh Ry?"

  Ryan chuckled and bumped shoulders with him. "Like you don't know what I'm getting."

  "Hmm...possibly..chicken Marsala?"

  "Wow, such a lucky guess!" Ryan laughed.

  Brendon gave him that beautiful look again. "Yeah...lucky. For sure." He reached across his lap under the table and took Ryan's hand. Ryan leaned into him slightly and laced fingers with Brendon, mirroring his expression. It was as though the two couldn't stop touching. They really needed private time, as they kept slipping off into their own little world. The others didn't mind, though. They all knew both boys needed this for a long time now. 

  Jon leaned over slightly and murmured to Spencer, "Should we bother reminding them that we're here?" He was playing, of course.

  Spencer chuckled, "Nah. I don't think it will do us any good anyway. They're like a couple of honeymooners."

  "Shh," Jon said.  "Careful, don't give them any ideas!" Jon teased with a wink, to Spencer's giggle. 

—-

  Once dinner had ended, they decided to head to Spencer and Brendon's hotel suite. They took Ryan, Jon and Cassie to meet Dallon and Mike briefly, who had their own plans in the city that evening. Then they were gonna have what used to be a good old-fashioned night in for the group: cards, movies and junk food. 

  After a few hands of poker, at which Brendon got his ass handed to him after he couldn't pay attention to anything but Ryan, the two boys retreated to Brendon's bedroom in the suite to watch a movie. Of course they were treated to catcalls from the other three, which earned them an eye roll from Brendon and the finger from Ryan. 

  "What do you want to watch, Ry?" Brendon asked once they entered his room. "We can order a movie or just see what's on HBO."

  "It doesn't matter to me B, as long as I'm with you. You pick."

  The boys smiled at each other again; and stepped into one another for another embrace, the first they had gotten since the restaurant. This one was more private, allowing them to nestle into each more so than before and the ability to let it linger. 

  "Don't laugh at me, but this is one of the things I missed most...snuggling into you," Brendon chuckled into Ryan's shoulder. 

  "I would never laugh at that," Ryan said softly. "I missed it so much too. You just feel like home, B." Ryan nosed at Brendon's neck. 

  "God, I know exactly what you mean. I feel more relaxed now with you than I have in literally years."

  The two drew back just enough so that they could look into each other's eyes. The both had expressions that played out soft smiles on their lips, but their eyes did all the talking, both sparkling for one another. 

  Ryan brought his hand up and cupped Brendon's face with it. "I will never take you for granted again," he said gently. Brendon closes his eyes and leaned into the touch, then brought his hand up to rest on top of Ryan's. Brendon was pretty sure he could die happy, right now. 

  A knock suddenly came at the door. "Guys, I'm sorry," came Spencer's voice. "But Bren, it's getting late and we have to be at the venue tomorrow earlier than usual for some special setup stuff before sound check."

  Ryan nodded at Brendon. "It ok. We have two more days."

  Brendon pulled Ryan tighter against his body. "I think we'll end up having a lot more than that," he said knowingly. He then leaned forward and delicately placed a kiss at the corner of Ryan's mouth. Both boys felt the tingle of the kiss. 

  Ryan blushed and grinned. "Ok B. Get some sleep and don't stay up, because I know you!" 

  Brendon chuckled and held his hands up in surrender. "Ok, I'll try. But now that I've seen you again and had you in my arms, don't expect me to be good at it without you here."

  Ryan nodded, taking Brendon's hand and squeezing it. "I feel you on that one. I'll be doing the same. So I'll see you in the dressing room at Radio City tomorrow?"

  "Yep," Brendon said. "5 pm sharp!"

  "I'll definitely be looking forward to it. I can't wait to see you on that stage where you belong," Ryan said.

  "Well...I love the stage, but that's not where I belong most." Brendon held that sparkling eye contact with Ryan again, and Ryan leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek.

  "Ok, we're going before I can't leave!" Ryan laughed. 

  "Ok, love. See you tomorrow."

  Ryan blushed and backed out of the room with a small wave. Jon and Cassie waved at Brendon and headed to the door with Ryan. Spencer poked his head in the door and waggled his eyebrows ridiculously at Brendon.

  Brendon laughed and grabbed a pillow to throw at him."Idiot!" he cackled.

  Then Brendon laid down on his bed, letting out a dreamy sigh, not unlike a teenage girl with a crush. 

  Just hang in there B, he thought. If everything goes according to plan, you two won't be apart much at all anymore.

  Brendon got down to his boxers and under the covers, settling in. He actually fell asleep quite easily with the newly found peace in his heart, knowing he had his love back in his life.


	14. Chapter 14

  Ryan let himself sleep without an alarm, content to wake up whenever his body was ready. He had a little trouble going to sleep but that was simply from the joy that was currently consuming him. Seeing Brendon again last night had gone better than he'd ever imagined. 

  Ryan looked at his phone and saw that it was 11 am. Excellent - he'd been able to sleep in, and waste some of the time that he had to be apart from Brendon again. Plus, tonight was going to be a later night, so he was glad to have plenty of rest to be able to not get tired early. 

  Ryan got up and had his toast and coffee, and got dressed. Jon was coming over with his bass around 12 or so. They were gonna sit and just jam and have a good time, partly to pass time until they went to the venue, and partly to keep the practice up on their skills. Both enjoyed playing their instruments greatly, and playing together was one of the great parts of their friendship. 

  Ryan heard the intercom a little after noon, and answered it. "Hey Ry, it's me," Jon said.

  "Come on up," Ryan responded, and buzzed Jon in.

  Jon came in with his bass in a gig bag, and gave Ryan a giant smile. "So," he smirked, "get any sleep last night." 

  Ryan rolled his eyes and laughed. "Actually, it was the best sleep I've had in forever. Guess it was because I'm just feeling so content."

  Jon waggled his eyebrows. "Wow, didn't think you guys were alone in his room for that long!" Jon cackled at his own wittiness.

  Ryan faked a glare. "Shut up, loser! It's not like that. It's just...I could tell he was so happy to see me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but...it feels like he's in love with me."

  Jon smiled at Ryan supportively. "I'm the last guy to want you to falsely get your hopes up, and even so, I have to agree with you. That boy is gone for you."

  "God, that would be everything, Jon. But still just trying to figure out how we'd make it work."

  "I hear you Ry, but I think he wants you to be together too. Maybe trust him to help you figure it out? You guys just...belong."

  Ryan smiled and nodded. "I know you're right. So after all this time, I'm going to try to listen to some advice you're been giving me since forever, and not overthink this. I'm going to try to not get in the way of my own happiness."

  Jon's eyebrows raised and his mouth dropped open. "Holy shit, Ryan...that's...growth!

  Ryan burst out laughing. "Well, it's time I tried to learn something from you, Spence and Bren, huh?"

  Jon nodded. "Guess so! Hey, so since we're not gonna dwell on that right now, wanna jam?"

  Ryan grinned. "You bet."

—-

  Brendon himself slept in that morning, not finding his way out of bed until noon. He called down for some room service before getting dressed and stumbling out to the couch in the hotel suite's lounge. The other three Panic boys had been up for a while, and eyed him amusedly.

  "Well, good morning, sort of, Sleeping Beauty!" Dallon teased.

  "Yeah, Bren! You're usually like the Energizer Bunny in the mornings. Ryan wear you out last night?", Mike ribbed.

  Brendon picked up the throw pillow nearby and whacked Mike across the head with it. "No!", he laughed, "and don't be gross. Ask Spence. They left at a perfectly respectable hour and we kept it clean."

  "Yep," Spencer agreed, "they did. I was here to chaperone, it was kittens and puppies and fluffy bunnies. You would have puked." Spencer tried to be serious but ended up cracking himself up.

  "Wow, you guys are a riot: ever think about doing stand up?", Brendon deadpanned. 

    "Sorry, B. Couldn't resist. You're so happy, we have to find our fun somewhere. You know we're totally happy for you," Spencer assured.

"I know. It's all good." Brendon laughed.

  "So is he gonna go for the plan?" Dallon asked.

  "I haven't said anything yet. Not to Jon either. I'm waiting until after the 2nd show, when the tour is officially over."

  "I can see that," Mike agreed. "Keeps things nice and neat."

  "Exactly. But I am certain he'll be down with it." Spencer had known Ryan longer than anyone. Especially now, if this made it perfectly possibly for he and Brendon to be together, Ryan would be into it. 

  Just then, Brendon's food arrived. "You better get on with it, B. We gotta leave in an hour and you have to shower still!"

  "Yes, mom. And I won't even play with my food," Brendon said, sticking out his tongue. 

  Spencer rolled his eyes. "Someone has to run your program. I'll be happy to turn that over to Ryan."

  "I'd be happy with that too!" Brendon wiggled his eyebrows.

  Spencer shook his head. "Dork."

—-

  Ryan had Spencer enlist Zack's help the previous evening, so that when Ryan got there, Zack intercepted him first. Ryan had a gorgeous, huge bouquet of red roses for Brendon to give him after the show, but he didn't want Bren to see them beforehand. Zack said he was on top of it, and swept them off to a safe place that Brendon wouldn't see until Ryan handed them to him when he came offstage. 

  Ryan was blown away by being in the inner workings of a legendary place like Radio City just as Brendon's guest. He couldn't even imagine how all the boys in the band must be feeling from being here, knowing they were going to play as headliners. Ryan's heart was filled with pride for Brendon, and Spencer too. 

  Zack led him and Jon back to Panic's dressing room. When they entered, all four guys were there, and all greeted them as soon as they saw them. Ryan and Brendon caught each other's eyes and moved for one another. They got caught up in another one of their epic hugs, lingering in it again. Everyone else in the room looked around at each other and smiled. The feelings between the two were palpable.

  Once again, a loud clearing of someone's throat broke the two out of their embrace. Only this time, it was Pete Wentz. Brendon grinned, but Ryan stared, slightly bug-eyed. It was a little surreal to be hanging out with the frontman of a band he'd adored for a long time.

  "So, Bren," Pete began, "you gonna introduce me, or what?" Pete had a shit-eating grin on his face.

  Brendon stepped back and took Ryan's hand in his, grinning back at Pete. "Pete, this is Ryan Ross. Ryan, meet Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, and also head of Decaydance Records, so technically my boss."

  "No," Pete said, "you mean totally your boss. As in, 'you're totally my bitch', your boss." Pete's grin only widened.

  Ryan snickered, and Brendon rolled his eyes. "Ok, loser. Whatever." Then he broke a smile. 

  Pete held his hand out to shake Ryan's free one. "I'm just playing. It's really nice to meet you, Ryan. Especially since your name has taken up half of Brendon's vocabulary for weeks now."

  Ryan blushed and smiled bashfully. "It's nice to meet you too, Pete. I'm a big fan."

  "Bren tells me you're a guitar player?"

  "Well, I don't know about that," Ryan said humbly. "I play for sure, but I'm sure he inflates and flatters my skills."

  "No I don't, Ry. If anything, you downplay your skills." Brendon knew Ryan was shy about his playing. 

  "Well, one day he'll have to play with us, and let me be the judge of that!" Pete winked at Brendon. "I'm gonna go check on the crowds and the stage set up. Excuse me, guys." And Pete was gone as suddenly as he appeared.

  Brendon turned back to face Ryan. "How did you sleep last night?", he asked him softly.

Ryan brushed his hand across Brendon's forehead, moving a stray hair back into place. "I slept the best I have in years...literally." He smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to Brendon's forehead.

  "Me too, honestly. I'm just so glad to be here with you right now. The shows are just a nice bonus. Come sit with me?", Brendon asked.

  "Absolutely." Ryan would follow Brendon anywhere at this point.

  Brendon found them a quiet corner in the dressing room, away from all the bustle, on a loveseat. They sat pressed together again, and Ryan put his arm around Brendon's shoulders. Brendon leaned into him and laid his head on Ryan's shoulder. 

  "What time do you go on?" Ryan asked.

  "We go on at 7. Pretty soon, the makeup artists and hairstylists will be in to fix us up. Then we'll get dressed and it'll be pretty much time to go on. They've got everything down to pretty much clockwork." Brendon just couldn't stop smiling at Ryan.

  Ryan nodded and smiled back, focusing his gaze directly on Brendon. "I just can't tell you how proud of you I am. I mean, I know you're not in this alone, and I'm happy for Spence because he deserves it too, but you...you totally found your strength, moved completely across the country and remade your entire life. You are amazing. And...you're fucking beautiful." 

  Brendon lifted his head and looked right into Ryan's eyes. Then Ryan was leaning forward, and touching lips ever-so-gently to Brendon's. It was a sweet and simple kiss, kept completely innocent. When Ryan pulled back, Brendon was gazing up at him, mouth left agape, and his breath hitched.

  "God, you don't know how much I've missed you. And...it was really hard to leave like that, but I had to."

  Ryan shook his head and put his finger to Brendon's lips to silence him. "No explanation needed for that. You did the absolute right thing, for both of us. I have no idea what my life would even be now if you hadn't done that. And I'm glad you refused to let yourself be dragged down with me. You gave me the kick in the ass i needed to fix my life. And now, I intend to spend as much time as you'll let me making it up to you and showing you how absolutely precious you are." Ryan ran his knuckles down Brendon's cheekbone gently, and Brendon's eyes shone with happy tears. 

  "Ry, you are absolutely everything I have ever wanted now. I feel so lucky and so blessed that we may have a second chance now."

  "Bren—"

  "Hey Bren, sorry to interrupt, but we gotta get ready. The stylists are here." Spencer looked really apologetic to be pulling the two apart. He could tell they were in the middle of a moment. 

  Brendon looked at Ryan helplessly, and Ryan said, "Go, B, it's fine. I'll be here waiting for you once the show has ended. You knock them dead!" Ryan gave him a radiating smile, and Brendon relaxed immediately. He gave Ryan a kiss on the cheek as he rose from the loveseat, and hurried off with Spencer.

  As quickly as Brendon scurried off, Pete appeared and sat down. He smiled at Ryan but not as widely as before. "I know about you two, you know."

  Ryan wasn't sure exactly what Pete meant, so he remained vague. "Oh? How is that?"

  Pete wasn't phased. "I know about your history...what happened before B moved to LA."

  Ryan nodded sadly and looked at his lap. "Yeah, it's the worst thing I've ever done and my biggest regret. I was all fucked up but that doesn't mean I hurt him any less. I don't even deserve for him to care about me, but somehow I'm lucky enough that he does."

  Pete was quiet for a minute. "Yeah, I know you hurt him, but I also know you've done every single thing since to try and make it right. Spencer says you deserve him, and I trust Spencer's judgment. And even without Spencer, I can tell on my own: you worship him now. And not in that creepy fan sort of way, either." Pete was full-blown grinning now.

  Ryan chuckled. "Well, I am his biggest fan, but not in that way, no. I love him with everything I am. And believe me when I say that it's usually highly awkward for me to discuss my feelings, especially with someone I don't know well. But not about Bren. I would shout it from the top of the Empire State Building if he asked."

  "I know," Pete said. "I can just tell. But I have to give you standard warning: Brendon is like a little brother to me. Hurt him again, and I'll shove you off the Empire State Building."

  "And I'd let you," Ryan agreed.

  "Ok, then: so we're good here!" Pete resumed grinning. "Enjoy the show from side stage!" He patted Ryan's shoulder, and he was off again. He was kind of like Brendon that way: never still for very long. 

  Ryan chuckled to himself and looked over at the love of his life, in the chair getting his hair styled. He thought once again about just how lucky he was. 

—-

  Ryan was so thrilled to be side stage for Panic's show. He'd seen Brendon singing many times, but never performing like this. He was born for it, that much was clear to Ryan. 

  And the fans: man, how they responded to him. Girls were screaming and crying, guys were whooping and hollering, and the entire audience seemed to be on fire. Ryan might have felt jealousy at how they looked at Brendon if he wasn't just so proud. He was so full of joy and love that he couldn't be bothered at how the screaming fans wanted his boy. 

  After the band wound down their last song, Brendon took the mic and said, "Thank you, New York! We love you - good night!" All four players came together center stage and took a bow, then hurried off the stage. Just before they made it to the wings, Zack handed Ryan the bouquet of roses with a wink. 

  Brendon came trotting off, absolutely drenched in sweat. He was a blur of energy when performing and was breaking a good sweat within 10 minutes into the set. Ryan couldn't have cared less. He held his arms open for Brendon, who said, "Oh, Ry, I'm so gross!" 

  Ryan shook his head and said, "I don't care. Come'er you." He then stuck one long arm out and reeled Brendon in, clutching him tight. "You make me so proud. You were amazing."

  Brendon drew back and blushed up at Ryan. Then he noticed Ryan holding out the roses for him. "Oh my God, Ry, thank you! These are gorgeous."

  "They are congratulations for being the most amazing performer I've ever seen." Ryan beamed at Brendon, who returned his mega-watt smile. 

  "Hey," Zack called. "I've already got everyone's stuff back on the bus, so let's get out of here and go to the hotel. You can shower there!"

  "Ry, come with me in the bus, ok?" Brendon asked with big brown eyes. 

  "Of course. Jon, you coming?"

  "Not tonight. I'll hang out with everyone tomorrow night when Cass can be there."

  "Ok, see you tomorrow!" Brendon called. He tugged Ryan by the hand, down the hall and out the back exit of the venue toward the bus. He didn't let go of Ryan's hand as they emerged outside. 

  "B? Don't you want to let go? Paparazzi may catch us and start stories..." Ryan was concerned for Brendon.

  "Let 'em," Brendon grinned. "I don't care if you don't!" 

  Ryan grinned back. "I definitely don't."

  "Good. Now let's get out of here."

  The two boys headed to the bus, waving to the fans who had gathered around the blockade to the back of the venue. Ryan was proud to be holding Brendon's hand. He hoped he could hold it for good. 

—-

Ryan was lying in Brendon's bed watching TV, when Brendon emerged from the bathroom, clean from his shower. He was toweling his hair to dry it further but was in an old t-shirt and pj pants, just like he used to do when they lived together. 

  Ryan scooted over to give Brendon room, and they lay, propped up against the headboard. "What do you want to watch, B?"

  "I don't really care, sweetie."

  Ryan's heart did a somersault. That was a pet name between them left over from when they were together before. 

  "Honestly, Ry, just turn it down low and leave it on for background noise so we don't have to hear the others out in the lounge. If it's ok with you...I just want to cuddle you."

  Ryan nodded quickly. "Hell, yes. That sounds perfect."

They lay down, and turned on their sides to face each other. They tangled up their legs, and clasped both their hands between them. 

  Brendon let go a content sigh. "I missed you, and I missed this."

"Oh, me too. Believe me. And until you sent me that email, I never dreamt I would ever get it back even temporarily."

  Brendon frowned. "Temporarily?"

  Ryan hesitated. "Well, I mean...you leave to go back to LA on Sunday. I didn't expect you to stay here in New York. I mean, I don't want it to be temporary!"

  Brendon let out a breath in relief. "Ok, I get it now. It's not that you want rid of me...it's just that I'm going home."

  Ryan nodded. "Yes, exactly that. I really want you Bren, but I don't expect you to rearrange your whole life for me. I couldn't ask that!"

  Brendon reached up and petted his hand through Ryan's hair. "I understand Ry. Can I...can I tell you something?" Brendon looked directly into Ryan's eyes, as serious as Ryan had ever seen him. 

  "Of course, B. You can tell me anything."

  Brendon squeezed Ryan's hands and rested his own forehead against Ryan's. "I...I love you. I never stopped loving you. I just had to put it away for a while until I could see that I could trust you with it. I want there to be something for us Ryan. We'll have to figure out what that looks like, but it's you that I want.

  Ryan drew back just enough to look Brendon in the eyes as a few stray tears spilled down his cheeks. "Bren...I love you too, so, so much. You don't know how long I've been dreaming of hearing you say those words again. We'll work something out."

  Brendon couldn't take it anymore. He dove forward and took Ryan's lips with his. They began their kiss slowly, but soon they were kissing with increased passion. Brendon's arms wove around Ryan's waist and pulled them flush to one another, while Ryan put his hands into Brendon's hair and held his head while he deepened the kiss, their tongues rubbing softly against one another. 

  Eventually, they had to break apart to catch their breath. They looked at each other as they panted, and began to chuckle. Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon's shoulders and they held each other close.

  "Please tell me this isn't a dream," Ryan whispered.

  "If it is, I'll beat the ass of whoever wakes us up," Brendon said to Ryan's bark of laughter. 

  Ryan pecked Brendon's lips once, twice, three more times before rubbing noses with him."I love you," he grinned. 

  "I love you so much," Brendon echoed.

  "I should get going," Ryan said.

  "What!?" Brendon whined. "Why??"

  "Listen to me, baby. We don't have much time tonight. You're gonna have to sleep for your performance to be good tomorrow night. I'll be back at the venue early again tomorrow. Then once the show is over, we can spend proper time together. I want to take this somewhat slowly, not rush things; so we can enjoy our time. I wanted to ask if...you'd spend the night with me at my place tomorrow night." Ryan smiled that soft, intimate smile at him. 

  Brendon beamed. "There's nothing I'd love more. And I love us taking things a little more slowly. I don't want to rush through anything either. We're worth too much for that."

  Ryan nodded. "So kiss me again, and I will see you tomorrow."

  Brendon leaned over and kissed him softly, cupping Ryan's cheek with his hand: "I'll see you tomorrow, baby," Ryan said.

  "Tomorrow," Brendon nodded.

  "Sweet dreams, B." Then Ryan walked out and left the suite. 

Sweet dreams, indeed, Brendon thought. Tomorrow your gonna show him just how much more you can be together than he thinks is possible. Brendon smiled to himself, turned out the lights, and lay thinking of nothing but Ryan until sleep overtook him.


	15. Chapter 15

  Panic's second New York show was going strong, and it was the last night of tour. Ryan, Jon and Cassie were enjoying themselves side stage, out of view of the crowd. But every once in a while, Brendon would glance their direction and show off his wide, beautiful smile. 

"So," Jon said as the opening bars of another song launched, "I heard you and Brendon won't be partying with us this evening? Shame...I figured you two would want to celebrate the end of tour." Jon's smirk was gigantic. 

Ryan smirked right back at him. "We are celebrating. We're just doing it privately...back at my place." 

"Ooh!" Jon lit up. "Make sure you party with protection, Ry!"

Ryan shoved Jon's shoulder. "Shut up, perv," he chuckled. "We want to be alone and not interrupted by a loud party. Plus, I don't want to be around the booze or be a party pooper for anyone else with it."

"I know, Ry. I'm just teasing. You two deserve and even need your privacy. Sounds like you've got some stuff to sort out, like how you're gonna work your relationship from here. Are you dating again?" 

Ryan shook his head. "Not officially but I don't think that matters just now. That's all part of what we have to sort out tonight."

"But you want to be?" Jon asked. 

Before Ryan could answer, what Brendon was saying from the stage caught his attention. 

"We're gonna take a little detour from our usual setlist this evening. I hope you all won't mind." Brendon grinned as the crowd went wild. 

"Great," he said. "I've got someone very special visiting with me tonight. Someone I've not seen in a very long time. And there's a song on the album I wrote especially for them." Then Brendon looked toward the wings, directly at Ryan. "This one's for you. This is called, 'Always'."

Ryan's mouth dropped opened and he gasped. His hand slowly rose to cover his mouth. He could not believe it. This was the song he had felt a connection to Brendon with from the very first time he'd ever heard it. Ryan didn't used to believe in this sort of thing, but he definitely did now: he knew Brendon was his soul mate. 

He stood there and listened with tears rolling down his cheeks as Brendon sang the song, for him. Jon slung his arm around Ryan's neck and squeezed Ryan's shoulder to show his support. As Brendon finished the song, he looked back over toward Ryan and actually blew him a kiss from the stage. Ryan laughed and smiled at him from the wings. The crowd went insane.

The rest of the show was a blur for Ryan. He was so quiet and all he could think or see was Brendon. Right before the end of the last song, Ryan turned to Jon. "Hey, Jon...I forgot to answer your question."

"Oh, yeah?" Jon said.

"I don't want to date Brendon," Ryan said. Jon looked really surprised. "I want to be with him forever, Jon." 

Jon smiled and laughed and slapped Ryan on the back. "Well, here comes your boy. Go get him. You two deserve it." 

Ryan turned to see all the members of Panic waving to the crowd as they headed off the stage. 

Brendon bounded right up to Ryan, and with no concern for who was around, put his hand behind Ryan's head and brought him to his lips for a deep kiss. When he broke away, he leaned right against Ryan's ear and whispered, "Let's get the hell out of here. Zack has a car waiting for us and my bag is already in it."

Ryan nodded with a soft smile and happy eyes. 

"Bye, Jon, Cass...we'll talk soon. Make sure you catch up with Spence tonight. He's got something he wants to ask you about," Brendon rattled off. He had already grabbed Ryan's hand and was dragging him down the hallway. 

Jon laughed and called, "Will do - love you, man!" 

"You too!" Brendon called. Ryan flashed Jon a grin as he hurried off with Brendon. 

Cassie had an amused look on her face. "What's so funny, babe? " Jon asked.

"Call it women's intuition, but something big is going to happen with those two. And we should just be happy for them," she said.

Jon shrugged, "You're the boss, sweets. Let's go find Spence." Cassie laughed and was the one to lead Jon down the hall by the hand this time. 

—-

Ryan and Brendon were pressed together in the backseat of a large black SUV with blackout windows. They had managed to beat the crowds and traffic leaving Radio City, and were moving along smoothly in the Manhattan streets to Ryan's studio apartment. 

Within 10 minutes, they had arrived to Ryan's building. The driver, who was also a member of Panic's security team, got out and came to open the door. He insisted on walking to Ryan's apartment door with them to make sure they were safe. Brendon didn't think they needed that level of fuss but after Brendon's attack, Ryan was happy to put up with a little overbearing security if it meant keeping Brendon that much safer. Soon Ryan had the door unlocked and once the security man had checked out the apartment, he bid them goodnight and was quickly on his way. 

Brendon dropped his bag on the kitchen table and said, "Oh Ry, I love this place! I think it's perfect for you. And I know you had to work hard to be able to afford it on your own."

Ryan stepped up to Brendon and rubbed his hands down his arms, "Well, the only people who are ever here are me, Jon and Cassie. I never dated anyone while we were apart. I felt like that would have been lying to them, leading them on."

Brendon smiled softly and nodded. "Same. At first, I couldn't even think about dating someone, and then we had started talking again, and all I could think about is you."

Ryan kissed Brendon's forehead again, a habit both boys were growing very fond of. 

"Ok Ry, I'm so sweaty. Let me go use your shower!" 

"Of course, babe. Let me get you a towel and anything else you'll need. You can use my products if you want. I'll just change into my pj's and be here watching TV. You take as much time as you need." 

"Ok, love. Thank you." Brendon pulled Ryan close and gave him a soft kiss. Ryan hurried and laid out Brendon's towel and washcloth, and plopped down on the couch after changing his clothes.

Ryan got lost in his thoughts while he channel surfed. He wondered what kind of relationship arrangement he and Brendon would come to. All he knew is that as long as he and Brendon were exclusively each other's, then he would take whatever he could work out. He would take being with Brendon only when he wasn't on tour or in the studio if that's what he had to do. He had known what it was to live without Brendon once, and he didn't want to go there ever again. Suddenly, he remembered he had something he wanted to give to Brendon, and went to retrieve it.

Before he knew it, Brendon was walking out of the bathroom, in the soft shirt and pj pants, toweling at his hair again. He tossed the towel back into the bathroom, and plopped down on the couch, right next to Ryan. He brought his feet and knees up to his side on the couch, and leaned into Ryan again, who once more put his arm around Brendon. 

"Hey, B...I have something for you."

Brendon furrowed his brow. "Ry, you already got me those beautiful flowers yesterday! You don't need to spoil me, you know?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, it's not like that. Hold out your hand."

Brendon did as requested and Ryan brought his hand over Brendon's and opened his palm. Brendon saw something small fall into his hand. When he realized what it was, he gasped.

"Ry, holy shit! My lucky pick! I thought I'd lost it for good in the move to LA."

"No, you left it in your drawer at the old apartment. I kept it, just in case I'd ever get the chance to get it back to you somehow. I knew how much it meant to you. Ever since we started talking again, I was looking forward to the day I could give it back to you."

"Thank you, love. That means so much to me." Brendon kissed Ryan's lips gently. 

"B, that song you wrote me...I have to tell you. The first time I heard it, I felt such a connection to you, I can't even explain it."

Brendon looked up at him with wide, wondering eyes. "Wow...well, that song was always about you." 

Ryan nodded. "Do you believe in soulmates?" 

Brendon nodded back. "I absolutely do, and I completely believe we are each other's...you?" 

"I never used to. But with what I feel with you, and that song on top of it, I do now." Ryan smiled then leaned forward and kissed Brendon gently once more. 

When they parted, Brendon looked serious. "Ry...there's something I need to ask you about."

Ryan assumed this was this was the kickoff of their big relationship talk. "Ok, hon, go ahead."

"Well, first, I should tell you some news. Something I couldn't share with you until the tour was over...Dallon and Mike are leaving Panic."

Ryan's eyes flew wide in surprise. "What, are they crazy? They're leaving a band at the height of its popularity? Have you all not been getting along?"

Brendon shook his head quickly. "Oh no, it's nothing like that. It's personal reasons for both. For Dallon, he has a wife and two kids back home. It's just too much for him as a dad to be gone on these tours like this right now, as little as the kids are. He's got something he can do locally to maintain his career until the kids are older."

Ryan nodded, "Yeah, I can totally see that. What about Mike?"

"Well, Mike was in another band before this and they've been on hiatus. That band has now come off of hiatus and want him back. He was committed to them first and they are his oldest friends so it's natural for him to want to go back with them. Spencer and I are fine with all of it and we told them so. In fact, Spencer and I have a very, very good plan." Brendon grinned almost mischievously. 

"Oh yeah?" Ryan asked, raising one eyebrow. "What's that?" 

Brendon turned to Ryan and took his hand. "We want you to come be our guitarist, and Jon to be our bassist. Spencer is probably asking Jon right now."

Ryan's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Are you fucking serious? Me and Jon in Panic??"

"Think about it. It's perfect. We trust you and Jon more than anyone else in the world. We know we get along with you. And we know you're musically capable enough. And don't you argue with me about that, Ryan Ross," Brendon said sternly.

Ryan was quiet, just blinking at Brendon with wide eyes. He was just so shocked - he never expected this. 

"Unless," Brendon said timidly, "you don't want to. Spencer and I both thought it was perfect. You fill our band needs, and you and I could be together full-time again." Brendon looked unsure, like he thought maybe Ryan wasn't pleased with the idea. 

Ryan's eyes widened further when he realised what Brendon was thinking. He raised both hands to cup Brendon's face. "There is nothing I could want more than to be with you full-time. And I would love to be in your band."

Brendon's face lit up, and Ryan pulled his face forward with his hands to kiss him. Brendon's arms pulled him close until their chests were pressed flush, and their kiss deepened, Ryan licking his way into Brendon's mouth. Brendon groaned deep in his throat, and Ryan felt the sound turning him on. Brendon was running his hands all over Ryan's back, and heading for the hem of his shirt to pull it over his head. Before he got there, Ryan began kissing down Brendon's jaw, then along his neck, tonguing at his pulse point, making Brendon writhe in his arms. 

"Wait just a minute, Ry," Brendon said, breathing hard. and looked him in the eye. "Before we go any further with this, I want to know that we're together. I only want to make love with you if you're mine," Brendon said shyly.

"Bren, I am yours, and you are mine. If you would let me, I would marry you tonight."

As soon those words passed Ryan's lips, he knew he absolutely meant them. Brendon looked at him searchingly, with wide eyes. They held each other's gaze for a long moment, and it was as if they knew what the other was thinking.

Slowly, Ryan took Brendon's left hand in his and sunk to the floor from the couch, and got on one knee. He looked up at Brendon, who had happy tears spilling over his cheeks, and his free hand covering his mouth.

"Bren, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. There was a time when I was too blind to see that, but thanks to your strength, I got my wakeup call. There is no one else in the world I could ever love like you. If you will let me, I will spend the rest of our lives showing you just how precious you really are, and I will never hurt you, ever again. Marry me, Brendon."

Brendon was nodding through his tears before he could speak. "Yes, Ryan...yes." 

Ryan quickly moved back to the couch and embraced Brendon in a nearly crushing hug. Brendon was laughing through his happy tears, and said, "God, I love you so much. I can't believe we're getting married!"

Ryan chuckled as tears trickled down his cheeks too. He leaned back, looked at Brendon again, and captured his lips again, intending to pick up where they left off. 

They kissed intensely for a long moment until Brendon pulled back and looked at Ryan seriously. "Did you mean it when you said you'd marry me tonight?"

Ryan nodded immediately. "Yes, of course. I wouldn't joke about that."

Brendon was still, watching Ryan for a moment. "Let's do it," he said, with a giant grin.

Ryan's eyebrows rose in surprise, and he said, "Get married tonight? How?" 

"We can take the Decaydance plane and go to Vegas. There's no reason I have to be here to fly back with everyone to LA tomorrow. We're officially on a 6-week break as of right now! The plane can run us to Vegas and be back in plenty of time to take everyone home tomorrow. We can arrange our own travel out of Vegas for when we're ready to leave. We can stay there for a couple of days in a nice honeymoon suite, and decide where we wanna honeymoon from there. 

Ryan still looked surprised, but pleased. "Wow, babe. That could actually work. What about my job and the apartment and such?"

Brendon grinned harder. "Haven't you heard? Ryan Ross has a new job in as the guitarist in Panic! At The Disco, his husband Brendon Urie-Ross' band. 

Ryan broke into a giant grin at that last statement. "Oh, I love the sound of that!"

And since the band is on break anyway, I'll come out here with you and help you wrap up the apartment stuff. We'll get our own place together out in LA, since you're gonna need to move there for the band anyhow, and it was time for me to move out of Spencer's anyway. I do think you should probably call someone from work tonight, though, so they don't think you've died. I don't plan to let you have much time to talk to others on our honeymoon." Brendon's grin could be seen from outer space. 

Ryan nodded, really hard. "Yes, yes, I can call now. Then I'm going to pack. You can make the arrangements?" Ryan was as excited as Brendon had ever seen him. 

"Yep, I'm on it. I'll tell anyone who's salty about not being at the wedding that we'll have an awesome reception sometime in the near future. And we can go together and smooth it over with my parents." 

Ryan laughed. "Ok, love. Kiss me, and then let's move!" 

Brendon pulled Ryan in, kissed him quickly and let Ryan move to his bedroom to make his call, while he made calls to Pete and Zack. 

Pete declared both Brendon and Ryan crazy, but said that was ok because he liked crazy. He granted use of the jet as a wedding gift, and said he'd arrange for it to be ready at LaGuardia within an hour. He was also extremely happy to hear of Ryan's agreement to join Panic, as Pete had been privy to Spencer and Brendon's plan all along. He also informed Brendon that Jon had said yes as well. Brendon thanked him, and Pete  simply said, "Just go get laid for me. That's thanks enough."

Brendon's call to Zack was for logistical arrangements. He told Zack to go in his room at the hotel and pack up all his items and have them brought to the jet. He asked Zack to also call one of their contacts at the Bellagio in Vegas to book them a honeymoon suite, and to have someone there in 6 hours, prepared to marry them, because they weren't doing this with an Elvis impersonator. Oh, and they needed rings, and Brendon needed his black suit from the tour wardrobe. And could he please make sure Brendon's passport was in his suitcase? He didn't know where they were honeymooning yet, and he didn't want to limit their options. 

Zack also told him they were crazy but that he was happy for them, and that he'd have all those things taken care of. He also wished Brendon and Ryan a lifetime of health and happiness together.

Ryan soon emerged from the bedroom with a small rolling suitcase and a suit bag. He grinned at Brendon. 

"How did your work take it?" Brendon asked.

"Well...I may have said I got picked up as a guitarist and needed to leave town for that immediately. These people would not get our quickness to do this. And I most likely won't see any of them again, so there was no need to add drama. They were surprisingly understanding about it."

"Good plan," Brendon said. "Whatever gets us out of here quicker. You pack your swimsuit?"

"Yep," Ryan said, stepping forward, pecking Brendon's lips.

"Suit, tie, shirt, shoes?"

"Also yes," Ryan said, and pecked his jaw. 

"Get your passport?" Ryan nodded and kissed his neck. "Um, what about lube and condoms?"

Ryan looked up and caught Brendon's eye. "Well...I mean, do we need condoms? It's just, I haven't been with anyone since we broke up, and when I went to rehab, I got tested for everything. So I know I'm clean and negative."

Brendon smiled then, and ran his hand through Ryan's hair, petting him. "Then we're good. Because I haven't been with anyone since you either, and I also got tested, clear and negative. So just lube then. I...I can't wait for you to make love to me again, especially as my husband." Brendon smiled shyly at Ryan. 

Ryan took him back into his arms. He brought his mouth right next to Brendon's ear, and said quietly, "I can't wait for that either. But the thing I really can't wait for, is for you to make love to me." 

Brendon drew back quickly and looked Ryan in the eye with surprise. "Really? You want that?"

Ryan gave Brendon the look he only gave him, the one of pure love. "More than anything, if you do. I would love nothing more than to give myself to you that way." 

Brendon embraced him tightly and murmured, "I do want that. And I'll take good care of you, baby. Now let's get out of here and go get married!" 

The two called for the car to come back and pick them up, and headed out of Ryan's soon-to-be-former apartment, hand in hand.

—-

Brendon jolted awake when the flight attendant shook his shoulder slightly. "I'm sorry Mr. Urie, but we're about to land in Las Vegas," she said.

Brendon blinked rapidly to clear his vision and said sleepily, "Oh, thank you. I'll wake my partner up."

She nodded with a soft smile and moved to her seat to buckle in for the landing. 

"Ry? Ry, baby? We're here." Brendon leaned over and placed a delicate kiss on Ryan's cheek. Ryan's eyes fluttered open and he gave Brendon a bleary smile. "Wow, we're here already?" Ryan asked, a bit groggily.

"Yeah. I guess once we got settled into each other, all warm and comfortable, we both dozed off pretty quick. It is around 4 am, New York time."

"Oh wow. Well, I'm glad we slept. We have a big night ahead, and we need our energy," Ryan grinned at Brendon. 

Brendon grinned back. "You said it. Oh! We're about to land."

Just then the plane touched down. A car came straight to the plane on the tarmac and within 15 minutes, the couple were speeding off to the Bellagio. 

Once they arrived at the resort, bellmen took their bags to head up to the room, and a manager approached them. "Good evening Mr. Urie, Mr. Ross. Welcome to the Bellagio. I spoke to Mr. Wentz personally, and everything has been taken care of for you. I presume you'd prefer to do the ceremony in the suite, as opposed to a more public location?"

Brendon looked back at the manager and nodded his head, wide-eyed. "You talked to Pete?"

"Yes, sir. He said to tell you that whatever you needed for your ceremony and your time here was a gift for you and Mr. Ross from Decaydance Records and Fueled By Ramen. He also instructed that our concierge should assist you tomorrow or the next day in selecting where you would like to spend the remainder of your honeymoon and in making those arrangements, and that trip is a gift to you as well."

Brendon and Ryan smiled at each other and shook their heads. Pete was rooting for them, the big softie. This was one time that Brendon wouldn't give him a hard time about, though. 

"Sirs, I just need to know how to prepare the marriage license and then I can take you to the suite to get ready for the ceremony. How should your married names read?"

Brendon locked eyes with Ryan and smiled. "He will remain Ryan Ross, but I will be Brendon Urie-Ross." Ryan leaned over and kissed his cheek, smiling at him lovingly. 

"Very good, sir. If you'll follow me? I have keys to the room for both of you, but they'll be on the desk in the suite."

The boys rode up to the 20th floor with the manager. He brought them to a grand set of double doors and unlocked them, ushering the pair in.

Ryan nearly fell over. The view to the infamous fountain and the strip below was spectacular. The suite had an amazing sitting and tv area, along with the huge desk the manager had mentioned. There was a kitchen area with a dining table, although they would only possibly use that for eating room service. He opened the doors to the master bedroom area to see a massive, four-poster bed with amazingly luxurious bedding. In the bathroom, there was a huge soaking tub that would fit both of them easily, along with a two-person shower. This had to be the heaven of honeymoon suites. 

"Oh my God, Ry...this is perfect. Remind me to actually send Pete a thank you card!" Brendon shook his head in amazement.

Ryan nodded, still wide-eyed. "Yeah, no kidding. I definitely will."

"Gentlemen, if everything looks satisfactory, I'll take my leave now. The judge will be here in 15 minutes."

"Ok, thank you so much," Brendon said. "Ry, we gotta get ready!" The manager gave them a nod, and exited the suite. 

"Ok, baby. You can change in the bedroom. I'll take the bathroom." 

The boys hurried to get into their suits and make sure their hair looked presentable. They would ask the judge to take at least a couple pictures of them with one of their phones to commemorate their wedding day. 

Brendon was ready quickly, and found his way out into the sitting area. As he looked at the coffee table, a box caught his eye. He removed the card and opened the box up. Inside were their wedding rings. He bit his lip and held back happy tears as he looked at the beautiful platinum rings. They were inscribed with the date and initials. Ryan's ring had Brendon's new, married initials, and Brendon's ring had Ryan's initials. He opened the card and read:

B & R,

I'm so happy for you both. Here's to love and happiness. Enjoy all of this, worry-free, from your Decaydance family.

Love, 

Pete

"Are those our rings, baby?"

Brendon looked up to see Ryan, looking so handsome, all dressed in his suit...ready to marry him. Brendon rose slowly, nodding his head as a tear finally spilled over, and made his way to his fiancé, taking his hand. 

"Don't cry, baby. This is a happy day." Ryan brushed away Brendon's tears with his thumb, and kissed Brendon's temple. 

"I am happy," Brendon said. "I just can't believe this is happening." He smiled at Ryan through his light tears. 

Ryan cupped his chin and looked into his eyes. "We deserve this. We belong together. And we of all people, have earned it." He kissed Brendon's lips gently.

"You are absolutely right," Brendon agreed when they pulled back. 

Just then, a knock came at the door. Ryan grinned. "Ready to get married?"

Brendon grinned back. "Completely." He took Ryan's hand and they answered the door together.

—-

The judge smiled at them. "By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss your groom."

The boys looked at each other, both with shining eyes and loving smiles. They embraced each other and kissed slowly but passionately, for the first time as a married couple. 

"Congratulations Mr. Ross, Mr. Urie-Ross," the judge said once they parted. "If you can just sign the marriage certificate with me, I'll give you your privacy."

"Of course," Ryan said. He stepped to the table and signed first, then handed the pen to Brendon who had to sign more slowly to get used to his new signature. He smiled up at Ryan once he had accomplished signing his new last name. 

"Thank you so much, Your Honor," Brendon said. 

"My pleasure, boys. May you have a long and happy life together." The judge then turned and swiftly exited the room.

And the newlyweds were alone for the first time. 

"Come here," Brendon said, voice choked up, and reached out for Ryan. Ryan moved swiftly to embrace him. Brendon put his hand softly on Ryan's cheek and looked up at him. "Hi, husband. I love you." He was smiling so hard, he thought his face might break.

Ryan hugged him tighter. "I love you too, and I love the sound of that. Hey, they left us some cider. Do you want a glass, or something to eat?" 

Brendon leaned in and embraced Ryan tighter, then nipped at his neck. "I don't want anything but you right now," he said in a suddenly husky voice. "I feel like I've been waiting forever for this, but my patience is suddenly gone," he said, staring into Ryan's eyes. He moved his hand into Ryan's hair and kissed him fiercely. Ryan responded by grasping his hips firmly, and pulled him closer to his body. 

"Well, I don't want to keep you waiting any longer, baby. Let's head to our bed." He took Brendon's hand and led him toward their bedroom.

As Ryan made sure all the doors were latched and locked, Brendon found the lube and laid  
it out on the nightstand, then turned down the covers. Ryan returned and stood in front of him, beside the bed, as they both toed off their shoes. 

"I love you," Ryan said as he brushed his hand across Brendon's cheek. He took Brendon in his arms and kissed around the shell of his ear. "I wanna make love to my husband now," he whispered to him. 

Brendon whimpered and wrapped his arms around Ryan's neck, replying, "There's nothing I could want more." Ryan found Brendon's lips with his and began to kiss him slowly and gently as they began to undress each other. They pushed off each other's jackets and began loosening each other's ties. Then they stepped back just enough for Brendon to unbutton Ryan shirt and remove it along with his tie, and then Ryan did the same in return to Brendon. 

They pressed back together now that their shirts were gone. They needed to feel their skin flush against one another. Ryan said quietly, "My memories were nothing compared to how amazing you actually feel." He ran his hands slowly down Brendon's back until he reached his ass, where he gently squeezed one of the areas of his husband's body that he loved the most. 

Brendon moaned quietly as Ryan cupped and squeezed his ass, pushing their groins together. Brendon could feel the blood rushing between his legs and he was getting hard, so, so fast. Brendon grasped Ryan's hips and helped pull him into him further. They were both gasping quietly as they felt the friction of their hardened cocks beneath their slacks. Brendon dove for Ryan's lips again and kissed him hard, running his tongue over Ryan's lip until he opened up and took Brendon's tongue in. They kissed deeply and ground into one another for a few more moments until Ryan pulled back and said, "I need you naked, baby. I just want to feel you, so much." Brendon could feel the want surge through his belly at the deep, masculine tone of Ryan's voice, and he moved back far enough to allow Ryan to hastily unbuckle him, and remove both his pants and boxer briefs at the same time. 

"There you are," Ryan growled. He ran his hands from top to bottom down Brendon's back, and this time over his naked ass. Brendon moaned, but said breathily, "No fair...my turn." 

Ryan's skin was crawling with want as his husband drew back and undid his belt, and slowly brought down his trousers and boxers. Then Brendon brought his hand up and cupped Ryan's erection, bringing Ryan to a loud moan. 

"And there you are," Brendon said lowly as he rubbed Ryan. "I missed you. I missed us."

Ryan groaned in pleasure and said, "Me too, baby. Me too. Let's take this into the bed."

They both separated quickly and tugged off their socks so they'd be completely bare for one another. When he finished, Brendon sat on the bed and tugged Ryan down by the hand. Brendon lay back and Ryan leaned over top of him, kissing him strong and fierce and he wove his hands into Brendon's soft hair, and moved to lay in between Brendon's legs.

They worked their hips together, their cocks brushing and bringing them both intense pleasure, their moans echoing in their bedchamber. Ryan kissed down Brendon's neck, until he got to his collarbone. He loved licking and sucking there, as he knew it was a sensitive spot for his husband. 

"Ry, God...you remembered that's my weak spot," Brendon moaned out. 

"Mmm, I intend to find some more, baby." Ryan wanted to know every spot on Brendon's body that turned him on most. He intended to spend the rest of his life trying to find them. 

"I know one of yours," Brendon sighed out, and rolled them over. He kissed down Ryan's jaw and neck slowly, nipping and licking as he went. He made his way to his chest, then took his tongue and slowly licked around Ryan's nipples. 

"Ngh, God, Bren..." Ryan groaned out. Brendon knew just how to touch him, what buttons to push. Ryan didn't know how, but he grew even harder. 

"Ry..." Brendon moaned. "I want you inside, baby."

Ryan kissed him deeply once more and grabbed blindly around the bedside table for the lube. He wasn't willing to separate his lips from Brendon. He flipped them so Brendon lay back on the bed again.

Ryan managed to slick up 3 fingers as they kissed passionately. Then as Ryan kissed down Brendon's chest, he slowly slid the first finger in part of the way. 

Brendon's muscles clenched and resisted, and it was obvious he was tight, but still Brendon let out a gasp of pleasure. Neither of them had had sex in nearly a year and a half, so they knew they wouldn't last long. But they were in it together, and were both willing to rebuild their stamina together. They both knew it was just going to take a lot of attempts to accomplish but were more than happy to put in the work together.. 

Ryan slowly wiggled and slid that first finger in and out until he was able get it in all the way, and Brendon's muscles were starting to loosen. He watched Brendon's face intently to make certain he wasn't hurting him. "You ok, baby?" he asked him.

"Yes," Brendon breathed out. "Feels good and getting better all the time. You can add another."

When Ryan next drew the first finger back he added the second and pushed back in. Brendon's muscles clenched in resistance but loosened much more quickly. Ryan leaned up and kissed his husband as he scissored his fingers and worked them to stretch Brendon open. He then pushed them in deep and crooked them, and Brendon's whole body jolted as he cried out. 

"God, Ry...right there," Brendon gasped out. Ryan always loved it when he found the right spot, hit Brendon's prostate. But now that he was so, so in love with him, all he wanted to do was make him feel as good as possible. He leaned down and took Brendon's cock into his mouth, licking and sucking around the head and tonguing the slit as he drew his fingers back and added in the 3rd. 

"Shit, baby," Brendon panted. "That is so good but I won't last long like this. And I need you baby, please," Brendon begged.

Ryan stretched and scissored his fingers once more and withdrew them slowly. He grabbed the lube again to slick himself up, but Brendon grabbed his wrist. "Let me," he said in a deep, husky voice, leaning up to kiss Ryan deeply yet again. 

Ryan nodded and handed the lube to Brendon, who poured a generous amount into his palm, and slid his hand over Ryan's cock to slick him up. Ryan moaned out loud at the smooth, warm contact, as Brendon's hand slid over him. Once he had been thoroughly coated, Brendon wiped his hand on the sheet and lay back. He gently pulled Ryan down to him, and looked into his eyes. Ryan smiled softly at him, and ran the back of his hand over Brendon's cheekbone, saying, "I love you, B." He took Brendon ankle and placed it on his shoulder. Then he lined himself up, and slowly slid inside Brendon, consummating their marriage. 

Brendon's moan was nearly enough to push Ryan over the edge right then, trembling as he grew accustomed to Ryan being inside him again.

And Ryan had forgotten how intense this sensation was. The warm, slick heat of Brendon's body and the overwhelming tightness was nearly like that of a virgin. "Brendon, my God...you feel so good right now. I missed you so much." 

Brendon panted out, "I missed you too, baby. You can move now."

Ryan started to slowly thrust in and out of his husband, searching for that spot that would make this feel so amazing for Brendon. Ryan knew he himself would feel amazing no matter what, but he wanted to show Brendon that he put his pleasure first. He adjusted his angle slightly with each thrust until Brendon started to moan softly, and push back against his thrusts.

"Almost there, baby," Brendon moaned gently. On the next stroke, Ryan adjusted up just slightly and when he thrust in again, Brendon cried out loud and his body shook violently.

"Fuck, Ry, right there, holy shit," Brendon cried out. It was so intense it was as if Brendon didn't know what he was saying, like he was babbling incoherently.

Ryan moaned at hearing Brendon feeling that much pleasure because of him. He kept that angle and picked up the pace a bit, thrusting in harder than before. Brendon was moaning nearly constantly now.

"Fucking hell, baby," Ryan gasped. "You're so beautiful. God, you feel fucking good." Both men were getting close. 

Ryan slipped a hand between them and began to stroke Brendon in time to his thrusts, which were getting ragged. "Oh God, Ry...feels too good...I can't hold on much longer...."

"Let go, baby," Ryan panted."I wanna see you come, see you feel so good." Ryan twisted his wrist on the upstroke and ran his thumb over Brendon's slit again, and that was it. Brendon was coming between them, and crying out Ryan's name. He had wrapped his legs tight around Ryan's waist and was bucking his hips up as he rode out his orgasm. Ryan felt Brendon's muscles clenching around him, and he was gone. He tipped over the edge, and came deep inside his husband, with a deep groan. 

Their bodies began to slow down their thrusts until they came to a still. They gazed into each other's eyes, smiling, and wiped sweaty hair away from each other's brows. They remained joined, most content to continue to be one for a while longer, and began to make out slowly for several minutes. After finally peppering Brendon's face all over with butterfly kisses, Ryan pulled out as gently as he could. He lay down beside Brendon and pulled him into his arms, with Brendon pillowing his head on Ryan's shoulder, laying an arm across his chest. 

Ryan petted his hair slowly and pressed a kiss to his temple. "You ok, baby?", Ryan asked in concern.

Brendon smiled and kissed Ryan's shoulder softly. "I'm great. That was amazing, love."

Ryan grinned though Brendon couldn't see it. "Mmm, same here. We started our whole life together tonight. I can't help but look forward to our future now, Brendon Urie-Ross."

Brendon grinned widely. "I love the sound of that. I feel the same way."

Ryan hummed his agreement. "Let me clean us up, and then let's sleep until whenever we wake up tomorrow. I am now officially worn out." 

Brendon nodded, "Good idea."

Ryan pecked his nose. "You stay here and I'll be right back. You just let me take care of you." Ryan crossed the room to the en-suite bathroom. Brendon grinned to himself as he checked out his husband's naked body as he walked.

Ryan returned quickly with a warm, damp cloth, and cleaned up their stickiness. Sex was messier without condoms, but it was so much more sensitive that way, and they felt closer and more connected. Neither wanted to use a condom with their husband, so they were willing to put up with a little mess. 

Ryan tossed the cloth into the bathroom and quickly returned to the bed, spooning up behind Brendon. "I love you, my baby," he said. "Sleep well, beautiful."

Brendon turned his head and caught his lips for a kiss. "Mmm, you too, gorgeous. G'night, love."

Brendon reached over and clicked out the lamp and they settled in. Both were asleep within just a couple of minutes, warm and comfortable and content in the arms of their soulmate.


	16. Chapter 16

Brendon slowly drifted into consciousness, aware vaguely of how warm, comfortable and relaxed he felt. He blinked his eyes open slowly to feel someone behind him and an arm draped around him protectively. He would have recognized that long limb anywhere: Ryan's. And then the night before came flooding back to him.

The smile spread across his face instantly. Holy shit, they were married! He still couldn't believe it; it just seemed so surreal. They had their first contact with each other in over a year, just under three months ago. Their love didn't develop during that time, as much as it re-emerged, stronger than ever before. He knew a lot of people were going to say they rushed into their marriage, but it was what was right for them. Very little about their relationship was conventional, anyway. 

He could feel Ryan's soft breathing against the back of his neck, so he could tell he was still sleeping. He had no intention of disturbing his husband. They were up so late the night before (though it was totally worth it). They were on their honeymoon. They didn't have to hurry or stress in any way, shape or form, which was a nice change for both of them. Brendon was content to just lay there in Ryan's arms, resting and enjoying his happy thoughts. 

After a while, he held out his left hand to admire his wedding ring. He knew he'd be admiring Ryan's a lot in the near future. He loved how the shiny, platinum band looked on his finger, and what it stood for: that they'd be together for the rest of their lives. He sighed, deeply content. 

A short time later, he heard a soft hum, and felt gentle stirring behind him. He slowly rolled over in Ryan's arms, only to be met with his husband's beautiful whiskey eyes. "Good morning, love," Brendon smiled. "Sleep well?" 

Ryan smiled sleepily at him. "Mmm-hmm. Better than ever, with you here." He moved forward slightly and pecked Brendon's lips. 

"I know exactly what you mean. I've only been awake for a few minutes. I was happy to just lay here snuggled up to you." Brendon reached over and carded through Ryan's adorable bed hair. "But I wanted you to sleep as long as you were able."

"Thank you, baby. I feel so nicely rested, " Ryan said. He ran his hand up and down Brendon's exposed arm. 

"I'm glad, babe. What do you want to do right now? Want to order food? I could go for something to eat."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed. "Let's do that. If they're gonna be long enough, we can grab a shower together."

"Sounds like a great idea," Brendon nodded. He looked at the menu and told Ryan what he wanted so he could call down and order it. Then he went to the bathroom while Ryan made the call.

When he came back from washing his hands, he asked Ryan, "How long?"

"They said 45 minutes to an hour," Ryan said. 

"Well, that's plenty of time for a shower...what?" Brendon smiled at Ryan's mischievous expression, and then noticed how Ryan's eyes were running all over his body. 

"Maybe...I don't want to strictly get clean," Ryan grinned. 

Brendon grinned back and crawled over to him. "Oh yeah?" he asked, kissing Ryan's lips softly. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well," he began, kissing down Brendon's jaw, "I did tell you last night there was something I wanted you to do for me..."

"Mmmm," Brendon hummed in pleasure, Ryan now kissing his neck. "You think we have time?" 

Ryan nodded, "Remember, we're still out of shape, so to speak. We're definitely going to need lots of practice." He grinned at Brendon again as he kissed the hollow of his throat. 

"Especially me," Brendon said shyly.

Ryan looked up at him, "What do you mean, baby? Why would you be any different than me?"

"Well, babe...I've never done this before." When Ryan looked confused, Brendon clarified: "Honey, I've never topped before."

"Oh baby, I didn't think about that! I don't want to do that for the first time in the shower then. And I definitely don't want to do it when we could possibly be in a rush. Let's wait until a while later, ok? We have all the time in the world. I mean, soon, but I just don't want to hurry you." Ryan felt a twinge of regret at never having allowed Brendon that when they were together before, but that past was dead and buried. They were like a completely new couple now. 

Brendon looked relieved. "Thank you, Ry. I'd like to be able to not be in a hurry with the first time we do that. It'll be special for both of us."

Ryan smiled lovingly. "Yes it will. But we have plenty of time to actually get cleaned up now. We might as well bring the robes with us into the bathroom...I don't see us getting dressed today for a long while." He winked at Brendon, who laughed. 

"Agreed, babe."

So they ran the shower and warmed it up, then got in together. There were waterfall shower heads on both sides of the larger shower. They took turns washing each other's hair and bodies, stopping periodically to kiss and caress for a while, and it was so relaxing for both of them. After about 20 minutes both boys emerged refreshed and wrapped in fluffy white robes.

They turned on the TV in the bedroom and when the food came, they brought the tray over to the bed. They both had coffee and orange juice, and shared scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns and a couple of pancakes. They fed each other, kissed when the mood struck them, and laughed over things they saw on TV: just taking the time to be silly and romantic together. 

A little while later, they were just laid snuggled up together, watching whatever they found interesting on television and relaxing. Then Brendon's phone began to ring. He looked at Ryan, who said, "Answer it, it's fine."

Brendon looked at the called ID: Spencer. "Oh God, it's Spence. This should be good. I'm going to put it on speaker but stay quiet until it's obvious he knows you're with me, ok?"

Ryan giggled. "'Kay!"

Brendon composed himself, answered and put it on speaker. "Hello?"

"Brendon Boyd Urie! Just where the hell are you??"

Brendon's lips twitched in danger of laughing. "What do you mean, Spence?"

"What I mean, is that we are flying out of here in 30 minutes and you are missing! I know you were with Ryan last night, so are you still at his place?"

"No, not at Ryan's apartment." Brendon didn't offer any more.

"Okay...?" Spencer's bitchy mom tone was in full effect. "Well what the fuck is going on? Both Pete and Zack said I should call you to find out what's up!"

"Ohhh!", Brendon said, playing dumb. "Well, I am with Ryan." Ryan was smirking at Brendon, so amused at Spencer's expense. 

"I swear to God, Brendon...you are gonna miss the flight back home and have to pay to fly yourself back to LA!"

"No, I don't think that is going to be a problem, Spence." Brendon grinned at Ryan, and Ryan had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing out loud. This was too much fun. 

"Brendon...", Spencer sighed heavily. The couple could visualise Spencer pinching the bridge of his nose. "Where in the actual fuck are you?"

"Um, let's see...I'm at the Bellagio in Vegas."

"YOU'RE WHERE!?! What in the ever-loving fuck are you doing there??" Spencer sounded like if he could come through the phone and strangle Brendon, he would. 

"Um, laying on the bed with Ryan in our very special room." Brendon was close to cracking up. 

"What, did you feel like losing your ass at gambling even worse than you did at poker earlier this week?" Spencer asked frustratedly. Then it registered with Spencer what Brendon had said. "Wait...wait a minute...your very special room? What's so special about it? What kind of special room?" 

"Oh, just our honeymoon suite." Brendon smiled a blinding smile over at Ryan before Spencer erupted. 

"OH MY FUCKING GOD - ARE YOU SERIOUS!?", Spencer shrieked. Brendon and Ryan finally burst out laughing, partly because they could hear the other guys groaning and bitching over Spencer's outburst in the close quarters of the plane.

"Yes. I'm serious. Ryan and I got married early this morning."

"Oh my God - that is crazy! And amazing! It's both. Hold on, I'm putting you on speaker." Spencer made the switch to speaker phone. "Ok, guys. Dallon and Mike are here." The two other guys said their hellos. "Ok, guys, you are not going to believe this. Bren, tell them what you just told me.

"Hey guys. So overnight, Ryan and I flew to Vegas and got married."

"Whoa!" shouted Dallon.

"Holy shit!" Mike hollered.

"Yeah, that's about what I expected," Brendon said, laughing. Ryan chuckled along too. "I guess after we get off of here, I'll make Ryan call Jon and tell him, so he's not left out. And by the way: Zack and Pete totally knew. They helped."

"Bastards..." Spencer muttered under his breath. "Well, listen. I won't keep you. You guys have more important things to be doing."

"Like each other," Ryan murmured. Brendon smirked and punched him lightly in the shoulder. Ryan laughed. 

"Ok, Spence. Don't expect me back to LA for about 3 weeks. When I get back, I'll have my better half in tow, and we'll be moving me out as soon as we can choose a place together."

"Ok...Makes sense though. Do you know where you guys are going yet, on your honeymoon?" Spencer asked. 

"Nope. We're gonna decide today or tomorrow. No rush really," Ryan said. 

"Ok guys. I'm so happy for you. I love you both."

"We love you too! Have a good flight." Brendon hit end on the call. "That was way too much fun," he laughed.

"Yep," Ryan chuckled. "Let's get Jon now."

—-

"Nuh-uh. You did not," Jon said.

"I swear we did," Ryan returned.

"You're bullshitting me....aren't you?" Jon couldn't believe Ryan and Brendon would have eloped like that. 

"I promise, Jon," Brendon said. "You want me to text you a pic of the marriage certificate? I go by Brendon Urie-Ross now."

Jon was quiet a minute, then said, "Well, I'll be damned. And Cass was right, too!"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

"Last night as you were leaving, Cassie said she had a some woman's intuition that something big was gonna happen with you two. I think I'm gonna open a psychic hotline with her!"

Brendon burst out laughing, as Ryan said amusedly, "You do that, buddy."

"Listen, we're gonna go; but we'll text when we know where we're going. We'll be back in NYC in just over 2 weeks to pack up Ryan and get him moved. We love you, dude." Brendon was ready to stop talking on the phone, and maybe make out a little with his husband. 

"Ok, love you guys too. Enjoy yourselves, like you need me to tell you," Jon chuckled.

Ryan chuckled back, "Goodbye, Jonny." Brendon hit end again, and they shook their heads at each other. 

—-

A little while later, Brendon had gotten his wish: he was presently making out with his husband, and it was getting little hot and heavy. They were on the couch in the sitting room, as they had moved out to take in the view from their spectacular window in the daytime. Then they started touching, and well...newlyweds. 

"Babe," Brendon breathed as Ryan kept kissing his neck, driving him insane, "let's go back to the bed. Naked sounds good again."

Ryan chuckled even as he kept ravishing his husband, "Honestly, when doesn't it?" He gave Brendon's lips another kiss before standing and offering his hand. Brendon stood and followed Ryan to their bedroom. 

Brendon grinned. "As long as it's with you, it always sounds great." He undid the belt and dropped his robe for his husband, enjoying how Ryan's eyes roved over him, before quickly grabbing Ryan by the belt of his robe and doing away with it for him. 

"Mmm, baby...I have an idea," Ryan said as he embraced Brendon again. "Take a pillow and put it behind your back against the headboard, then lean back against it. I want to get in your lap."

Brendon couldn't move quickly enough. "God, yes," he choked out. He set up just as Ryan asked him to, and Ryan got above him, straddling his hips, then sat in Brendon's lap. They were both hard already, so Ryan scooted forward slightly, and their cocks were brushing together. 

"Oh fuck yes," Ryan gasped out. "That's what I wanted." He dove back onto Brendon's lips with his. Ryan then looped his arms around Brendon's neck, while Brendon went to grasp his hips tightly. They started grinding their hips together for friction. 

"Oh yeah," Brendon moaned back. "That's so good." He pulled Ryan as close as he could bring him, their kisses deep and wet, their tongues constantly caressing. 

Ryan leaned next to his ear and said, "Want to make love to me now?"

Brendon looked into his eyes and nodded. "Yes, absolutely. But you have to direct me with what you want baby, since this is new to me."

Ryan nodded and ran his hands through Brendon's hair, kissing him hotly again. "My best advice is just to do to me what you like done to you. That should work out perfectly," Ryan murmured against his lips. 

Brendon nodded and kissed Ryan again. He brought his hands to Ryan's shoulders, then slid his palms down Ryan's chest slowly, until he reached where his thumbs could circle Ryan's nipples. Ryan let out a little moan and pulled Brendon close.

"Bren baby...can I ride you? I'd love to look right in your eyes during, " Ryan panted out. 

Brendon groaned loudly. "Fuck, that's hot, Ry. I'd love that. I wanna watch how good I can make you feel." They worked their hips together for another long moment.

"Ok baby," Ryan panted, "If we keep this up, I'm going to come. Can you stretch me now?" Brendon nodded and Ryan reached for the lube. He took Brendon's hand and slicked up 3 fingers, and then kissed him again. They both vaguely noticed how hard it was for them to not kiss in the midst of their passion. 

Brendon was so overcome by his lust at the role reversal that he could barely think straight. "Lift up a little so I can reach under you, baby," Brendon instructed. When Ryan had moved, Brendon circled his entrance with the first finger and gently eased the tip inside. He moved it in and out slowly until he was able to get it all the way inside and then he was able to draw it in and out in long strokes as he watched Ryan to see how he was feeling.

"'Mmm, Bren," Ryan moaned and kissed his neck and shoulder, "that feels so good. Add the second."

Brendon teased Ryan with the tip of his second finger briefly and then inserted both together. Ryan gasped and threw his head back, working his hips above Brendon's hand. Brendon could not remember feeling this ridiculously turned on ever before. After he moved the fingers in and out several times, he kissed Ryan hard, then began to scissor those fingers to open him up more. Before Ryan could even respond, Brendon came back with the third finger. 

"Baby, you are so good at that," Ryan breathed into his ear, his hands grasping Brendon's shoulders. The next time in, Brendon pushed the fingers as deep as he could and bent them, searching. Finally he connected with a firm bud inside Ryan's body and Ryan shook and cried out."Oh God, Brendon ...I want you."

Brendon withdrew his fingers slowly, handing the lube to Ryan. "I want you to slick me up this time," Brendon said, voice husky.

Ryan kissed him deeply again first. "Of course, baby." He filled his palm, then stroked over Brendon, who groaned at the slick touch. Ryan got him thoroughly coated, somehow getting him slightly harder in the process. 

"Come here," Brendon said deep and commandingly, his pupils so blown his eyes were nearly black with lust. Ryan shivered at Brendon taking charge like that. It was new for both of them, and they both liked it. 

Ryan followed Brendon's instruction and brought his body closer. Brendon held himself by the base of his cock and Ryan got himself lined up with the head pressing directly against him. Then he slowly sunk down until he had Brendon in him to the hilt. 

Brendon's mouth dropped open and he sucked in a sharp breath. "Oh my God," he cried breathily. He had never felt anything like that. It was tight and hot and slick and...perfect. He was glad to never have had this with anyone but his husband; that made it extra-special.

Ryan trembled as he got used to his husband inside his body. "God, Bren...I love you," he breathed. "It feels good to have you in me." 

"Ry, it feels so good to be in you. You feel so fucking amazing right now." Brendon was breathing hard, and he looked awed and overwhelmed and completely turned on. 

Ryan worked his hips with the tiniest movements. "Can I start to move more?" he asked.

"Yes, baby. I don't know how long I'll last but..."

"I can't last too long myself," Ryan breathed with a whine. "It feels so good already."

He started to make bigger but still slow movements with his hips. Brendon grasped his hips with his hands, but ducked his head and sucked on Ryan's chest and nipples.

" Oh fuck, Bren..that is so good." Brendon loved the turned on whine in Ryan's voice.

"I wanna find what makes it even better," Brendon panted, voice deep with lust. He began shifting the angle of his hips so that when he got it right, he would slam right into Ryan's prostate. 

It only took about four tries, and then Ryan was moaning and crying out, Brendon having been successful. "Oh God, Bren," Ryan cried out, "that is too good. I can't handle it for long."

Brendon groaned, put a hand on Ryan's back, and pulled Ryan's chest flush with his. He then gripped Ryan hip tightly and groaned, "Neither can I baby, so let's go hard right now. " With that he kept the angle then same but started thrusting his hips faster and harder, using his grip on Ryan to pull him down on to him. 

"Oh my God," Ryan cried out, clearly in pleasure. Brendon moved the hand from Ryan's back to start stroking Ryan's cock but he didn't even get two full strokes in before Ryan cried out loudly, doubled over onto Brendon and came on both their stomachs. That sight was all Brendon needed to be sent over the edge. Ryan gasped in surprise: he had never felt what it was like to have his partner come inside him before, and it was so amazing to experience that with his husband. 

They rode out the pleasure together, their hips gradually slowing and finally stopping. Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan and embraced him tightly, still joined. They kissed slowly and gently for a while, until Brendon leaned back and brushed the sweaty hair from Ryan's from his forehead.

"I hope that was ok..." he said shyly to his husband.

Ryan leaned back and looked incredulously at Brendon. "Baby, that was more than ok. That's one of my favorite times we've ever made love."

Brendon looked surprised. "Really? I mean, I loved it, but I'm really glad you did too."

Ryan nodded. "You were amazing. You made me feel so good, and I liked you being all commanding with me. It was really hot." He grinned at his husband.

Brendon blushed and grinned back. "I guess I just went with what I felt."

"Well, that was a good instinct. I'll officially go on record as saying I like that. You were so sexy." Ryan's grin grew mischievous.

"Good, baby. I just wanna make you feel amazing. Now come here and kiss me." 

Ryan listened to his husband, and he leaned in and kissed him passionately.

—-

After a quick cleanup, they decided to nap, as they were spent after such intense lovemaking. Ryan held Brendon as he slept on his shoulder for the remainder of the afternoon. 

They woke up slowly again, Ryan first this time. He enjoyed just watching his beautiful husband sleep. He thought about how he'd get to do that the rest of their lives, and smiled contentedly. 

Brendon began to stir slightly, moving around a bit. Ryan began carding through his hair with his free hand. Brendon then blinked his chocolate eyes open and smiled at Ryan.

"Hey," he said around a yewn, "been awake long?" 

"Nope. Maybe 5 minutes." Ryan pecked his cheek.

"Good," Brendon said. "I love napping with you."

"Mmm, me too," Ryan agreed. "We should enjoy as much of that as we can on this honeymoon. We'll be missing that when we're busy again."

Brendon smiled and nodded. "So I was thinking: wanna get those plans made to get out of Vegas? This isn't really our town. We don't gamble much, and we don't drink or party hard anymore."

"Yeah," Ryan nodded. "Let's get to somewhere we'll both love. But where is that?"

"Well, let's take a pad of paper and just brainstorm. I'm sure we can come to a compromise if needed," Brendon said.

"Yep, I could be happy a lot of places as long as I'm with you.," Ryan grinned.

—-

An hour later, they had a bit of a short list together: 

London   
Paris  
Hawaii  
Jamaica

"Well," Brendon said, "two of these places are more for sightseeing and activities than the natural surroundings, and two are more about the ocean and the natural scenery. Are we really going to want to get out and do a ton of sightseeing?"

"Probably not," Ryan agreed. "I'm more interested in sleeping in and beautiful views. Maybe some romantic sunset walks. And oh man...I'd love to leave the balcony door open so we can hear the waves while we make love."

"'Mmm, that sounds amazing," Brendon agreed. "But we're not very quiet. We might scar the other tourists!" Ryan burst out laughing at that. 

"Fair point. But it sounds like the ocean locations are better. Which one?"

"Well, Mom is from Hawaii. We're part Polynesian. It'd be kind of neat to see, since there's a personal connection. Can we go there?"

Ryan smiled and kissed Brendon's forehead. "Consider it done. Let me call down for dinner reservations, then I'll call the concierge to tell him we're coming to set this up before dinner, ok?"

"Perfect. I'll get dressed and be ready to go. I'll be looking so forward to 10 or so days in Hawaii with you all alone, love." Brendon took Ryan's hand and kissed his knuckles.

"Me too, baby. A time for us to relax, completely reconnect and make love to each other as much as we want before the crazy in our life gets back to full swing," Ryan laughed.

"True," Brendon chuckled, "but even the crazy is more bearable with you there with me." 

Ryan nodded his agreement and kissed his husband's lips


	17. Chapter 17

  The boys were strolling down the beach hand in hand, taking in the brilliant watercolor skies as sunset made its way over Maui. It was their last night there before they flew back to New York to wrap up that phase of Ryan's life there, and then take on the daunting task of dealing with Brendon's parents before moving Ryan out to LA with Brendon.

   "I can't believe how quickly our time here went," Brendon lamented, squeezing Ryan's hand.  "Seems like we just got here. I'm not sure I'm ready to face the real world again yet," he chuckled.

Ryan squeezed his hand back. "I know what you mean. Despite all the good things in our lives, I wish I could just stay here with you like this forever, baby." He looked over at Brendon and smiled.

  Brendon stopped walking and tugged Ryan's hand to pull him close. Ryan pressed his body up against Brendon, and Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist, and laid his head on his shoulder. 

"Ry, these past two weeks have been the best time of my life. And I know how lucky I already was. I just love you so much, and I can feel your love for me all the time. I just never dreamed I'd get to marry the love of my life." Brendon was choking up slightly.

  Ryan had brought his arms around Brendon's shoulders to hold him close. He took one hand and tilted Brendon's chin up so he could look into his eyes. "Bren,"' Ryan said shakily, "you are everything to me. I am so fortunate to be loved by someone so amazing. We belong together." 

  Brendon was smiling, his eyes shining with unshed happy tears, and he nodded his agreement. Ryan leaned down and kissed him slowly and sweetly. They kissed for several long moments, then Ryan drew back and said gently, "You ready to head to dinner, sweetheart?"

  Brendon chuckled and nodded. "Yes, actually. I'm starving. I feel like I've been hungry constantly these past two weeks. Probably because someone keeps working me out." He grinned evilly and winked. 

  Ryan laughed as they separated and clasped hands again to walk to the restaurant. "Well, I'm just thinking of our health, baby," he said facetiously.

  Brendon nodded in faux seriousness. "Of course!" he said with a crooked grin. "Now let's eat!" 

—-

  After dinner, the boys headed back to their suite, and made sure they had everything they knew they wouldn't need packed up for their flight the next day. Then they changed into pajamas and settled into bed to watch a movie and just relax together. 

  Ryan lay propped up against the headboard, and Brendon lay right in front of him, with Ryan's arms wrapped snugly around him. One of the things both boys loved about being married and being together full-time again was the comfort of simply touching and cuddling each other so much. Over the course of their honeymoon the two had bonded and intertwined their lives so tightly, there was no question to either one that despite getting married quickly, they hadn't rushed it. They were ready, and neither had ever been happier.

  Over the course of the movie, without even realizing he was doing it, Ryan's touching of Brendon just kept increasing. First it started with Ryan petting Brendon's arms. Then his hands found their way beneath the hem of Brendon's shirt, and he softly stroked the skin of Brendon's belly. Before he knew it, he was nuzzling Brendon's neck, and placing soft kisses there. In a little while, Brendon slowly tipped his head up to look at him with a soft, loving smile, and kissed him. They pecked soft, slow kisses, until Brendon turned sideways, and sat on Ryan's lap. Ryan took Brendon back in his arms and kissed him, longer and deeper. Brendon brought one hand to cradle Ryan's face as their tongues caressed sweetly. 

  They broke for air, and Ryan started breathily, "Bren—".

  Brendon brought one finger up to Ryan's lips to silence him, and looked deep in his eyes, smiling the smile he only gave to Ryan. Ryan smiled back, understanding: Brendon didn't want to talk - he wanted to look into each other's eyes, to feel and sense what Ryan wanted, and the same in return. It was unbearably hot and sweet at the same time.

  Ryan pulled at Brendon's legs until he got the message and turned fully to face him, straddling his husband. Ryan tugged Brendon's shirt up until he moved his arms for Ryan to discard it, then he rid Ryan of his shirt. They pressed flush together, and Ryan ran his hands slowly up and down Brendon's back, while Brendon pecked soft kisses down Ryan's jaw, onto his neck. 

  Feeling his desire for Brendon grow and take over, he slid his hands down to Brendon's ass, and pulled his husband into him as he bucked his hips up. Their moans and gasps filled the bedroom, and Brendon wound his hands into Ryan's soft brown curls as they resumed kissing, more fiercely than before.

  Ryan then wrapped a hand around the back of Brendon's head, and the other around his back. He leaned forward and gently laid Brendon back on the bed. He then moved to lean over top of his husband, and started kissing down his body: his jaw, to his neck, down his chest to his belly button and came to a rest just above his pant line. 

  Ryan tucked long fingers beneath the pj pants and boxer briefs and slowly worked them down and off Brendon's body, leaving him bare. Ryan sat back on his heels and ran his hands over Brendon's body, admiring the beauty of the man he loved more than anything. He locked eyes with Brendon, and they smiled at one another. 

  Ryan leaned back down and licked and nibbled over Brendon's hip bones. He kissed down to Brendon's legs, and gently used his hands to part them so he could kiss and nip at the tender skin of his inner thighs. Brendon moaned and moved beneath him, and Ryan could see his arousal: his erection was hard against his belly, and leaking.

  Ryan wanted to make this about making Brendon feel as good as possible. He wanted to lavish Brendon's body with all the love he felt for him in his heart. He kissed back up his thighs until he reached Brendon's cock. He gently wrapped his hand around the base, and starting there, he licked a long, hot line up to the head. He placed his mouth over the head and twirled his tongue around it, to Brendon's hot moaning.

Brendon placed a hand back into Ryan's hair. Not to push or force him, but to card through the strands lovingly, and just to feel him. Ryan took him further into his mouth, hollowed his cheeks, and began bobbing his head up and down. 

  Brendon writhed from the pleasure Ryan gave him. He felt like he could nearly cry at how good he felt. And not just because it felt physically amazing; because this is something Ryan would never do when they were together before, and he could tell Ryan wanted to do it for him now out of his love for him.

  It didn't take long for Brendon to be completely on the edge of orgasm. He didn't want their intimacy to be over, so he gently touched Ryan's shoulder and pushed him back. When Ryan pulled up and sat back on his heels again, Brendon sat up and kissed him urgently. Brendon moved to sit up on his own heels, and reached for Ryan's pants and boxers. Ryan got the message, and without breaking their kiss, shed his remaining clothes himself. When they broke for air, Brendon dove for the bedside table and came back with the lube. He quickly dispensed some into his palm, and moved straight onto slicking Ryan up. 

  Ryan groaned at the slick contact. Once he was thoroughly slick, Brendon moved onto his back again and tugged at Ryan's hand. Brendon didn't need any preparation this time, because they had already had sex a couple of times today, and he was comfortable enough to go without. Ryan leaned forward, and put his hand on Brendon's cheek as he rested on his other elbow, and held eye contact. They smiled at one another again, enjoying the intensity of being this intimate without talking. 

  Ryan moved to pull Brendon's legs around his waist. He brought his hips forward and gently pushed inside. Brendon let out a breathy moan in the pleasure of being connected to Ryan again. He wrapped his arms around Ryan's neck, and they locked eyes as they made love. 

  Ryan took Brendon slowly, but it was just as intense as when it was harder or faster. They moved wordlessly, working their hips together. Ryan shifted until he found the angle that would bring his husband the best possible pleasure. When they got close, Ryan reached up and laced a hand with Brendon. They had never felt this close or connected before. 

With Ryan laying on top Brendon like he was, Brendon didn't even need Ryan to touch him, with his cock receiving the friction of their two bodies. He felt his body wind up tight, and then release, coming between them. He cried out Ryan's name, and Ryan, who was already so close, was pushed over the edge by the tightening of Brendon's muscles around him and the sound of his pleasure. He came hard with a long groan, and his hips bucked forward, riding it out together with his husband. 

  Ryan gently pulled out, and they rolled to their sides, tangling together. They looked at each other with wonder as they caught their breath, amazed at how intense that had been.

  "Oh my God, Ry...that was amazing." Brendon said in quiet awe, eyes wide. 

  "Baby, I don't think I've ever felt that connected to you before. That was beautiful."  Ryan was blown away, and he smiled lovingly at Brendon as he carded through his hair. 

  Brendon leaned forward and kissed Ryan gently. "You know what the best part is?" he asked quietly

  Ryan raised an eyebrow. "What's that, baby?"

  Brendon smiled back softly, "It's only gonna get better because he have our whole lives to love and learn each other."

  Ryan laughed out of joy. "Then you're right: it is only gonna get better." He leaned over and kissed Brendon, full of love and emotion. 

—-

  A little while later, shortly before they were going to go to sleep, they decided to have a nice warm soak in the marble two-person tub in their bathroom. They made a pact that they would get cleaned up and stay cleaned up, since they had to get up early to get to the airport.

  "Mmm, babe," Brendon said. "Soaking in here together is so relaxing. When we pick out our place in LA, we should look for a place with one of these!" He looked up at Ryan from where he was laying back on his chest, winking at him with a grin.

  Ryan chuckled. "That would be nice! I am glad you brought that up, though: tomorrow, while we're flying home, we should spend some of that time getting a list together of what we want in our new place, and what kind of budget we have to work with. I have some savings, but right now, I'm not exactly brining in any money, baby."

  Brendon shook his head. "Don't worry about that, hon. That'll be solved before long at all. Pete will already have your and Jon's contracts ready by the time we get to LA. You'll have income again really quickly. Plus, once we go off break, we'll start writing again. With you and Jon helping, you'll have writing credit on the new album, and you'll get royalties too. Don't worry about it."

  Brendon felt Ryan relax. "Good. I don't want you having to support me."

  "Well, I won't have to, but you know I would. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine." Brendon smiled softly at him.

  "I know you're right, Bren. We're in this life together as equals, as we should be." Ryan leaned down and kissed Brendon's forehead. 

  "You know it," Brendon said. "Now let's finish cleaning up, because we gotta get to bed, and I'm ready to snuggle you!" He giggled and booped Ryan's nose with some bubbles. 

"Ok, silly," Ryan chuckled and moved to wash Brendon's hair for him.

—-

The boys were standing on their balcony hand in hand, watching the beginnings of the sunrise. The bellman had just come and taken their bags down except for their carry ons, and the boys were just taking a last glance at their honeymoon paradise.

  "Babe," Ryan said, slipping his arm around Brendon's waist, "I will remember this for the rest of my life. This was amazing."

  Brendon nodded, and smiled softly. "It was better than I could have ever dreamed. And the best part is that it was with you." He leaned over and pecked Ryan's lips. "We should go. Time to start our lives back in the real world together."

  Ryan nodded as they turned, clasped hands again, and walked out of the room.


	18. Chapter 18

  It was 2 am New York time by the time Ryan and Brendon practically fell into Ryan's Manhattan apartment. They were so tired after their long day of travel. They had flown from Honolulu to Denver, where they had a few hours of layover time before boarding their flight to JFK. Then they had to flag down a cab, load it and ride the 20 minutes home. They were beat.

  "Oh thank God," Ryan grumbled as they got in the door and let their bags drop. "Bren, can you lock the door?" 

  "Uh-huh," Brendon grunted. That was about as intelligent as his speech got at the moment, but he did manage to deadbolt and chain the door.

  "Babe, I'm gonna brush my teeth and use the bathroom really quick, then I'll clear out for you, ok?" Ryan was moving as quick as his brain and body would allow so he could get into bed as quickly as possible. Another "uh-huh" was the only response his husband could muster. 

  Ryan did just as he said and was out in under 5 minutes. Brendon was sitting on his side of the bed, already stripped down to his underwear. As soon as Ryan came out, Brendon stood, gave him a quick hug, and maneuvered past him to the bathroom. He too was in and out quickly.

  Ryan had followed Brendon's lead and just stripped down to his boxers. It was summer, and they had covers and each other's body heat so they wouldn't be cold. Plus, they had grown accustomed to sleeping naked together many nights, so it wasn't a problem anyway.

  "Baby, listen before you pass out, ok?" Ryan said to Brendon as he got into the bed.

  "Mmm-hmm," Brendon replied as he was moving to lay on his side so Ryan could spoon with him. 

  "I'm not turning on an alarm. We'll wake up whenever we wake up and then go get food. Then we can start packing and you can call your parents, ok?"

  Brendon let out a huge yawn, then said, " 'Kay."

  Ryan chuckled. "Good night, baby. I love you."

  Brendon burrowed in further to Ryan's body. "Mmmm...love you too." He kissed Ryan's arm, then closed his eyes. He was asleep in under a minute, Ryan could tell. Ryan smiled to himself at how much he loved their domesticity already as he felt himself drifting off pleasantly.

 

——

 

  It was well after noon before they both woke up. Ryan woke first, so he sauntered into the kitchen and made some coffee. At least he still had that around. 

  He pulled up his laptop and started to reconnect with the outside world. He wanted to go check out the press that Decaydance had done about Mike and Dallon's departures, just to be educated about how it was presented. 

  It turned out to be completely straightforward. There was nothing to spin to make it look better, so they didn't. Both men's stories were presented as they were, pure and simple. The fans seemed to be taking it well.

  What he found next though, in results for Panic, caught him off-guard. Apparently, some paparazzi had caught sight of him and Brendon while they were still in Las Vegas. It was nothing scandalous or controversial; just he and Brendon walking somewhere in the Bellagio, holding hands and smiling adoringly at each other. They were pretty crappy photos, to be honest, but they still made him chuckle. Sometimes, he forgot his husband was famous and that very soon, he would be too. The gossip sites were having a field day trying to figure out who Ryan was and what the exact nature of their relationship was. Boy, Ryan thought, they're gonna be good and shocked when they find out the real story! Ryan smiled and shook his head.

  "What ya doin', babe?" An adorable, sleepy Brendon came out of the bedroom area and plopped next to Ryan on the couch. Ryan pulled him in with one hand and pressed a kiss to his head as Brendon rubbed his still-sleepy eyes.

  "Well, I started out looking at the press Pete did for Dallon and Mike leaving, but ended up with pictures of me and this sexy guy walking around holding hands in Vegas," Ryan grinned.

  "Huh?" Brendon's brain wasn't quite awake this morning, so Ryan showed him. Brendon started laughing. "Man, those photos suck!" 

  Ryan laughed back. "Tell me about it. But, they don't seem to have any of us in Hawaii, not yet anyway. I guess we're gonna have to put out some kind of statement or press release."

  "Yeah, I was gonna call Pete about that this afternoon. I didn't really want to do it until I talk to my parents. Or rather, until we talk to my parents. Sorry...old habits..." Brendon seemed embarrassed at having forgotten to include Ryan when it can to dealing with his family. 

  "Don't worry, babe. I get it," Ryan assured. "Are you nervous?"

  "A little," Brendon admitted. "I'm not gonna lie — they're gonna be pissed, if for no other reason than I eloped and didn't allow them to be at my wedding."

  "Well, after everything, they're likely to be pissed at least at first that you married me. But I owe it to you and to them to put their fears to rest about that."

  "Baby, thank you for understanding. They are forgiving people. If they can see even a fraction of how much you love me now, they'll forgive quickly." Brendon leaned over and hugged Ryan tightly. "Now...there was talk of food this morning?"

Ryan nodded. "Want to walk to that little coffee shop near Jon's?" 

  "Sure. Just let me get dressed and throw on a hat and some sunglasses and we can go."

—-

  After they returned from their meal, Brendon decided to get calling his parents and arranging a visit over with. Ryan gave him his privacy.

  The phone rang four times then connected. "Hello?" Brendon's mother had answered.

  "Mom, hi!"

  "Brendon! Hi, honey! So nice to hear from you. Are you enjoying your break?"

  Brendon smiled to himself; his mom had no idea how much he'd enjoyed his break so far. "Yes, mom, a lot. I've been able to relax a whole bunch."

  "That's great, sweetie. So what's new?"

  Brendon took a deep breath. "Well, actually, I'm in town for a couple of days."

  "You are!? That's wonderful. You'll come see us, right?"

  "Yes, that's what I was hoping for, to arrange a time to visit."

  "Well, I insist you let me make you dinner! Dad will be so happy to see you too!"

  "Well, mom...I was wondering if I could bring a guest." Brendon bit his lip. He wasn't going to outright lie to his mom, but he wasn't going to share the entire truth over the phone, either. 

  "Well, sure, but...what sort of guest?" Darn his mother's intuition.

  "Well, I'm with someone, and I wanted to bring him along."

  "Oh yes of course, honey! We'd love to meet him," his mother said gleefully. Here's hoping you still feel that way later, Brendon thought. 

  "Ok, great. When do you want to do this?" Brendon kind of hoped it would be really soon.

  "Well, can you come for dinner this evening? Say 7:30?" 

  Brendon was relieved. "Yes, we can do that." 

  "Ok, sweetie. We can't wait to see you!"

  "Ok, mama. Bye!"

  Brendon ended the call and went back to the living room. Ryan looked up at him. "So what's the story, hon?"

  "We're going to their house for dinner, 7:30 tonight."

  Ryan's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Wow, she doesn't waste any time!"

  "Well, she doesn't see me often anymore, so she's excited. Plus, I told her I was with someone, and asked to bring him, so she'd be expecting me to bring a guest."

  "Ok, yeah. She'd be upset if she didn't have enough food. We don't need that on top of how displeased they are going to be when they see me," Ryan said matter-of-factly.

  Brendon sent Ryan a sad look and said, "Ry...baby..."

  Ryan reached for Brendon's hand and squeezed. "Now don't you go feeling bad. I brought this on myself with my past behaviour. I am going to have to be man enough to make this right with them just like I was to make it right with you. It's ok, Bren." Ryan leaned over and kissed his cheek.

  Brendon smiled and shook his head. "Seriously, you are amazing. I can see it so clearly, so they won't have any choice but to see it too."

  Ryan smiled and stretched his arm around Brendon's shoulders, and they snuggled together on the couch.

——

  At 7:20, the taxi was pulling up in front of Brendon's childhood home. The house he grew up in was similar to Jon and Cassie's house and close by it. The boys paid the driver, and stepped out, Brendon leading the way. 

  Ryan took Brendon's hand and squeezed it gently. "I love you and I'm right here. This is going to be fine."

  Brendon took a deep breath and nodded, and stepped up and rang the doorbell before he lost his nerve.

  A few seconds later he heard steps approaching the door, and then his mother opened it. "Bren!", she exclaimed happily, opening arms to hug him, which he stepped into. She stepped back and was clearly ready to introduce herself to someone new. "Hi there, I'm—", and then...Then, she caught a good look at who she was talking to and stopped mid-sentence as her face fell.

  Ryan blushed and cleared his throat, feeling pretty awkward already. "Hi Mrs. Urie. It's nice to see you again."

  "Hello, Ryan," Grace said coolly. "You boys might as well come in and have a seat in the living room." She turned her back and walked into the house. Brendon looked at Ryan sadly, mouthed "sorry" and grabbed Ryan's hand as they made their way to the living room couch. 

  "Boyd! Could you please come in here!?" Grace called to Brendon's dad. Brendon knew that his dad would know something was wrong from her tone of voice. Sure enough, as soon as he and Ryan had sat, Brendon's dad reached his mom.

  "What's wrong, honey?" He questioned her with worried eyes. She pointed toward Brendon and Ryan on the couch, and Boyd's face fell to a displeased grimace. Brendon's parents walked in and sat on the loveseat across from them.

  "Brendon," Boyd began, "do you care to tell us what he's doing here?" Boyd seemed pretty disgusted at Ryan's presence and Ryan didn't blame him.

  "Dad," Brendon said disapprovingly, "he has a name."

  "Ok, what is Ryan Ross, guy who cheated on you, used you, and caused you to move to the other coast, doing here in our home with you?"

  Brendon took a deep breath. "Ryan and I are back together. I brought him here because he feels he has some explaining and apologising he needs to do and because I have news."

  Brendon's mom frowned. "How could you get back with him after what he did to you Brendon? Please tell me he's not moving to LA with you!"

  Brendon nodded. "He is, but there's news other than that."

  Brendon's dad sighed. "What else could there possibly be, son?" 

  Brendon reached over and took Ryan's hand, before holding his left hand out to display his wedding ring. "Ryan and I got married 2 weeks ago. We just got home from our honeymoon."

  Both his parents' jaws dropped. "Have you lost your mind, Brendon?" Boyd said angrily. "He knows you're famous now. This is another good way for him to use you, to ride off your money and fame. Please tell me you got a pre-nup?"

  Brendon shook his head. "Nope."

"Oh Brendon," his mother said sadly. "Well, Ryan, I hope you're happy now that you've gotten the big prize. Our son is just too loving for his own good—"

  "That's enough!" Brendon said sharply. Ryan looked at him in surprise. He had never heard him speak to his parents sharply, ever. "Do you think I'm stupid?", Brendon asked his mom and dad.

  "No, son, not at all," his dad said, clearly surprised too. "We didn't mean to imply that..."

  "Then maybe listen to us, BOTH of us, tell you the entire story before you assume you know what my husband's motivations are. And let me start by telling you this: remember how both Jon and Spencer were telling me to leave him, and even helped me do it?" His parents nodded their heads.

"Well, they both are in full support of our relationship and even our marriage, and neither of them ever mentioned a pre-nup at all. And neither did Pete, who totally would have if he thought I needed it. Does that give you a little better perspective?"

  "Wow, yeah, it does," said Grace. "Ok, we're sorry for jumping to conclusions, Ryan. We should at least hear you out."

  Ryan smiled at her and squeezed Brendon's hand. "First of all, neither of you owes me any apology for anything. If I were you, I probably would have had the same reaction if I were in your position. You love your son and don't want to see anything further happen to him than the bad that already has, especially by the person who did it the first time."

  Boyd looked at Grace and raised his eyebrows, surprised. It was clear they hadn't expected any humility from Ryan. 

  Ryan continued. "Your son is the most precious person in this world, and I was horrible to him when we were together before. I screwed everything up. I hurt him terribly and it will always be my biggest regret because no one deserves that treatment less than he does. I am so proud that he was strong enough to leave me. I was gonna drag him down, and he had too much promise for that to happen. So when he was strong enough to leave, he not only helped himself, but me too. Jon suggested I needed to go to rehab, and Brendon leaving was the wakeup call I needed to sort my life out. Long story short, I learned a lot about how I was screwed up emotionally in rehab. I could never figure out why I had blown things up between us because I had been happy before. It was control issues and self-destructive tendencies that I've gone through extensive therapy since to deal with and now I'm finally mentally and emotionally healthy. And I haven't touched drugs or alcohol once since I finished rehab." 

  "Wow, Ryan. That's wonderful that you are doing better. But I don't understand how you two reconnected? I thought you cut off contact and didn't let him know where you were, Bren?" Grace was confused.

  "Mom, that's where this kind of turns into a miracle, meant-to-be story," Brendon said, smiling. "While Ryan was in rehab, he wrote me this amazing apology letter. So this letter was written to me about 16 months ago. He sent it to Spencer as soon as he wrote it, to have him make sure he wasn't being defensive or off-loading blame. He told Spencer if it was ok, to email it to me if he felt there was a good time, and not to if there never was. He had no idea I was living with Spencer or that I was even in LA. And look at the timing: when he wrote that letter, the band hadn't even signed yet. We were just doing local gigs in LA. So the letter is totally legit. Anyhow, Spencer saw the opening to finally email me the letter about 4 months ago. So I was so touched, I decided to start emailing Ryan. And it was obvious from the letter onward how much he had changed. And he's never slipped from that once. And then we started talking, and we reconnected in person when I came for our two New York shows."

  "Wait...so are you telling me you'd only seen each other again for a couple of days when you decided to get married?" Boyd asked.

  "Dad, what can I tell you? It was just right. We had been emailing, texting and calling for months by that point. I just knew. And once we knew we both loved each other still, and Ryan proposed, I knew that's the way it was meant to work out. And if you could see even 10% of how he treats me now, you'd have no doubt of it either." Brendon shrugged helplessly.

  "I really don't blame you for questioning it, Mr. and Mrs. Urie," Ryan said. "I know how crazy it must sound. Just so you know, Brendon won't be supporting me. I have some savings from where I was a circulation manager at a local library after Bren left and I returned from rehab. Also, Jon and I were asked by Spencer and Bren to replace Dallon and Mike in the band, so I'll be pulling my weight with writing and playing music, and Brendon and I will be able to be together at practically all times. I do acknowledge I wouldn't be in the band if not for Brendon, but I've been gainfully employed from the time I got out of rehab until I let them know I was leaving to be a guitarist in a band."

  Grace and Boyd were quiet for a long moment, looking at each other and seeming to communicate without words. Brendon looked at Ryan and smiled nervously. Ryan opened his arms and Brendon fell into them, and Ryan engulfed him with his long arms, and rested his chin on Brendon's shoulder. He closed his eyes and rubbed slow, soothing circles into Brendon's back for a moment. Then he pulled back and smiled at Brendon warmly, and kissed his forehead as Brendon went to curl into his chest. Grace smiled at Boyd after watching that, and Boyd nodded his head.

  "Ryan," Grace said to get his attention. Ryan angled toward her but didn't let go of Brendon, causing Grace to smile at him. "We believe you, honey. All we've had to do is watch your last 2 minutes with Brendon to see your love and concern in every little move you make with him. However, don't think you boys are off the hook for running off and getting married without us," Grace mock glared. 

  Both Ryan and Brendon burst out laughing at that. Brendon let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "Well, Mom, maybe you guys can come out in a few weeks to LA for a housewarming? Ryan and I are packing up what he's gonna take from his studio over the next couple of days, then we're gonna do the moving van run out to LA, and as soon as we find an acceptable place, I'm moving out of Spencer's spare room."

  "Heavens, yes," Grace said. It's time we visit you out there, especially once you and Ryan have your own home. Oh Boyd, I can't believe it. Our baby has his own husband!"

  Boyd smiled at his wife and then at Ryan and Brendon. "Congratulations, boys. We're so happy for you. Welcome to the family, Ryan."

  Ryan smiled widely as he shook Boyd's hand and Brendon's eyes shone with pride to see his husband that he loved so much be accepted by his parents. 

  "Well," Grace sniffled, "are you boys hungry? It's your favorite, Brendon."

  Brendon's eyes lit up. "Lasagna, ma?"

  Grace giggled. "Yes, honey."

  Brendon looked at Ryan and said, "Score, Ry!" Ryan just laughed, shaking his head and following the others to the dining room. 

——

  Two evenings later, Ryan's apartment had been completely vacated. He turned in his keys, and donated everything he didn't want to a charity pickup service. The furniture was part of the apartment. 

  Brendon and Ryan were spending their last night in New York with Cassie and Jon's spare bedroom. Ryan thought it was bittersweet and a bit full-circle, since this is the room he'd stayed in alone after Brendon left. Cassie and Jon wouldn't be in LA for another couple of weeks, to allow Cassie to finish out her job.

  Ryan and Brendon had turned in early, as they meant to get an early start on the long drive back to LA. They weren't quite drowsy yet, so they were just enjoying holding each other and chatting. 

  "Are you gonna miss New York, Ry?"

  "I don't think so, Bren. There's nothing left here for me. Jon and Cassie are coming to LA too, and you and Spencer have already been gone. The only people left here for me to miss are your mom and dad. It was really touching the way they've accepted me."

  "Yeah, the only part I was worried about was the initial convincing. I knew once that was taken care of that they'd treat you like a son," Brendon said as he pressed a string of kisses to Ryan's shoulder. 

  "Well, they're clearly wonderful parents. Look at the wonderful son they raised." Ryan smiled over at his husband and kissed him sweetly.

  "Yeah, and that son picked a pretty wonderful husband, too." Brendon grinned and kissed Ryan back. "We should sleep baby. We gotta head out early. Plus, I intend to make good use of every hotel stop between here and LA. When we get to Spencer's, I don't want to hear him bitching about us being too noisy!" 

  Ryan burst out laughing. "Ok, baby. I love you. Good night."

  "Good Night, honey. I love you too." Brendon lay his arm across Ryan's chest and gently closed his eyes.


	19. Chapter 19

  The boys left Jon and Cassie's house early the next morning, well before the sun rose. They wanted to get out of the city before the workday traffic really got started, and they headed east toward Pennsylvania.

  The trip was 30 hours of driving time, so since they weren't in a huge hurry, the boys planned to spend 3-4 days getting to LA. They would take turns driving, enjoy chatting about anything that came to mind, and stop to eat or when they felt like they needed a break. Brendon couldn't help but draw the comparison between this trip with Ryan, and when he drove to LA the first time, on his own. When he made the trip solo, he'd been lonely, heartbroken, and determined to start over fresh. This time, he had a husband he loved, who so obviously loved him back, and they were headed toward a future they were both looking forward to. He felt so intensely grateful for the turn his life had taken. 

  To minimize the prospect of being spotted by fans, they decided they wouldn't spend the night in big cities, but just make stops at smaller towns along the way. They drove until they got tired of it each day, then found a decent, comfortable looking hotel and stayed the night. 

  To sort of embrace the road trip spirit, they didn't try to go to any super nice restaurants, either. They'd eat in local diners or grab fast food, again with the thought of trying to be sort of incognito. Sometimes they'd just take their dinner to their room to eat. 

  It was the 3rd night that they'd been traveling, and they were settling in for the evening. They were on the outskirts of Las Vegas, and only had just a few more hours to drive the next day, and they would make it to Spencer's. They had taken their evening showers (separately, because they were tired and wanted to move quickly), and were snuggled together in bed. That seemed to be their nightly ritual: to spend some time just connecting physically through that innocent touch each day. 

  "Babe?" Ryan said, looking to get Brendon's attention from the mindless television they were watching.

  "Yeah, honey? What's up?"

  "I need to ask you for help with something. When we get started back with the band, I need you to sort of look out for me and help me get to grips with the writing and recording process, and especially how everything goes when we tour. You've already been through it once and know what to expect, but I have very little idea about how things go. I'm so glad to be doing it, and I'm looking forward to it...I just don't want to do anything to mess up your band."

  Brendon turned sideways slightly and took Ryan's hand. He lifted it to his lips and kissed his knuckles, then cradled that hand with both of his. "Baby, listen to me. I'll always help you with anything you need, every step of the way. But you've got one thing wrong: this isn't my band. It's our band. The minute you and Jon said you wanted to join up, that band became the four of us. Yeah, I was in it from the start with Spence, and yes, I'm the frontman, but we don't function without you guys. Which is an interesting coincidence, because I don't function well without you in general."

  Ryan smiled lovingly and squeezed Brendon's hand, and Brendon continued.

  "So make sure you think of it as our band from now on, ok? I know you: you're smart and you take pride in the things you do. I can't imagine what you could possibly do to mess up our band. We clear?" Brendon gave Ryan a mock stern glance.

  Ryan chuckled. "Yes, sir. Do I need to be punished now?" He said with wide eyes and a faux innocent look.

  Brendon gave him an evil grin. "Yes, I may need to teach you a lesson." They both laughed as they leaned in to kiss each other.

—-

  "Oh thank God we're here!" Ryan said as they pulled into Spencer's driveway. 

  Brendon had to laugh. "I remember thinking that exact thing when I moved out here! Seems that drive is enough to make you never want to do it again."

  Ryan nodded. "No kidding. When we go to New York to visit your parents, we should either do it on tour or fly!"

  They opened the doors and exited the moving van. Ryan hadn't brought a whole lot with him to move. Mostly just clothes, toiletries and personal effects. He knew that he and Brendon were going to be setting up their own household, and would choose a lot of things together for it. 

  Brendon walked up and knocked on the door quickly, then used his key to open the door. "Spence? We're here!"

  Spencer came walking down the hallway and grinned widely! "Hey! Glad you all finally made it. Welcome to the West Coast, Ry!"

  "Thanks, Spence. More than glad to be here. I was pretty over New York. Plus, someone has to keep this one out of trouble," he said as he pointed to Brendon with a smirk. Brendon mocked an offended look and swatted his arm as Ryan laughed. 

"Yeah, I'm sure you're not an equally bad influence on each other," Spencer deadpanned. 

  "Thanks, Spence. I feel the love," Brendon laughed. 

  "Oh, hey, before I forget...you guys need to see. Pete broke the press release."

  Spencer grabbed his laptop off the coffee table and pulled up where Pete had put out a press release about Ryan and Jon joining the band. The fan response had been pretty neutral for the most part. Some, though, had recognized from the pictures Pete had included that Ryan was the same person in the paparazzi pics from Las Vegas.

  "Well, babe...I think it's probably time for us to kick our plan into action, huh?" Brendon asked.

  Ryan sighed and nodded. "Yeah, looks like it. Think it could wait until tomorrow, so we can just get my boxes in today and do some relaxing first? I'd rather not be tired or tense when we do it."

  "Sure, baby, I think that will be fine."

  "Ok," Spencer said. "Wanna go get some tacos?"

  "Hell yes," Ryan said. Brendon laughed. "What? You know I love tacos, babe."

  Spencer rolled his eyes and said, "Well, come on then."

—- 

  So Brendon and Ryan had a simple plan: they would go on Brendon's Instagram account and do a live stream explaining how they had been together before the band, took a break (no one needed those details), and started slowly working their way back together before the band got signed. So yes, the plan was simple; they just hoped dealing with the outcome would be easy.

  "So Bren, will you do most of the talking?" Ryan asked nervously.

  "If that's what you want, love. You should hop in any time you've got something you feel you should say. We'll hold hands under the table and if you want to talk, squeeze twice quickly, ok?" 

  "Ok, sounds good."

  Brendon sat them up in front of his laptop, which had a built-in webcam. He had tweeted out that they were going to live stream in about 5 minutes, so fans should have seen and been ready for it to come up.

  Brendon pulled up Instagram and after about a minute more had everything ready to go live. He told Ryan they were getting ready to start. After about a five second delay, Brendon began to speak.

  "Hi everyone. I'm Brendon Urie, from Panic at the Disco, and I'd like to introduce you to Ryan Ross, Panic's new guitarist."

  "Hello, everybody," Ryan said with a small smile.

  Brendon continued. "I'm sure most of you have seen the news Pete put out by now that Ryan is coming in to play lead guitar, and Jon Walker will be coming onboard to play bass. But I'm here with Ryan for another reason. What Pete didn't tell you, is that Ryan and I are in a relationship. In fact, nearly three weeks ago, right after our tour ended, Ryan and I got married. I'm sure that's a little shocking to some of you because most people didn't know I was even in a relationship. Well. Ryan and I had been together before there even was a band. Then we separated and took a break for a while. But right after we had just formed the band, before we even got signed, Ryan reached back out to me, and we started talking again. We realized how much we still loved each other, and Ryan later proposed to me. It was funny timing, because I didn't know he was going to propose, and he didn't know I was going to ask him to be in the band. Sometimes, things just work out."

  Ryan double squeezed Brendon's hand, and Brendon paused so Ryan could talk. "I just want you all to know I am very excited to be stepping into the band. I'm not a big talker, except for maybe to Brendon, Spencer and Jon, but I need to let everyone know this: Brendon means more to me than anything in this world. I am the luckiest guy on earth, all because he agreed to marry me. I want people to know that I love him, and I realize just how lucky I am."

  Brendon smiled lovingly at Ryan, then addressed the camera. "See why I love this man? This is only a snapshot of how good he is to me. I know there will be a lot of speculation about our marriage, but we have each other's backs, first and foremost. I want to let people know also, that since I got married, I go by Brendon Urie-Ross now."

  Brendon smiled at Ryan again. "That's really all there is to it. I'm sure I can trust you fans to share that stream with your other fan friends, so people know right from the source. We'll be going back into the studio to make a new album soon, so be watching for that. We love you all, appreciate you, and will see you soon." With that Brendon ended the live stream. 

  "Now what?" asked Ryan.

"Now nothing," Brendon laughed. "People will think and say what they want about it, and we can't control it. Doesn't matter anyway. We know the truth."

  "We sure do," Ryan smiled. "And the truth is, I love you more than anything." He leaned over and kissed Brendon's cheek, so happy with everything between them now.

—-

  Brendon came into bed that night carrying his laptop, with a giant smile on his face.

  "Hey, baby. What brought out that beautiful smile?" Ryan asked grinning.

  "Well, apparently, we're a hit, Ry. The fans are losing their shit over us online!"

  Ryan laughed. "Oh yeah? Let me see."

  Brendon plopped down next to him and handed Ryan the laptop. He saw lots of comments and emojis, all about their earlier live stream

   "My wig is snatched!"

   "They are so cute, I want them to punch me in the face!!"

   "Ugh, my heart!!"

   "The cuteness...I can't even."

  The comments pretty much went on along those lines. Of course, there were the rare and random homophobic insults, but they were sorely outnumbered by adoring and supportive ones. There would always be assholes in the world, so the boys didn't worry themselves with the haters. It was so nice to feel the love and support of so much of their fan base, though.

  Ryan was chuckling. "Well, it certainly makes things easier for the whole band that people seem to like us together. Which is convenient, since I love us together." Ryan grinned and petted through Brendon's hair. 

  Brendon beamed back. "I agree. How about we put all this away, and maybe snuggle and make out for a while?" Brendon asked with a maddening, impish grin. 

  Ryan laughed. "You know I'm never going to turn that down. But we have to keep it to a makeout, don't we? You know Spencer will let us have it if he can hear us."

  "Well...," Brendon started in faux innocence,"we'll see. Maybe it's a good time to practice being really, really quiet. Not that it will matter once we get our own place."

  Ryan nodded, also feigning innocence. "Ok, well, practicing things is good. The only way you get good at them!" Then he ruined the effect by winking. 

  Both boys were laughing as they leaned in and began to kiss. 

 

——

  A couple of days later, the boys borrowed Spencer's car and were on their way to meet their realtor. This realtor had come recommended by Pete, saying that she was good at her job, and capable of being discreet. The guys valued that because the last thing they wanted was the address of whatever house they chose being broadcast to all their fans. 

  The boys had been pouring over listings online together, checking out the ones that closest fit the list of criteria and the budget they had come up with. It was their first big decision together as a married couple, and the first phase had gone really smoothly. It was a testament to how different their relationship was now versus before. Now that Ryan had gone through therapy and was more secure, he could communicate well with Brendon and it was fairly simple to work through any differences in opinion they had found. It made them both feel really confident in their marriage. 

  Once they had a list of about 8 good, potential houses, they had sent them to the realtor, and requested to go on tours of as many as possible in this one day. The realtor had been able to arrange all but one, so they considered that a big win. They agreed not to hurry themselves but also if they felt strongly a particular house was "the one", not to hold themselves back either. 

  They met the realtor at a conveniently located Starbucks and hopped in the car with her. They knew it was going to be a long day, so they were happy to be able to lean on one another in the back seat as they went along for the ride. 

—-

  The boys were five houses done, and hadn't felt an overwhelming affinity for any of them. They were all nice and in good shape; they just didn't feel like home. It was getting kind of discouraging.

  "You know," Brendon whispered to Ryan as they traveled to house #6, "if we don't find a house we're in love with, we can always rent a nice apartment for a year, maybe two, then try again? What's important is that it's our own place." He smiled over to Ryan and leaned his head on his shoulder.

  "That's true," Ryan said. "I'd way rather do that than own a house we're not thrilled over." Brendon nodded his agreement.

  "Ok, guys, we're here!" The realtor pulled into the driveway of a house that just looked so inviting from the curb. Well — this was a promising start! 

  "I like the looks so far. I mean, I knew that somewhat from the pictures, but in person is always different," Ryan mused.

  Brendon nodded. "Yep...so far, so good."

  Their realtor got the door unlocked and they stepped inside. They came into a nice sized entryway, which then led into an open plan main area, with the living room, dining room and kitchen all flowing together. The boys looked at each other and nodded - they were both thinking how good it would be for having friends over. 

  The kitchen had an island with some bar seating and next to it were the sliding doors to the backyard. There was some grassy area further back, and a small pool. Next to that was a pool house. When they checked it out, Brendon said, "Ry, this is perfect for a music space!" 

  "Ooh, you're right. It would be easy to put all our instruments in here!"

  They headed back into the house to see the 3 bedrooms. There was a bath in the hall for the 2 additional bedrooms. But what got them was the master suite: it was what seemed to be just the right size for the two of them, and the master bath had that soaker tub they had joked about wanting, and a separate shower. The room was made perfect by a walk-in closet big enough to support them both. 

  The house was finished off by an oversized 2-car garage, and they supposed they both would eventually have cars, so it only made sense. They also liked the location; within 30 minutes of both Spencer and Fueled By Ramen. 

  Ryan looked to the realtor: "Can we have a few minutes to talk?" She smiled, nodded and made her way outside. 

  "B—" Ryan began.

  "This is it, Ry. It feels like home. I can picture us here so clearly." Brendon's smile was huge. 

  "Me too," Ryan agreed. "Should we make an offer?"

  "Yes. I don't need to see the other house."

  Ryan grabbed Brendon's hand and squeezed. "Let's do it then, babe." And they went off to get the realtor.

—-

  The following night, the guys were waiting on pins and needles: they had made their offer on the house, and the owners had until 8pm tonight to accept, reject, or make an offer back. They were clinging to each other, but quiet, because they were impatient for an answer. 

  About 7 or so, Ryan's phone rang. The boys looked at each other instantly, and then Ryan looked at the caller ID. "It's the realtor," he said. "I'll put it on speaker." Brendon nodded nervously. 

  "Hello?"

  "Hi, Mr. Ross, it's Jan. I have a response from the sellers."

  Ryan swallowed hard. "Ok, what did they say?"

  The boys could hear the smile in Jan's voice. "They accepted your offer! The best part is that once your financing clears and all the legal paperwork is done, you can take immediate possession of the house, because they've already moved out. The whole thing should be done in roughly a month."

  Brendon was beaming at Ryan, and bouncing slightly in his seat. Ryan smiled widely. "When do we come in to sign things and get everything going?"

  "Could you come tomorrow morning at 9? The sooner we do that, the sooner it gets done!"

  "Yes, totally. We'll be there." Ryan was so happy and relieved that this process would be so much easier from here on out.

  "Ok, I'll see you then," Jan said. "Congratulations, boys."

  Ryan ended the call, turned to Brendon, and hugged him up tightly. "I can't believe it, Bren," he breathed quietly to Brendon's ear. 

  Brendon squeezed him tight and breathed Ryan in deeply. "It's our home, Ry. We're a family now, and that's our home. I love you so much."

  Ryan kissed Brendon's temple. "I love you too, Bren. Pretty soon, we'll be able to make our own physical home together, but us being together is home to me."

  Brendon cupped Ryan's face with his hand, and leaned in for a gentle, meaningful kiss.


	20. Chapter 20

"Ok, what the hell?" Spencer griped. "You guys don't have that much stuff, but what you do have weighs like a million pounds!" Spencer was helping the guys move their things in to the house. 

Ryan laughed as he and Brendon sat down the pieces to their bed frame. "Dude, you have more muscle than me and Bren put together! I would have thought you'd be on top of it, no problem!" 

Spencer gave Ryan a withering stare. "Yeah, maybe the first 20 trips!"

It was Brendon's turn to laugh. "Awww, we're sorry Spence. You're seriously a huge help. You always are. We'll reward you with pizza and beer?"

Spencer's face softened a bit. "Well, since there's payment involved..." Then he started cracking up.

Ryan rolled his eyes and laughed. "Whatever, dude. But for real, thank you for helping us."

Spencer smiled, genuinely this time. "Seriously, do you guys not know how happy I am for you? You both got your shit together, and once you did, found your way back to one another. I've honestly never seen two people who belong together more than you guys."

Ryan and Brendon smiled shyly at one another. Then Ryan slipped his arm around Brendon's shoulders while Brendon slid his around Ryan's waist. "You were a big part of that, you know," Ryan said. "You looked out for both of us, and helped us reconnect at the right time. We'll never be able to thank you enough."

"Well, that's ok. You can keep trying and worship me from afar in the meantime," Spencer said in faux innocence.

"Oh my God," Brendon laughed. "We better get the rest of our crap in before the bullshit gets so deep in here that we can't walk anymore." Both Ryan and Spencer lost it over that one. 

—-

Later that evening, after they'd gotten everything into the house, and gotten some basics like their bed and TV set up, the couple decided to call it a night. They were both tired with aching muscles from carrying so many things that day, so they decided to have their first bath together in their huge soaker tub. 

While Brendon went off in search of their towels in the moving boxes, Ryan headed in and started the water running, and lit several vanilla candles. The room looked and felt warm and romantic, and smelled amazing. He stripped down to his boxers and checked to make sure the water was a perfect temperature. He wanted to make the remainder of the evening romantic and drench his husband in love and attention for their first night in their home. 

A couple of minutes later, Brendon came into the bathroom, and took in the scene Ryan had set with a soft look of surprise. He smiled, walking up to Ryan and sliding his arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck. "Wow, Ry...this is so nice." 

Ryan snuggled into him. "I just wanted to celebrate our first night in our new home, baby. Just let me take care of you and help you relax," he said softly as he pressed a kiss against Brendon's neck. 

Brendon looked up, smiling and nodded as he caught Ryan's lips with his softly. Ryan gently pushed him back by the shoulders, then began to undress him. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and off, then pressed a kiss to his cheek. Then he unbuckled and unzipped his pants, then knelt down and slowly removed his jeans, followed by his socks. Finally, he trailed his hands up his legs gently and slid his fingers under his boxer briefs and slid them down his legs. Every move he made was designed to show the love and care he wanted to give to Brendon. 

Ryan stood back up and engulfed Brendon in another embrace, just breathing him in, his scent being the most relaxing thing in the world to him. Brendon wrapped arms around him, and gently ran his hands from his shoulder blades down to his waist. It was his turn to tuck fingers under the waistband of Ryan's boxers and work them down his hips until they felt to the floor, and he stepped out of them.

Ryan stepped back, taking Brendon's hand and squeezing it. "Here baby, let me get in first then you get in and just rest back against me." He gave Brendon his smile.

Brendon grinned and sighed softly. "That sounds amazing right now. I'm beat!"

Ryan stepped into the tub, getting situated and comfortable, then held out his hand to help Brendon as he stepped in. Brendon sat, leaning back to lay against Ryan's chest, and when their skin touched, he practically melted against him.

"Mmmm...", Brendon purred. "This was exactly what I needed. Such a good idea Ry, thank you."

"You're welcome, honey," Ryan said as he gently massaged Brendon's shoulders. "I just can't believe we're here. If someone would have told me six months ago that this would be my life today, I would have laughed them out of the room. But I am so insanely thankful that this is my life; our life. Most of all, thankful for you. Thank you for trusting me again."

Brendon turned, with his head still laying on Ryan's chest, and looked up at him seriously. "Ry, you earned my trust back. And I have zero doubt that you'll keep it. You're like a new man. And I loved you before, but now..." Brendon swallowed hard. "I can't even find words to tell you how it's grown. It feels like 'I love you' just doesn't cover it."

Ryan held intense eye contact with Brendon until he just couldn't take it anymore, and then he leaned down and kissed him, hard and deep. Brendon kissed back just as firmly and groaned deep in the back of his throat, turning both of them on. Ryan drew back and captured Brendon's lower lip with his teeth, biting gently. Brendon moaned out loud.

Suddenly, Brendon was turning around and straddled his husband's hips, then sat in his lap and scooted closer. Both men were already getting hard, and their cocks brushed together, drawing moans from both of them as their desire for one another grew.

"Oh fuck, Bren," Ryan groaned. Brendon leaned up, kissing down his jaw, to his neck, then ran his tongue over Ryan's pulse point, making him writhe. He slid his hands down to Brendon's ass, squeezing as he pulled his husband into his body even more, their hips rutting together. 

Brendon grasped Ryan's shoulders tightly and he leaned his forehead against Ryan's, their lips just brushing. "God, Ryan...want you," he breathed.

"Yes," Ryan said, panting hard, "always want you. Let's get out of this tub."

Brendon nodded and gave Ryan one last feverish kiss, as he stood and exited the tub. He grabbed both towels then held his hand out to help Ryan out of the tub. Once Ryan was out and had pulled the plug to drain the tub, they dried off as quickly as they could without still leaving themselves too damp for the bedsheets.

They dropped the towels to the floor, leaving them to be worried about later. Ryan grabbed Brendon's hand and tugged him along toward their bed. When they reached the edge, Ryan sat and grasped Brendon's hips as he stood before him. Without wasting any time, he leaned forward, licking, kissing and sucking all over Brendon's hips and lower belly, while he took his cock in his hand and stroked him slowly. 

"Shit, Ryan...fuck," Brendon tipped his head back, moaning, as he wound his hands through Ryan's curls. His dirty mouth could certainly come out when they had sex; the dirtier it got, the more turned on Ryan could tell he was. He was pretty pleased with the results right now. 

Brendon brought his hands to Ryan's shoulders and gently pushed him. "Lay back, baby." Ryan scooted further back on the bed and lay back as Brendon asked. He would give Brendon anything he wanted right now.

Brendon climbed up the bed until he was leaning over Ryan, laying between his legs. He tilted his head down, kissing Ryan fiercely, tongue deep in his mouth. He leaned on one elbow, and took the other hand and slid it down Ryan's chest, circling one thumb around a nipple, drawing a moan from his husband. 

When Brendon broke the kiss, he started kissing all the way down Ryan's body, taking his time to lick and nip. He stopped over a sharp hipbone and sucked a bruise there, marking Ryan. He looked up at Ryan with fiery eyes, and Ryan grinned down at him, until Brendon started heading further south, and Ryan knew what he was up to.

"Wait, baby," Ryan said, panting as he leaned up on his elbows. "I wanted to make you feel good...make this relaxing for you."

Brendon moved back up the bed and leaned over Ryan again. He brushed their noses together and said, "Do you not realize how much it turns me on, how good it makes me feel to make you feel good? Just hearing the noises you make is nearly enough to get me off. So if you want to do something for me right now, let me suck your cock, baby."

Ryan let out a surprised moan at the dirty talk, and ran a hand through Brendon's hair. "Fuck, okay," he spluttered. Brendon was already moving back down his body, and before Ryan knew what had happened, Brendon had already wrapped a hand around him and had him in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the head and dipped the tip of his tongue lightly into Ryan's slit, chasing after Ryan's taste from his precome. When he found what he was looking for, he groaned and the vibrations ran straight through Ryan's body. Ryan cried out, almost slurring, "Oh God, Brendon."

Brendon took him in a little more at a time, until Ryan felt himself hit the back of Brendon's throat. This was the most intense head he had ever received, Brendon clearly as turned on as he had ever been. Ryan looked down just in time to see Brendon touching himself as he swallowed Ryan down. 

"Oh, fuck baby, shit, oh fuck," he groaned out. "Bren, you gotta stop or I'm going to come, and I don't want this to be over."

Brendon pulled off, but did so slowly, to draw out the pleasure just a bit longer. Then, without a word, he moved over to his bedside table and grabbed the lube. (They had put the lube there earlier, because they knew sex would come sooner rather than later.) Ryan watched as Brendon smirked at him mischievously and got down back between his legs. Oh, okay, it was his turn. No complaints there. 

He watched as Brendon lubed up three fingers, but he didn't foresee what came next. Brendon leaned down and licked and nibbled on the skin of his inner thighs, then licked over his balls. Ryan sat up on his elbows so he could try to see what was going on as he struggled to process the pleasure he was feeling. He felt Brendon part his cheeks and expected to feel the tease of his first finger, but got something very different instead. 

He felt a hot, wet sensation, and it took a second to register that Brendon was kissing and licking around his entrance. The moan that ripped out of Ryan's chest was raw, unrestrained and loud. They had never done this before, and it was driving Ryan insane. Brendon licked circles around the ring of muscle, then stiffened his tongue and just barely dipped it inside.

Ryan practically screamed out, "Holy fuck, Bren, ohmygod, that's so good, I can't..." Ryan could barely make sense with the way his head was spinning and the lust that was surging through his belly. He got harder and he had no idea how. 

Just then, Brendon withdrew his mouth and dipped the first finger inside, working it in and out to loosen him. Once he felt the resistance fade, he came back with two fingers and after a minute began to scissor and stretch. But he wasn't done with his surprises because when he scissored his fingers again, he held that stretch, then circled his tongue around the muscles once more,  dipping his tongue in and out further than before. 

Ryan was damn near sobbing now, he was crying out so hard. "Brendon, fuck...feels so fucking good," he choked, chest rising and falling fast.

Brendon groaned at how hot this was, how turned on it made him to make Ryan lose his mind. It was the sort of sex they couldn't have in apartments, hotel rooms, or borrowed rooms in people's houses. Well, not if they wanted to be considerate and still be able to look their neighbors in the eye, anyway. But now, in their own home, they could make love to each other however they wanted, without interruptions and without worrying about disturbing anyone else.

Brendon drew his mouth back and went in with three fingers, going in deep and searching for the most pleasurable spot in Ryan's body. They knew each other's bodies well by now; they'd gotten lots of practice in their two months of marriage. He quickly located Ryan's prostate and crooked his fingers up into it, sending Ryan's body jolting and bringing even more cries of pleasure.

He kept his fingers there a minute, holding light pressure and rubbing lightly, while Ryan writhed and bucked his hips. "God, Brendon, please..." Ryan whimpered.

Brendon looked up, eyes almost black with the lust he felt. "What do you want baby? Tell me."

Ryan looked down at him, panting hard. "You, baby." 

Brendon knew Ryan didn't get this crazy that often. He wanted him to say it. "You want me to what, baby, tell me."

Ryan's hips bucked against his hand. "Fuck me, baby...please, fuck me," he begged.

Brendon's dick twitched on hearing that, and he removed his fingers from Ryan's body as gently as he could. They both knew it was more than just fucking, but that suited the mood and the intensity in that moment. 

Brendon moved up to hover over Ryan again and kissed him hard while he put the lube into Ryan's hand. They kissed so hard and so deep, their lips would probably be bruised later.

Brendon drew back and looked at Ryan. "How do you want it, love?"

Ryan had dispensed the lube into his hand and had already moved to slick Brendon up, pumping over him slowly to distribute the slickness. Brendon moaned out at the contact and Ryan smirked as he said, "I want you over top of me, facing me. I need to see your eyes."

"Yes, baby," Brendon said as he leaned down and kissed him briefly again. Ryan lifted his long legs and wrapped them around Brendon's waist. Brendon guided his cock to Ryan's entrance, and slipped inside gently. 

"Fuck, yessss..." Ryan sighed out as Brendon sunk all the way in. Ryan, in giving himself over to Brendon since they'd been married, had grown to love Brendon fucking him as much, if not more, than fucking Brendon. Their sex life and intimacy had grown exponentially since they had expanded it in that way. Ryan would never go back to only topping. Brendon knew just how to make him feel loved, and how to make his body feel so fucking good. 

They took a moment to get used to being joined and kissed each other passionately. Their passion slowed down to something sweeter for the moment, letting them both draw back from the edge a bit. Brendon broke the kiss and brushed noses with Ryan. 

"Mmmm, baby...you can move now," Ryan said as he brushed Brendon's cheek with his palm. 

Brendon nodded and began thrusting his hips slowly. They were both content to let their bodies dictate the pace, and go with what they were feeling in the moment. They were very in sync that way. 

Ryan ran his hands over Brendon's upper arms and looked into his eyes, barely even blinking. Brendon shifted his hips after a few moments, searching for that spot that would really kick Ryan's pleasure into overdrive. Ryan was moaning softly, so Brendon could tell he was getting closer to the mark. 

Brendon made one more small shift with his hips, and Ryan shook, tightening his legs around Brendon's waist, moaning out, "There, baby...right there."

Brendon loved hearing Ryan's pleasure. "That's it, Ry," he panted out,"wanna make you feel so good." He kept the angle constant, and brushed Ryan's prostate on every stroke.

"Fuck Bren, so good, shit..." Ryan couldn't stop moaning and he pressed his foot into the small of Brendon's back, urging him in deeper. "Harder, baby...go harder, please," Ryan begged once more.

"Fuck, Ry," Brendon groaned. He made his thrusts harder, deeper and a bit faster. 

"Oh baby, fuck, that's it. I love it when you're in me," Ryan groaned. He was losing his coherency again.

"God, Ry, you feel so fucking good. I'm getting close."

"Ngh, me too, baby. Bren, touch me, please."

Brendon reached down and wrapped his hand around Ryan's dick, stroking as in time with his thrusts as best he he could manage, since as they were getting closer, he was losing his rhythm. Ryan moaned and cursed, and Brendon loved how much Ryan was enjoying it. 

Brendon could feel Ryan's muscles starting to tense up harder, and then he was crying out Brendon's name. Then he felt him clench tight, and Ryan was coming, hard, over Brendon's fist and his own belly.

And that was all Brendon needed to let go too. "Oh shit, Ryan..." Brendon groaned out. They both seemed to come forever, the longest, most intense orgasms that maybe either of them had ever had. Ryan's legs fell from Brendon's waist to the bed, and their hips slowed gradually to a stop. They stayed in place, in the way they both enjoyed, and kissed each other slowly and gently while the aftershocks wore down. 

After a few minutes, Brendon pulled out extra slowly, as that had been pretty intense sex, and he didn't want to cause Ryan any pain. He lay down right next to Ryan's side, who immediately pulled him into his arms and held him tightly. 

"Holy shit, baby," Ryan said quietly. He sounded awestruck. "That was..." It seemed like he couldn't find the words.

"I know," Brendon replied, just as softly. He was at a loss too, but they both knew it was in the best of ways.

"You always make me feel so amazing," Ryan praised. Then he chuckled, "And I totally approve of that new addition to the repertoire!"

Brendon laughed. "I was pretty sure you wouldn't object. I just...I just wanted to try that. It seemed hot and I was sure it would feel good."

Ryan snorted. "Um, you guessed right. That was pretty amazing."

Brendon tilted his head up and grinned at him. "That's what I was going for. I love that we have total privacy now. We can be as loud as we want, and the only limitations we have are our own."

Ryan grinned, nodded and kissed Brendon's forehead. "I love you Bren. You ready to sleep? I'm spent. Some gorgeous guy just fucked my brains out."

Brendon burst out laughing. "Yes, I'm pretty exhausted now. This guy I'm in love with with seems to love bedtime workouts." They laughed at their own goofiness, and pecked each other a kiss.

Ryan grabbed tissues from the night stand, and they did a quick cleanup, tossing them in the bedside waste bin. Then they pulled their covers over them, and Ryan spooned Brendon, their nightly ritual. 

"Goodnight, beautiful. Sweet dreams on the first night in our home," Ryan whispered, kissing his ear.

Brendon smiled, huge. "You too, baby. I love you so much." Brendon settled his body in tighter against Ryan, and they drifted to sleep peacefully. 

—-

 

  The next afternoon, the guys were just relaxing around their house. They had spent the morning putting away the remainder of what they had brought with them when moving in, because it wasn't a lot, and then getting groceries. Neither of them had bought groceries on their own in so long, it was a little weird at first! Over the next few days, they planned to go out and acquire more items they needed for their house, but had enough already that they could take their time a bit.

   Ryan was sat on the couch, reading a book with his glasses on. Brendon was in the kitchen, prepping food to make dinner, because this night it was his turn to cook. A loud noise startled them both out of the focus on their respective tasks, and it took them a second to realize it was Ryan's phone ringing.

  It was on the counter in the kitchen, plugged in so it was charging. Brendon unplugged it and looked at the display. He walked toward Ryan with it as he said, "It's a New York City number, babe, but I don't recognize it." He handed it off to Ryan.

  Ryan took a look, and his eyebrows rose and his mouth dropped opened. Then his face scrunched up in disgust and he said to Brendon, "Unfortunately, I do recognize that number."

  Brendon arched an eyebrow and questioned, "Who is it?"

  Ryan scowled, like he had a bad taste in his mouth. "Alex fucking Greenwald. But it doesn't show up as him because, obviously, he's not a contact in my phone anymore."

  Brendon's eyes widened and his eyebrows rose in surprise. Ryan was moving to decline the call, but Brendon said, "No, Ry! Answer it. Let's have some fun!" An evil grin had spread over Brendon's face.

  Ryan smirked and giggled. "Yes, let's do that. I'll put it on speaker." Then he held his finger to his lips, indicating to Brendon to keep quiet, while he composed himself. When he was calm, he accepted the call.

   "Hello?" Ryan made sure to sound slightly confused, like he didn't know who was on the other end of the call.

  "Heyyyy, Ryannn...." Alex purred through the phone. Ryan made a disgusted face at Brendon and pretended like he was sticking his finger down his throat to puke. Brendon clapped his hand over his mouth and turned red with the effort to suppress his laughter.

  Ryan continued to play dumb. "Uhhh...who is this?" Ryan wasn't going to let Alex think he was important enough to even be remembered. 

  That seemed to trip Alex up for a second, but he recovered quickly. "It's Alex, Ry." Ryan rolled his eyes: Alex always was a self-important bastard. Like Ryan couldn't possibly know anyone else named Alex besides him? 

  Ryan wasn't going to bite yet. He was quiet for a second. "Alex who?" Brendon was dancing around the living room, hand still clapped over his mouth. He found it so hilarious, and now Ryan was trying not to laugh at Brendon's reaction. 

  Now Alex was a little annoyed at Ryan not knowing who he was, and it showed through as an edge in his voice. "Alex Greenwald, Ryan. From New York," he added, just in case there was any other confusion.

  Ryan grinned at Brendon when they detected the annoyance in Alex's voice. "Oh." Ryan said, sounding like that was a surprise, but not a pleasant one. "Uh, I guess I didn't expect to hear from you," he said in a monotone voice. He wasn't going to give Alex any indication that he was pleased to hear from him, because he so was not. "What can I do for you?"

  "Well," Alex said with the flirty tone restored to his voice, "I saw on the music news that you joined Urie's band!" Ryan looked at Brendon and rolled his eyes. Of course Alex wanted to worm his way back in now that Ryan was on the way to being famous — so typical.

  "Yes, I did. Did you not see the rest of the news?" Ryan asked flatly.

  "Which news was that?" Alex asked, undeterred.

  "Um, that I'm married to Brendon now?" Ryan was going to make crystal clear his unequivocal love for Brendon. 

  "Hmm," Alex said, "I think I saw something about that online. But please: you don't have to pretend with me. You just married him to get into the band."

  Ryan's jaw nearly hit the floor as he gaped at Brendon, and Brendon's eyebrows rose in surprise but he kept the amused look on his face. Man, they both knew Alex was a piece of shit already, but this was even beyond what they had already thought! 

  Ryan carefully controlled his voice so he didn't lose his shit. "Actually, no. Brendon and I worked our shit out before I even knew of a band. I apologized to him before there even was a band. The band thing happened after the fact. It just kind of happened as a coincidence."

  Alex either wasn't listening or didn't care. "Ok, Ry, whatever you say. But the reason I called is, I heard you're based in LA now, right?"

  Ryan arched an eyebrow at Brendon, who looked confused too. Where was this going?

  "Uh...yeah," Ryan said slowly. "Why?"

  That perked Alex right up. "Well! I'm coming out there with some friends on vacation, and I thought maybe we could hook up, like old times?" 

  Now Ryan and Brendon's jaws both dropped: what balls this guy had! It's not like Ryan had given him a friendly reception on the phone these last few minutes. But as usual, Alex was clueless to anyone else but himself. 

  After Ryan choked back his anger, he said calmly, "What on earth would make you think I would want that? Do you not remember that the last time I literally ran into you on the street in New York, I told you I hoped I'd never see you again?"

  Alex then had the nerve to say, "Well, yes, but I figured since you'd taken back up with Urie, you'd be hungry for some actual good sex."

  Now Ryan couldn't hold back his response: he broke out in hysterical laughter. Alex laughed along, because he thought he was in on the joke, but he so wasn't. Even if Ryan wasn't already madly in love with Brendon, nothing could even compare to the sex they had now. Ryan knew instinctively, though, that their lovemaking was so amazing because of their feelings for each other. 

  "Alex, you kill me. Why would I go out looking to drive a Ford Fiesta when I already have a Ferrari?" Ryan dragged him.

  Now Brendon couldn't hold back and burst out laughing hard too. Ryan heard Alex splutter on the other end of the phone, humiliated and pissed off.

  "What, has Urie been listening the entire time?" he bit.

  "Greenwald," Brendon mocked, "it's actually Urie-Ross now, and yes I have. And what do you care if I heard? It's not like it changes the facts, which are that you're a piece of shit who has no respect for anyone else or their relationships. Which is not news. But Ryan is not the man you used to know." Brendon had taken enough shit from Alex to last a lifetime, and he'd finally lost his patience with it.

  "That's right," Ryan confirmed. "When I took up with you, I had issues I hadn't yet recognized or resolved. But I finally did, and I found my real self again. And it's my fault I made the decision to cheat on Brendon with you in the first place, but the fact that you keep coming back despite me clearly telling you not to is your fault. But you know what? Thanks for calling, because you reminded me of something very important: I need to get my phone number changed. Now don't contact me ever again, or I'll have the record label lawyers file harassment charges against you, and take out a restraining order if need be. Clean up your fucking act!" And with that, Ryan ended the call.

  Brendon and Ryan stared at each other silently for a moment, then both burst out laughing. Brendon walked over and plopped down in Ryan's lap, hugging around his neck as their laughter settled.

  When he pulled back, looking at Ryan with a warm smile, he said, "I love you babe. That was  more fun than it should have been." He chuckled again.

  Ryan smiled back at him and kissed his forehead. "Just one thing," he said, suddenly serious. "Never doubt that I'm completely yours, now and always?" He didn't want that bullshit phone call to worry Brendon. 

  Brendon gave him his Special Ryan Smile, and cupped his cheek with his hand. "I don't Ry...you show me every day." 

  With that Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist, and held him tight. "And I will every day for the rest of our lives," he whispered in Brendon's ear.


	21. Epilogue

  Ryan was in the backyard, setting up chairs and making sure coolers of soda and water were well iced-down when he heard the doorbell ring. He poked his head in the back door and called, "Bren? Can you get the door?"

  "Yeah babe!" He heard from back in the hall to the bedrooms. Then he heard Brendon's footsteps rapidly headed for the front door. Ryan slid shut the screen door to the backyard but left the main door open so he could hear who was arriving. 

  "Hey guys!", he heard Brendon say, but didn't hear who'd arrived. So he finished his setup quickly, and headed into the house to see Jon and Cassie, Spencer and Linda, and Pete and his girlfriend Meagan. 

  "Hey!" Ryan said with a wide smile, to everyone's waves and scattered hellos. All their guests were beginning to arrive for their housewarming/wedding reception party. Panic's break had ended as they were moving in, and the band were in the process of writing the new album.  Brendon and Ryan decided this would be the perfect time to host this gathering as they didn't want to be under the deadlines that recording or touring brought; they didn't want to try to cram it in. They wanted to celebrate their marriage and their new home with the people they cared about most. 

  "Bren, Dallon and Mike wanted to be here, but Mike has band stuff and Dallon has family stuff. They said to tell you both hi and congratulations on the house," Spencer shared. 

  "Oh thanks, Spence. I'll email them this week. I totally get that they are busy," Brendon said. 

  "Guys, I love the house - this is perfect for you!" Linda enthused.

  "Thank you. I know we actually found it really quickly, but it felt like it took forever," Ryan explained. "We do love it though. And I love living in my own house after so much of my life has been spent in apartments in New York. I suppose my roommate probably has a little to do with it too." Ryan winked and kissed Brendon on the cheek. 

  "Well, knowing you two, I'm sure you've christened it nicely already," Pete smirked. It was kind of legend among their friends already how the two could not keep their hands off of one another. They were just so in love, and knew what it was like to live without each other, that they didn't take their time together for granted one bit. It also didn't hurt that they each thought the other was hot as hell.

  "Ugh, Pete...thank you for not saying that in front of my parents," Brendon chided. Ryan burst out laughing. "And by the way, once they get here, please keep that stuff on the down-low. It's my mama, for God's sake." Brendon pretended to glare at Pete.

  "Hey, now," Pete said with his hands lifted in surrender, "I can behave!" Meagan rolled her eyes. 

  "Ok, Pete, whatever you say," Ryan said, chuckling. "Spence, can you be designated babysitter today?"

  Spencer nodded. "On it." It was Jon's turn to burst out laughing.

  Just then, the doorbell rang again. Ryan went to answer the door this time. 

  "Ryan!" Grace exclaimed happily after he opened the door. Brendon's parents moved inside the house, and then Grace stepped forward and pulled Ryan into a tight hug. Being treated as family by Brendon's parents made Ryan feel warm and accepted, and he really loved them. He never really had a good family experience growing up, with his mother leaving when he was young and his history with his father. But now he had a family of his own: a loving husband, kind in-laws, and friends who were like siblings. He had no idea two years ago that life could be so good. 

  "I'm so glad to see you boys," Grace said as she released Ryan from the hug. Boyd stepped up, smiling at Ryan, and shook his hand. 

  "Believe me, we're really glad to see you too, and to have you in our home. Brendon has been so excited for your visit." Ryan returned their bright smiles. 

  "Mom! Dad! You made it!" Brendon came bounding over and engulfed his mother in a huge hug. Ryan grinned because it was easy to see who Brendon had taken after between his parents. He had always been close to his mother. 

  "Of course, honey. We wouldn't miss the chance to come see your home and celebrate your marriage!" She smiled at him and smoothed his shirt back into place. "I expect a tour later!"

  Brendon moved over and hugged his dad briefly. "Well we're so glad you're here. It's so nice having my whole family together." Brendon was beaming as he snuggled up to Ryan's side and slid his arm around his waist. Ryan wrapped his arm around Brendon's shoulders in return, hugging him to his side firmly. 

  "So how are you finding owning a house?" Boyd asked. "Is it what you expected?" 

  Brendon nodded. "Pretty much. We knew it was going to be more work than having apartments. And we'll have to have someone to come and mow the yard and things like that when we're off on tour. But Spencer's had his own house for a while, so he's great for tips on stuff like that."

  Ryan added, "And I love that we can make our own decisions on how we want things to be and don't need permission from someone to do them. We could paint the living room black if we wanted and it would be totally up to us!", he laughed.

  "Well, we're so happy for you," Grace said. "We remember what this stage of life is like, and it's an exciting time."

  Both the boys nodded, smiling at how sweet Brendon's mother always was. Then Ryan kissed the top of Brendon's head. "Babe? Why don't we get everyone out back? The food is all set up and ready, and I think everyone is here now."

  "Did someone say it's time for food?" Pete piped up. Brendon rolled his eyes to Ryan, while Ryan just laughed. 

—-

  The entire group of friends and family were sitting around visiting, some around or in the pool, some just sitting in the yard, chatting. Brendon called out for everyone's attention.

  "I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for coming to celebrate our marriage and our home with us. These past couple of months have been a new beginning for me and Ryan. We didn't exactly take a conventional road getting here, but we're so happy with our life together, and all of your love and support is a huge part of that. We love you all, so thank you!"

  Cheers went up and people held up their drinks in salute. Ryan moved to stand behind his husband and wrapped his arms around his waist, hooking his chin over his shoulder. "Having a good time, baby?" he asked quietly.

  Brendon turned gently in his arms and looked up at Ryan with wide, bright eyes, nodding and smiling Ryan's smile. "Of course, hon. I'm so happy." Ryan knew he meant more than the party. 

  Ryan returned his special smile. "Me too. I can't imagine life getting any better than this."

  Brendon grinned wider and kissed Ryan's cheek. "Well babe, the good news is we have the rest of our lives to find out."

  Ryan nodded, pecking his lips in return, and said, "And there's nothing else I could want more."

***fin***


End file.
